The ultimate cliche – pickle cravings December 5, 2008

Even before I found out that I was pregnant with this round of IVF I have been wanting pickles.  I never was a big pickle-eater before.  But, I think I have gone through about 5 jars of pickles in the last three months.  I had to buy another jar today.  I was cooking some chicken for a client that had a lot of vinegar in it and when I came back into the kitchen, all I wanted was pickles.  I always kind of thought that craving pickles thing was a joke, but it is no joke for me.  I just had a “snack” of about 10 of those little dill gherkins, and am planning on having at least that many more with my tomato soup and toast with cream cheese lunch.  Hello, sodium overload.

A couple weeks ago one of my friends here in Chicago announced that she is pregnant for the second time.  Thank God I got pregnant.  If I was done with IVF and just waiting and waiting and waiting still, having started the adoption process I think I would be in another tail spin by now.  Especially after last week when I (and she) found out that it is twins.  Despite my own pregnancy, I found myself jealous of her good fortune.  And the fact that she isn’t seeing it as good fortune (she is stressed about the finances and having a wild two year old AND twins to take care of) just adds to my ill feelings about it.  Really, I am happy for her, and I hope that she starts to come to terms with it and also be happy about it.  And I REALLY, REALLY hope that this jealousy and resentment is not with me to stay now whenever someone announces a pregnancy.  I thought I was done with that until this announcement – but apparently it isn’t out of my system yet.  I just can’t relate in any way to thinking that twins are a bad thing – to me that would have been the ultimate good thing.  But, certainly circumstances are different for me than they are for her.  It is hard for me to see her side of this after the last two-years-plus of struggles that Mike and I have gone through.

I’ve definitely come out of the first-trimester-exhaustion.  I haven’t been napping every day anymore – just once a week or so.  My belly is growing and my boobs are HUGE.  I had to go buy a couple new bras the other day.  I started out as a C and am now a DD.  And I am sure this is not the end of the growth spurt. 

My mom was in town for Thanksgiving last week.  I decided I needed to have a talk with her about not totally disregarding my wishes.  So I instigated the talk when we were discussing the changing table that she bought for me one week after I told her not to buy anything.  I explained that there were a couple instances like that, and that it made me really upset, and that I wasn’t telling her that to upset her, but to hopefully avoid situations like that in the future and so she is more aware.  When it was her turn to talk, she winced and changed the subject.  This from a woman who tried to give me advice about communication in my marraige.  ARGH.  Between her not discussing things and my dad totally avoiding conflict by leaving the room, it is amazing those two stayed married as long as they did. 

One of the things that I hope I do differently with my kid(s) is communication – I want them to think of me as a warm, loving person, not someone who is awkward and communicates in really wierd ways.  I want “I love you” to be a normal thing to say in our house, and not something that is said awkwardly at the end of one out of every 20 phone calls.  I want them to feel like they can talk to me and it isn’t a struggle to just have a conversation.  I want to be close to my children – when they are kids and when they are adults.  All of these things that I don’t have with my parents.  And I hope that they will have siblings – even better siblings that they get along with.  Most of the time I feel like an only child – having a brother that I don’t respect or like is worse, I think, than being an only child, but I get the loneliness of the only child.  There are no siblings that I can confide in or that will eventually help with decisions about our parents.  I wish that I had siblings with whom I had a close relationship like a lot of my friends, but that ship has certainly sailed.  I hope I can provide it for my kids at least instead.

Second Trimester November 10, 2008

I am officially into the second trimester now!  The baby’s heartbeat is still a perfect 160 (which my friend predicts means I am having a girl), I am gaining weight (I am hungry ALL the time, and have a hard time avoiding the sugary snacks that I want to eat), and I am feeling a little less tired.  Though some days I still need to take a two hour nap. 

This morning I scheduled my “Level 1″ ultrasound for December 18 – about a week before when they ideally wanted to do it (at 20 weeks) but I’ll be in Michigan then and REALLY want to know boy or girl before I go home for Christmas.  So, we’ll go the Thursday before and find out.  Only 5 1/2 weeks until we know.  Like I said, two friends here in Chicago are predicting girl, but I had three dreams in one night that it is a boy.  So, we’ll see – I don’t care either way – I actually don’t have any preference at all.  There are pros and cons to each one.  But, I just can’t wait to know. 

Hopefully knowing the gender will also make our name discussions a little easier.  Right now it is a mess.  I suggest a name and Mike hates it, almost without exception.  We have a couple girls names that we’re so-so on and one boy’s name that we like, but no clear cut answers.  I love all the old-timey names that are a little more unusual – Albert, Oliver, Mabel, Beatrice, Lila – and Mike hates all of them.  He likes much more middle-of-the-road names, but I don’t want our child to have a super popular name. It’s going to be a tough negotiation process, I think.

The day I was waiting for November 3, 2008

Last Friday was the big day - reaching 12 weeks in this pregnancy.  At the beginning I didn’t quite understand that 12 weeks wasn’t the start of the second trimester – that happens at the end of this coming week.  I was so fixated on the 12 week mark – it seemed to be the magic date when I knew this was real and (probably) was not going to end.  However, I had been feeling more and more secure about it over the past few weeks, so last Friday was a little bit anticlimactic.  But, it is still GREAT to be in the middle of my 12th week, having graduated from the fertility office to the regular doctor and slowly letting the cat out of the bag to our friends and family.

