I had my much-awaited ultrasound on Monday.   Those three weeks were at least as slow as three weeks during the IVF cycle.  Seeing the heart beat gives me so much more comfort and confidence that things will be okay and that I’ll have a baby at the end of this.  I had been hoping that there might be twins in there, but there is just one.  It is hard to be disappointed with one strong, healthy hearbeat.  But it definitely makes it way less more likely that we will ever have three kids…  Mike is open to the idea of doing IVF again in the future, and we do have that one embryo frozen, but I am not sure if I want to do it again.  It is just so much.  I’ll probably change my mind when I hold the newest little baby and realize how much I want to do it a third time… Or maybe we’ll have two babies and a dog.  Or maybe I’ll find that two is as much as I can handle.  I don’t thrive on chaos and noise like some people do, so maybe two will be enough. 

Today is Max’s second birthday.  He is definitely reaching the “terrible twos” but is generally a joy.  He is incredibly verbal for his age.  Yesterday he told me his cold milk was “refreshin’”.  Too cute.  Happy birthday Max!!  We hope that by your third birthday you have a little brother or sister to celebrate with!

AND I feel huge already.  (And holy Lord, it hasn’t even quite been a week since I took the HPT.)  Either there are 8 babies trying to take up residence in there, or I have been eating too many bon bons and not running enough (at all).  Yikes.  I am worried about getting through another few weeks with my regular clothes fitting me.  I think I am going to have to make the transition to yoga pants sooner rather than later.  Hopefully I can find enough in my closet to get me through our trip to Colorado that will also hide my pudgy belly. 

I was working on the Mother’s Day photo books that I am making for all the grandmas this evening and thinking that hopefully when I make next year’s book there will be another little addition to include pictures of.  I can’ t wait.  Stay sticky little embryo.  We want to meet you so badly.

This round, Dr. R decided to try a different, new, protocol, which seems to have worked so much better for me.  Every step of the process was better.  At retrieval they got 23 eggs (the most previously was 14 in August 2008), and from 23 eggs 16 were mature and 10 developed into embryos (the most previously was 4 in August 2008).  At our day-5 transfer (we have always in the past had to do day-3 transfers) we still had 6 embryos that looked good so we transferred 3 and they cultured 3 for freezing.  Although only one of the remaining embryos was good enough to freeze, that is one more than we ever had in the past.  So we now also have one little embryo frozen somewhere in Chicago-land.

Mike was home the morning I took the test and I woke him up after I showered to tell him the news.  The first thing he said was “Can’t you get a false positive?  Let’s wait and make sure it is right.”  SO not a fun response to this amazing news.  I think after two tests he is feeling a little more like it might be real.  But he won’t breathe easily until we get a call from Dr. R’s office tomorrow, I am sure.  I am having a hard time not telling everyone I see – neighbors, friends…But I haven’t yet.  There are enough people that we’ll tell tomorrow since they all know that we just finished another round – I just have to wait a little to share the news.

With my body’s amazing response to this round, I am actually feeling a little nervous that there might be more than one embryo in there.  While at the beginning (and even two days ago) I would have said that twins would be the best possible outcome since I would love to have 3 kids, I am starting to re-think that and wonder if I am up for that.  Too late now either way, but I am feeling anxious about it.  Tomorrow’s test won’t tell us anything about that, so we’ll have to wait a little longer and see.  And the thought of possibly 3 is absolutely terrifying.  Especially after the last week where M has gone on nap-strike and the only way we are (sometimes) getting him down is to lay down with him on an air mattress on his floor and then slip out from under his head and sneak out of the room.  And no nap makes for a VERY cranky toddler, so there has been a lot of whining and some yelling here.  What would I do if there were three (or four) on nap-strike?  And where would we even put that many cribs and babies???  Scary.  Hopefully we don’t have to address that.  But we are absolutely over the moon thrilled (and a little nervous no matter how many are in there) that our family will hopefully be expanding around the end of the year.  There’s a long time to go before then, and a long time to go before we are even in the second trimester and feeling a little safer.  But, this is one giant step in the right direction.

But, what I really wanted to say is that the last time that I was at the funeral home, in August 2008, for another funeral for that side of the family, I was in the bathroom after the service giving myself shots for the IVF cycle that resulted in Max.  This time I was trying (and failing) to contain a toddler.  When they rang the gong at the beginning of the Buddhist service Max yelled three times “DING DONG!”.  That’s when we retreated to the back.  After he still couldn’t use his “quiet voice” we retreated to the basement where there was a fish tank, some books, crayons and stuffed animals.  Even though I was a little annoyed that I went all the way into the city to sit in the basement during the service, and that we were out past his bedtime, this time was WAY better.

We were talking about potential success rates for IVF with my eggs during the appointment and he said that given a first cycle failure, the success rates of a second cycle are around 20% and given a second failure the success rates are around 5%.  So, little Max was in that miraculous 5% – he definitely is the little embryo that could.  It is amazing though, because if he had been our doctor the first time around and not Dr. C, he may not have recommended a third cycle, and we wouldn’t have Max. 

But that was 2 1/2 years ago too – and though I am still relatively young in the world of fertility, my ovaries don’t show that.  So who knows, even with more than 3 tries of IVF with my eggs, we still wouldn’t have success…

We aren’t there yet, fortunately, but we certainly have more to think about now.  Too much to think about. 

