Wow, I had a lot to say November 13, 2007

There are a bunch of somewhat-related topics that I want to write about today.  It feels like a lot has happened since I wrote before, besides going to a conference for three days last week where it was very clear to me that I am working in the wrong industry when grown, 50-year-old women were doing the hokey-pokey and also doing a sing-along to “Four hugs is the minimum number, not the maximum”.  There were two conferences going on at the same time at the McCormick Center – one for Early Childhood Educators and one for Architects.  You could pick out the attendees one from the other from a mile away based on what they look like.  Not to promote stereotypes or anything.  Anyway, on to what I really wanted to write about…

Topic #1: I don’t have to have surgery! 

I am SO releived, even though I had been thinking this might be the case – and had pretty much been counting on it.  If it had gone the other way, I probably would have gone through another few days of crying and not sleeping about having to have the surgery.  But, on Friday I got a call from my Ob/Gyn saying that she had two other doctors look at the ultrasound images and they didn’t see any signifcant fluid in my fallopian tubes.  There was a small amount of what appeared to be “free fluid” on one side of my pelvis – but nothing that would require surgery.  I don’t know what happened to clear all that up, and neither do they.  But, I am so happy that I am able to make some plans for the holidays that don’t involve me trying to get home for Christmas despite having had surgery recently and possibly being in a lot of pain trying to travel there in the car.  It also makes it easier to plan for what I am going to do in terms of my business once I finish school.  This also means that there is a slight possiblity that I might someday be able to get pregnant on my own – at least I will have all the necessary parts.  I will find out in the next little while if both tubes are now sealed shut, which is the assumption.  Five years ago only one appeared to be, but two massive abdominal infections can change that pretty fast.

Topic #2: Day 3 Labs

Becuase of the timing of my menstrual cycle, we have already started our first IVF cycle.  By “started” I mean having blood drawn and making appointments for more tests and “consultations”.  With our insurance situation, we can do all the testing and even start oral/injectable medications, but we can’t do the actual retreival and transfer until after the new year.  The timing seems to be working out pretty well for us, though – found out I don’t have to have surgery last Friday, got my period Sunday, had first blood drawn today (Tuesday), ART consult Friday…it is moving very quickly.  We will have to talk to them on Friday about the timing of the actual IVF part of the cycle.  Between the insurance change and Mike’s travel for work, there are some dates that we’ll have to avoid.  I have NO idea what to expect from this – what my reaction to the meds will be, or how this is even all going to work (of course, I have a general idea).  I don’t know if I am going to tell anyone that we are starting this.  So far I have told my dad and a friend that not having surgery means that we can now go ahead and figure out our plan for IVF.  I haven’t told anyone that we are moving right into it.  I don’t think that I will want to answer continuous questions about how it’s going or what the result is, so I might keep it between me and the internet.  God, I hope this works.

Topic #3: Money for IVF, even though insurance covers it

When I went to the office this morning for my Day 3 labs, they told me that three of the tests that they want to do get sent to a special lab (that the doctor co-owns) that does not bill insurance companies.  So, we are on the hook for that amount and can coordinate with our insurance, who may or may not cover it.  One test which is actually the “Day 3 Lab” test was $88.  The other two were $217 and $585!  I had no idea that when I went there today they were going to expect me to put almost $1,000 on my credit card, when you factor in my co-pay and a “handling fee” for the lab.   I did the $88 one, but told them I wanted to talk to M. before going forward with the other two.  I am also going to call the insurance company tomorrow to get an idea of whether they will be covered.  If so, that’s fine.  But, if not, we are going to try to get some more information about why I need these tests. 

Besides the fees that I am paying to the doctor, I also had a private Yoga Therapy session last weekend, to the tune of $100.  I think it was worth it – I have a yoga series to do on my own now, which I will do as much as possible.  I also just think that this woman is really compassionate and intuitive and knows what she is talking about with yoga for fertility.  It was part yoga class, part therapy session.  She suggested that I also pursue acupuncture as part of this IVF cycle.  I called the acupuncture practitioner that she suggested, who told me (via voicemail) that most of the people she treats come once a week and then right before and right after embryo transfer.  Holy shit, that will be a lot of money!  I have to imagine that it will cost $80 – $100 per session.  That could be $2000 depending on the length of this cycle!  I don’t think that is in the plans if I want to quit my job and be a Personal Chef.  We’ll have to think about that.  But, it is gut wrenching, because she also sent me a study (which seems reputable) that suggests that acupuncture can improve your chances of IVF working by 40 – 60%.  Maybe I will just have to target my treatment a bit and still have acupuncture, just not as frequently as once a week.  Plus I am going to want to continue to meet with the Yoga Therapist. 