On Saturday we went to dinner with Mike’s parents and told them the news.  As expected, my mother-in-law was thrilled, and my father-in-law (who was semi-incapacitated by a stroke several years ago) just laughed and I have no idea if he really understood. 

Monday, Monday.  I am (still) trying to fix my mistakes in my accounting software – I totally dread this task.  Hence, a blog post instead of getting started on it.  The last two times I have tried to deal with this I have cried.  Hopefully I can manage today without the tears.

I am only cooking one day this week, which makes for a nice little break and being able to get myself a little more organzied and get a couple bigger projects done or closer to done. 

And hopefully I’ll get to the gym today too.  The midwife I saw last Friday told me the magic number is to keep my heart rate under 140 when I am exercising.  That was do-able on the elliptical, so I am hoping to try out the treadmill today.  I was going to do that yesterday, but after grocery shopping I had to take a two hour nap again.  Saturday I didn’t nap (and didn’t feel like I needed a nap) for the first time in a LONG time.  I thought maybe I was going to be better here on out, but maybe it was just a fluke.

Graduation October 29, 2008

Yesterday was my last appointment at the fertility doctor’s office before graduating on to being just a “normal” pregnant lady.  I have an appointment with a midwife this Friday and with an OB next Wednesday and then will make my decision.  The more I read the more I lean towards the natural direction and the midwife direction.  Though my dad had a hearty belly laugh when I told him I was thinking about natural childbirth.  Ah, I am sure it’s not the first belly laugh at that.

I broke down today and ordered some maternity clothes on line.  One of my Chicago friends lent me some maternity clothes, but she is a little smaller than me in general – height and dress size both – so only a few of them really worked out.  I was going to wait a little while, but even my regular pants with the addition of the Bella Band are feeling a little tight in the ass… so I went ahead and placed an order.  I was going to wait until the second trimester, but that isn’t working out so well.  I need some clothes!

Procrastinating again today – better go make my grocery list for tomorrow and get the recipes together.  For some reason this is the step I have the biggest mental block against.  There are too many fun ways to procrastinate when I am sitting in front of the computer.

Almost 11 weeks October 23, 2008

Well, it seems that I did not do any harm to the little baby in there with my running the other day.  The heartbeat is normal, it has a nose, and was flailing its arms during the ultrasound, making it difficult (from what I understand) to get the measurements they were looking for.  I also asked the doctor, and she said that I could run, and just to let my body be my guide.  So, I think I’ll do that.

One more visit to the RE (next Tuesday) and then I will be released to the care of an OB or midwife!  I have an appointment set up with an OB at Northwestern and I am also going to set up an appointment with a midwife at the same place, and then after I have met with both of them, I will decide which direction I want to go. 

I got my first prenatal massage today, and it was wonderful.  Nice and relaxing… And the place that I had the massage also does yoga classes, childbirth classes, etc. and they gave me a list of doulas to call.  I think a doula is going to be a good investment for me.  I am sure Mike will be great with everything, but he does have a habit of questioning everything, which makes me defensive – so if there is someone else there to smooth things out and act as somewhat of an authority on the process I think that will be a happy thing for all involved. 

11 weeks tomorrow!

Running – part 2 October 22, 2008

Today I was home in time to watch one of my favorite daytime TV shows – okay, the only daytime TV show I watch usually – Ellen Degeneris.  I love me some Ellen, but apparently I love sleep more.  I fell asleep on the couch and woke up about 2 hours later.  A delicious nap that has enabled me to actually get some shit done this evening – work stuff that I have been putting off all week.  Now I won’t have to worry about it tomorrow on my “off” day.  Hooray.

On Monday after running, I seriously considered not telling Mike that I ran – even though I was excited about it.  I thought he might give me a hard time about it, and I was right!  I told him and I was happy and excited about it, and he said he wants me to take it easy.  Argh.  I think he has no idea how difficult it has been for me to “take it easy” over the last three months.  I am not that kind of girl.  And it isn’t like I am recklessly doing something to endanger the baby – I have done my homework on this.  Anyway, he wants me to talk to the doctor about it.  Fine.

And then last night I wasn’t feeling too great – crampiness and maybe nausea.  I felt fine when I laid down, but standing up making dinner was no fun.  I was so afraid that I did something to the baby when I was running, that now I want to talk to the doctor too before I do it again.  In retrospect, I think it was some sort of intestinal issue, but I was so nervous about it, I guess it is worth it to wait to get an official go-ahead from some sort of medical professional. 

Alright, back to next week’s menu planning…

Already! October 16, 2008

We had a great, and relaxing weeklong vacation in New England, driving all over God’s green earth to visit friends in New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont, and Boston.  We were there for a wedding (a fellow couple of the asian man/caucasian woman variety), which was beautiful and joyful and very stylish.  I napped every day, ate lots of great food (lobster! pad thai! bananas foster!), and didn’t do much else.  Since we had been to all of these places before, we didn’t feel any burning need to do touristy things, so we just walked around (with and without dogs) and generally enjoyed the week.