Anyway, we are not there yet,

We have an appointment tomorrow to talk to our doctor about our next steps.  My assumption has been that we’ll do another cycle in April.  Finances and Mike’s work schedule pretty much dictate waiting until then.  We’ll (hopefully) have Mike’s bonus by then and he has a ton of travel scheduled for February and March.  So April it is.  I am not looking forward to it.  I asked Mike if he thought we would be better off using our money for adoption and skipping IVF from here on out.  We agreed at the time that we wanted to do IVF again, but I keep wondering what we should do.  On which path would I have the least regrets in the future?  I suspect that if we give up on IVF I would really regret it down the line.  It’s a few more weeks of stress and discomfort for the potential of another little Max.  I know I can handle it, I just don’t know if I want to.  It is so much money (though Mike tells me not to think about the money and that it doesn’t matter) to end up with nothing.  At least at the end of the adoption process we could be fairly confident that we will end up with a baby.  I know that adoption is a whole nother can of worms with its own heartache and frustrations and waiting game.  I know how much IVF sucks though too.  We don’t necessarily have to stop at two more rounds, which had been our original plan.  But I don’t know how many more times I can do this before giving up.  It is hard physically, and harder still emotionally and I do worry about what I am doing to my body – am I going to get cancer later in life from all these hormones I am injecting?  Seems like the more rounds we do the more damage I could do to my body. 

It has been way easier to accept the failure this time.  At least I have Max to cuddle and hug.  I want a bigger family and I think we will get there one way or another – it just may take us longer than I want it to.

It is painful, but not as painful as before.  At least I have Max who gave me hugs and kisses.  And fortunately for me we are getting a blizzard, apparently not rivaled since 1967, so Mike’s travels tonight and tomorrow were cancelled.  We are holed up at home, and I am glad that all three of us are here and not just me and the munchkin.

We ended up with just two embryos to transfer this cycle, which was disappointing.  We had 9 eggs, 5 were mature, and we did have 3 embryos, but one was too fragmented on the morning of transfer, so they decided to not use it.  According to them everything went perfectly, but even so there is only so much chance that it will work.  I’ve been fairly convinced that it can’t be as easy as one cycle to pregnancy this time after what it took last time.  Partly I believe it and partly I am trying to make myself believe it in order to make the blow less when we get the news that it didn’t work.  However, today I have been SUPER thirsty, which was my first pregnancy symptom with Max, and just today I have been allowing myself to think that maybe it did work.   Or maybe since I know I was super thirsty last time I am convincing myself that I am super thirsty today… I am not allowing myself to consult any due-date-calculators or think too hard about that, and I am trying not to allow myself to buy any pregnancy tests.  JUST WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY, DAMMIT!  Thinking that maybe it did work makes me want to find out sooner so I can enjoy the good news sooner, but if it is negative then 1) I won’t trust it since it isn’t the “official” test and I’ll just agonize over it even more between now and Tuesday and 2) I don’t think I can handle seeing ANOTHER negative HPT in my life. 

With our previous successful cycle they did two blood tests, one a week and a day after the transfer and the other a week and three days after the transfer.  Today we are a week and a day after the transfer, so it is possible that we could know now or tomorrow or definitely Monday if I had my test scheduled for one of those days.  Knowing that makes me even itchier to just know already.  I don’t know if it is a difference with this other doctor or why they do the test differently now (seems like just one test one week and four days after the transfer), but even just those added couple days are additional torture. 

Mike is going to be away next week for work Tuesday to Friday, so he’ll be gone no matter what when we find out the official word from our doctor.  At least he has been home most of the last 6 weeks while I’ve been doing the cycle, and he was home when he needed to be for the procedures.  I can’t ask for too much more than that when his job is what it is.  But it will be really hard if it is bad news to hold it together and keep on until he gets home next Friday…

My wonderful mother-in-law, who took Max overnight Monday night so we could stay in the city and have a fun night with my cousin and her husband and have a MUCH shorter drive to the office where they do the procedures, also picked him up for play-school this morning so I could lay on the couch and vegitate.  I just finished Elizabeth Edwards’ book Resilience and still have a few minutes to kill before Max gets home. 

I have some pain from retrieval, but it isn’t too bad.  Mostly I feel super bloated.  Partly from the drugs and my enormous ovaries and partly because I have been eating and eating and eating the last few weeks and haven’t been able to run since January 7 when I started the stimulation drugs.  They said not to run until at least after the pregnancy test, which is still at least 2 weeks away.  I gained a couple pounds over the holidays with all that rich food and less exercise and I have definitely gained a few more over the last couple weeks.  I vascillate between looking at my protruding stomach disgustedly in the mirror and telling myself that I need to be gentle and kind to myself and that I’ll work it out (off?) once we find out if this cycle worked.  No reason to keep beating myself up about it now since there isn’t much I can do about it, except eat a little better.  But the stress of this cycle makes me want junk – ice cream and chocolate and chips and fries and everything that I generally restrict myself from at least somewhat. 

Transfer is likely to be Friday, though they will hopefully tell me that today when they call too.  My dad and step-mom are going to come into town to help with Max so that I can mostly lay in bed and read and relax.  They don’t tell you that you should do bed rest at the office that I go to, but I did with the cycle when I got pregnant with Max, so in order to duplicate that cycle as much as possible I want to lay around as much as I can.  Mike will be home most of the weekend too, but it will be nice to have a little extra help and a little extra distraction.  I think they are even bringing dinner so I don’t have to worry about that either. 

My wonderful girlfriends are taking me to dinner next Monday and out for gelato.  We went out in between transfer and the pregnancy tests when I got pregnant with Max and had dinner and gelato – so they think that was the magic thing that I did… They said that we had to do it becuase they can’t be responsible for a failed cycle.  : )  They are wonderful for trying to take my mind off of all the stress and always asking how it is going and being super supportive and empathetic.  I am very lucky to have them in my life.  And a couple of new friends out here in Lombard have been incredibly supportive too, offering to take care of Max whenever I needed so that I could rest.  I haven’t taken then up on it yet, but I might – it is nice to know that you have a support network and people (besides my immediate family) that care.