Topic #4:  My mom came to visit this weekend with her boyfriend

Ah, the only non-infertility topic of the day so far.  (Besides sitting here trying to write grant applications…) My mom has been seeing a widower for a couple of months now.  They knew each other (and the wife who passed away) in high school and have reconnected.  This is the first boyfriend (though that term seems wierd when my mom is approaching 63 and he’s at least a little older…) that my mom has had, that I have been aware of, in about 20 years.  It was really cute – they held hands and sat and read the paper together, laughing at the same stories and reading parts to each other.  I am really happy for my mom – she seems really happy.  It will be interesting to see what happens with this relationship.  If it continues long-term, it is possible that I may have three step-siblings to add to the mix and a step-dad, which is not something I ever expected.  They seem to be really well suited to each other though – they communicate in the same way (read: excrutiatingly slowly sometimes), seem to find the same things funny, and generally enjoy each others’ company.   It also takes some of the pressure off of me to worry about my mom, and try to make sure I am there for every holiday (even though there is also my dad and step-mom and my husband’s family in the picture too), and just to talk to her all the time when she visits.  She’s not the chattiest person in the world, and it can be like pulling teeth to hold a normal conversation with her.  Sometimes it tests my patience in a big way. 

Only 3.5 weeks of school remaining and counting.  Tonight we are making pie in Baking and Pastry and filling our eclairs.  Last night we made pastry cream and eclair shells.  Dipping warm pastry cream straight out of the pot with a broken eclair shell might have been one of the most decadent and heavenly things I have ever tasted.  I hope I get some more tonight.  Then tomorrow I can write Topic #5: Why I weigh 5 pounds more than I did 6 weeks ago.

Close Call November 2, 2007

I came very, very close to having a total meltdown last night in class.  I felt like throwing my empanada dough across the kitchen, and just barely restrained myself.  I did start swearing loudly and felt heaving sobs starting and my eyes welling with tears of frustration and anger.  I am pretty sure I freaked my kitchen partner out a bit, though she was very calm on the surface.  I managed to calm myself before any tears streaked their way down my face or I really started screaming.

First of all, I am not happy with this class or the chef teaching it.  We are not following the syllabus at all, the teacher just flies by the seat of his pants and has very little plan of what we are going to do, other than giving us five recipes and telling us to cook them.  I could do that at home.  So, last night he gave us 5 Latin American recipes, two of which involved making dough and something to go inside them.  The were LONG recipes that took a long time to make.  This would be fine if he had any concept of how long these recipes would take us to do.  I think he only has a concept of how long it would take him to make them.  So, not even halfway through the class he nixed one of our recipes, which was fine.  But, then even with the remaining four recipes we were rushing, rushing (or at least I was – a lot of the people in this class are programmed with “slow” and “molasses” modes) and it was obvious to me that we were either going to run over our 11:00 pm ending time or no one was going to finish all the dishes.  In fact, both of those things happened.

At about 10:15 this was becoming very clear to me since it takes at least a half hour to clean that kitchen up and no one was near done.  I asked the chef, because M. had to come pick me up, if I should have him come later.  He was sure we would finish by 11:00.  At this point I was still trying to roll out my empanada dough with a vodka bottle because there was one rolling pin for 10 people in that kitchen.  Then I was filling them and hurriedly sealing them and stuffing them in the oven, the ugly shit that they were since I was trying so hard to get it done quickly.  So then I look over at our table after the empanadas were in the oven and I see two of the ingredients that I was supposed to put inside – chopped green olives and chopped hard boiled eggs – still sitting undisturbed on my cutting board.  That’s when the meltdown started. 

I swore first and then told my partner that the empanadas were “fucking ugly as shit” (what do I care, my parents aren’t going to read this blog…) and that I left the two ingredients out.  This is when I almost threw the dough across the kitchen.  Instead my partner tried nicely to calm me down a little and told me that they would still taste good.  I had to keep cleaning and pretend not to be crying to get a hold on myself.  I narrowly avoided the heaving sobs but managed to pull myself together enough to (along with my partner) get the rest of the dishes, minus any garnish, out for tasting.  I was somewhat gratified when the chef said that my empanadas were “almost perfect” even though they were missing two ingredients and they were not pretty when I put them in the oven. 

Thank God we have just four more meetings of this class.  Even that seems like too much, but maybe I can hold the bile down long enough not to get kicked out of school just before graduating. 

I think part of this is really being burnt out on this program, three nights a week from 6 – 11 will do that to you, especially when the classes consistently run over until 11:30 and you have to be at work at 8 am the following morning.  But, part of it is also just me being generally stressed trying to do too much and worrying about my health and what is going to happen with the upcoming potential surgery and definite fertility treatments.  And also not knowing what I am going to do with my life when/if I really do quit my job in mid-December.  Am I really going to start my own business?  It’s exciting but scary, especially since it is difficult to make any concrete plans when you are dealing with fertility treatments.

This coming Monday I go back to my Ob/Gyn so that they can do another ultrasound to see if they still see the hydrosalpinx that they thought were going to necessitate the removal of my fallopian tubes.  If they do, I will be having surgery on December 11.  If they don’t, we will probably proceed with IVF sometime in the December/January/February time frame. 