On the plane on the way home I had to sit with my pants unbuttoned because they were so freaking tight.  I thought maybe I should have taken it a little easier on the desserts over vacation until the next day when I noticed that my belly is really baby-bump shaped already.  Holy crap!  I was only 9 1/2 weeks at the time, 10 weeks tomorrow and I am DEFINITELY showing already.  A friend asked me if I am pregnant on Tuesday night - it is noticeable already!  I kind of love it.  It makes it all feel more real.  But, at the same time, if I am alreday showing, what does that mean for my girth at the end of this!?!?  Also we weren’t planning on telling the rest of the world for another two weeks or so, but I am not sure I can hide this… So we might have to swear more people to secrecy.

Feeling a little stressed due to the state of the apartment (clutter and dishes and general messiness) and my inbox (82 unread messages in an inbox that I like to keep empty) and the length of my to-do list.  Fortunately there is not too much planned for this weekend, so hopefully I Will get a lot of it done then.  And next week I am cooking only 3 days, though I have many appointments on Thursday…

My last ultrasound this past Monday showed a heartbeat of 167 bpm, and a tiny human-shaped being where there was just a blob before.  You can make out feet and arms and ears even in the ultrasound picture that they gave me.  Incredible.  Looks like I’ll transition to an OB on October 27 – a group practice, which I am not sure how I feel about, but it is at the right hospital and I can consult with my GYN who I love if need be, because she is in the same practice.  So, hopefully it will work out.  The worst that can happen is that I change…

Alright, better go put away my cooking stuff from today and clean up the kitchen a little before it is time to make dinner.

Heartbeat (again) September 24, 2008

The days I have had ultrasounds so far have been the best days of this pregnancy.  I am reasurred for a couple days and then start getting nervous again.  Today was the best ultrasound yet.  I could actually SEE the 125 bpm heartbeat as a little flicker on the ultrasound screen.  It was so exciting and I didn’t really expect to be able to see it, so it was a great surprise.  I am almost 7 weeks now.  You can see the little embryo in the ultrasound picture that they gave me.  It has a shape even.  Before it was just a little speck, but each time it gets bigger and more identifiable.

As my doctor was making notes she was talking to herself: “lets see…6 weeks..125 bpm…we have viability…”  VIABILITY?  Oh my good god!  Obviously anything could still happen, but it is a viable pregnancy.  It’s in the right place, it is the right size, and the heartbeat is perfect. 

I felt pretty wiped out yesterday.  Also feeling pretty tired today and all I want to eat is junk.  I might go to the little diner place in back of our house and get myself a burrito for dinner.  I promise to drink a V8 too.  Since Mike is away tonight and tomorrow, I have a really hard time motivating myself to cook when it is just me, and eggs (my go-to Mike’s-away-dinner) don’t sound good…

Tired September 23, 2008

I am SO sleepy today.  I don’t think this is pregnancy-exhaustion.  I think it is I-only-got-6-plus-hours-of-sleep-last-night.  My eyes are dry and I really want to take a nap.  Too bad I have food in the oven that needs to be delivered early afternoon.  Last week I started going to a “sunrise” (aka 6 am) yoga class.  I really like it and want to stick with it, but that is going to mean going to bed a little earlier, I think.

The last few days I have been feeling very anxious about the pregnancy.  I am worried.  I have been on the losing side of the statistics with every other fertility race.  Why would I be on the winning side now?  20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I really really hope with every fiber of my being that this time I am allowed by the universe to be in the lucky 80%.  Next ultrasound is tomorrow.  Hopefully that will put my mind at ease for another few days.

Coming and Going September 22, 2008

All of my symptoms (except for the painful breasts) come and go on a daily basis.  Some days (Friday) I am very nauseous, some days (Saturday) I am totally fine, some days (Sunday) I am completely exhausted.  Right now I am feeling a little sick to my stomach, but I don’t know if it is because I took my prenatal vitamin with only a smoothie in my belly or if this is really morning sickness.  I am eating a bowl of cereal, so we’ll see if that settles the stomach…

Lots of work to do today, but I am not cooking for anyone.  Have to get myself prepared for the next couple of weeks and take the car in for an emissions test, etc. etc.  And book club tonight.

Last week I finally sucked up my bad attitude about Mike’s friend’s wife who is pregnant and sent them a congratulatory e-mail.  I regret it.  This is the message I got back:

Thanks so much for the well wishes…we are very excited.  You never expect it to take so long or so much effort, but I guess it just makes you more grateful and happy then you thought possible.  We are just so glad it finally happened!  Due date is Feb 25th, and it can’t get here soon enough!!

“So long” is a year less than us.  “So much effort” is one month of fertility drugs (maybe Clomid?  I don’t know).  Anyway, when I got this message I wanted to reach through the computer and strangle this woman, who I thought knew our story – at least her husband does.  I think I am going to have to continue to avoid her.