We are in the process of changing health insurance plans to one that does cover IVF.  We are so fortunate that this very expensive treatment is covered by our (future) insurance.  Even our current insurance covers the fertility drugs – oral and injectable, which is great because if the timing works out, we could start that part of it before our new insurance kicks in January 1, 2008.  The new insurance will cover three IVF attempts in full.  But, three strikes and you are out – forever.  I feel very, very lucky that we have this insurance when a lot of people have to pay for this out of pocket.  But, I am still afraid of what will happen – what if I don’t get pregnant in those three tries?  It happens.  At the end of the day, though, if I don’t get pregnant, at least we haven’t spent $50,000 on those three attempts and we can figure out what our next step is without worrying about that first expense.  Any additional treatments or adoption will still be extraordinarily expensive and really stressful and potentially emotionally devastating, but at least we would be starting from $0, or close to it, rather than -$50,000…

If I am this stressed, emotional and angry without fertility drugs, I am scared to see what I am like with them. 

Grateful September 28, 2007

Things that I am grateful for today:

1.  I get to sleep in tomorrow!

2.  I am not in pain/sick.

3.  I get to babysit for my 14-month-old “boyfriend” tomorrow.

4.  I am going to eat lots of yummy things this weekend – Chana Masala tonight, tailgate fare (encased meats and all the trimmings) tomorrow, and organic honeycrisp apples all weekend.

5.  I was able to go running this week, and will go to yoga or running again this weekend.

6.  I am leaving work now because it is the weekend!!

Pressure September 26, 2007

Just recently I threw away an old journal that I thought might be embarrasing if I were to die and someone found it and read it.  (The reason I thought that might be a concern in the immediate future is another story entirely.)  Not because of anything bad that I did, or because of embarrasing stories it contained, but because it was just kind of dumb.  And I complained a lot in it.   A couple months earlier I had also purchased new letter boxes to store all my old letters and memorabilia in – pre-internet I was a prolific letter writer.  I threw away lots of letters too that I thought I didn’t want anyone else to see.  Same reasons – too much complaining about stupid stuff.  I have also been contemplating throwing out the journal I kept when I was on my study abroad program in Ecuador.  I am sure there are some things in there that I would love to read again – details that I don’t remember anymore from my trip – but I am also certain that I complained a lot about my crazy host mother and cultural things that I had no appreciation for at the time.  And let’s face it, maybe I wouldn’t now.  Though I would hope that I would be a little more understanding of cultural differences and be able to laugh things off a little more. 

So now I am pressuring myself to not sound dumb or whiny in my brand new blog.  I want to be optimisitc!  I want to be smart!  I want to be funny!  I want to be happy!  I (think) I am all of those things usually, but sometimes I let stupid drama get me down. 

There’s been a bit of drama in my life recently.  First, I will say I am a 30-year-old red-headed midwesterner who lived on the East Coast for 6 years and moved to Chicago two years ago.  I am married to a great guy, M, who I dated for 5 years before we got married.  He’s Japanese-American.  I work full time in a job that I dislike pretty actively, and I am also in culinary school, planning on graduating in 11 short weeks at which point I will hopefully quit my day job and become a Personal Chef.   Overall I have a very good life – a wonderful husband, a nice place to live in the greatest city in the country,  a group of amazing friends nearby (and far away), no debt and a comfortable income, and the ability to pursue a dream of starting my own business and getting out of this 9-to-5 cubicle living. 

On to the drama: In 2001 I had my gallbladder removed and contracted a post-surgical infection, but recovered without too much trouble.  La dee dah.  Six years went by with no major health issues and then I got another abdominal infection in March 2007.  Antibiotics, no problem.  It was gone in a few days.  La dee dah.  August 2007 arrives and I get another abdominal infection.  This time the pain was so bad I couldn’t walk when I got to the ER and I spent 5 days in the hospital while the infection resisted the IV antibiotics.  I missed some school, I missed a lot of work, and at the end of September I am still not feeling like my old self physically.  I am well enough to continue with school and be at work and maybe even go for a run tonight for the first time in 7 weeks.  So, anyway, the other result of my infections is that I am now infertile.  Fallopian tubes sealed shut with scar tissue and also somehow filled with fluid, ovaries riddles with abcesses and cysts, and no way for Mrs. Egg to meet her partner.  We’ve been trying to get pregnant for a year now, and my doctor has told us to proceed with IVF because of this last illness and the test results that have come back.  With my hospital stay and the weekly tests and appointments since then, sometimes with good news (no infection remaining!) and sometimes with bad news (we may have to consider using donor eggs!), I’ve had a lot of depressed days.  I feel a lot better and more emotionally stable now.  I do not cry every single day like I did for the first three or four weeks. 

I have some great friends who I have been able to talk to about all of this, and of course my husband is also well apprised of both the details of my health and mental status.  But, my intention with this blog is to have somewhere to talk about the coming months/years (please, God, no) of treatments and procedures and other drama, which I hope will lead to the adventure of having a family – maybe even a little red-headed Japanese kid or two (I guess it would be greedy to say ‘or three’, but that’s what I really hope for).