Asshole February 10, 2009

Ever since Christmas we have been referring to the baby as “Ace”.  It came from a discussion with some of my cousins, one of whom suggested, jokingly, the name Horace, or Ace for short.  But, I actually really like the name Ace.  I don’t think we’ll really use it, but that has been his nickname for the last 6 weeks or so.  So, it was a big surprise to me when yesterday that same cousin wrote on my Facebook wall “Philip got a dog and named him Ace?  I might have to defriend him!”.  Well, I have already defriended my brother after avoiding him and then giving in.  He kept joining all these gun groups (including “I own a Lugerl, so don’t fuck with me” – I swear that is the real name of the group) and sending ridiculous, juvenile (he’s fucking 30 years old!), stupid posts.  I just couldn’t take it – I have never been adept at ignoring him.  So, I still don’t know if this is true.  I sent a message to my mom to ask and to Philip himself to find out, but neither has responded.  I wonder if it is the hormones that have me all worked up about this, but I am PISSED.  Why would he use the name we have been using for our SON and call his DOG that!?  Maybe because he wasn’t creative enough to come up with his own name.  I admit, it is kind of a good dog name, but don’t we already kind of have a claim on this? 

That was what was bothering me last night, keeping me up past midnight stewing about it.  Then this morning I have been stewing about it some more, and I have come to the conclusion (not for the first time) that I really hate my brother.  Yikes.  It sounds harsh.  But it is true.  If I were to say that to Mike or my parents or anyone, I think they would make me feel like I am the bad person for hating him.  But, how is it that I am the bad person when HE is the one that aimed a loaded gun at me and chased me to my room when I was 14 and he was 12?  (The reason I went to boarding school in the first place – to get away from him.)  I don’t recall him being punished, he has never apologized, and I don’t think he is sorry. He was the one that stole the keys to my car when  was 18 and made a copy so that he could drive my car whenever he wanted and I wasn’t around (and laughed and laughed about it last Christmas).  I am not the one who was BRAGGING this Christmas to the cute girl behind the bar about when he was in jail – recently!  Not sure if my mom is aware of that one – I certainly wasn’t.  I wasn’t the one who hid a bong in my sister’s room when I was in high school, or hid a disgusting, racist cartoon that I drew. 

He is the one who is a disgusting human being and has no concern for any one else – he has terrible social skills, table manners, and every other kind of manners.  And I am the one who is a bad person for hating him?  What an asshole.

Almost 10 years ago July 16, 2008

Wow.  A whole 17 people have read my blog today.  : )  I don’t know who most of you are, but I appreciate you sticking with me through my journey.

I’ve been going through some of my old books so that I can sell them on half.com.  I have decided that I am hanging onto a lot of stuff that I really don’t need to.  So, books were the first thing to get weeded out because it was easy (actually, some clothes went first, but that is a twice-yearly ritual for me.  I hardly ever get rid of books.  Anyway, I posted the books on Monday and have already sold 14 of them (out of about 75 or so).  So, I am doing well, even if it isn’t going to pay for a round of IVF or anything.

But, I did find a receipt in one of the books from December 14, 1998 from Busch’s Valu Land.  I could not get myself back to that grocery store without looking it up online, but I remember it was my favorite one in Ann Arbor.  It had good produce and was well laid-out with wide aisles.  Even back then I was kind of a grocery-store snob – willing to travel a little further for a better grocery shopping experience.

I wonder what I was doing still in Ann Arbor on December 14.  It seems like exams were usually over before then.  It is maybe not a typical college student grocery receipt: cottage cheese, yogurt, broccoli-cheddar soup cup, broccoli-pasta cup, corn chowder soup cup, tostitos with lime (were my favorite!), honeydew chunks, bananas, dried cherries, oranges, and fresca.  It’s just funny to look back at this specific moment in time (9:18 pm on December 14, 1998) and wonder what was going through my mind.  Worried about exams, had just found out that May died, about to graduate in May 1999, living on Fifth Avenue with two girls I am still good friends with and one that I haven’t spoken to since we moved out, anxious to get out into the “real world”.  I am throwing away the recipt, but it was kind of fun to find it and think back.  Who knew that less than ten years later I’d be a chef!

I didn’t cook today, so I had a chance to go to Target, get an oil change, go on a bike ride and stop at the farmer’s market, and get myself ready for the rest of this week’s cook dates and next week’s too. 

I think Mike and I are going to go out to dinner tonight (it is WAY TOO HOT to cook here – 92 degrees and no air conditioning in the kitchen), and maybe meet a friend out for drinks afterwards.  I think I need to get a few things cleaned up around here first.  Then maybe I’ll have time to rip out the knitting I did last night and start again.  I bought some really pretty green yarn to make a sweater for myself, and started out making the size medium.  But, based on the size of the back of the sweater so far (one skien in) I think that is going to be too big, so I am going to start over with size small.

Shows I Really Should Hate June 26, 2008

I get totally sucked into reality TV.  Not shows like Survivor and Big Brother and some of the other popular ones (was Big Brother popular?), but the ones on Oxygen, Bravo, and VH1.  The last couple days I have been totally sucked into two new-to-me-shows – Tori and Dean Home Sweet Hollywood and Jon and Kate Plus 8.  There are a lot of reasons that I should hate these shows -

 

Tori and Dean – She got pregnant so fast with her first baby, and then RIGHT AWAY got pregnant again.  It does kind of rub it in how easy it is for some/most people and JUST HOW infertile I really am… Also, she is the little spoiled rich girl from Hollywood that everyone loves to hate.  When we watched 9-0 (our affectionate name for it) in college, we would always make fun of her looks.  BUT, now I find that I kind of like her because of this show.  She is nice, and doesn’t act super-spoiled and is really sweet with her little boy.  She so clearly wants to be a good mom to both Liam and the baby on the way and is making such an effort to be different from her own mother, with whom she has a difficult relationship.  I can kind of relate to that – in a less extreme way.  It’s part of why I want to have kids too – so I can have a better relationship with them than I had with my family growing up, and to some degree even now.

 

Jon and Kate Plus Eight – Again, this rubs in exactly how infertile I am.  They used fertility treatments too, but theirs were successful, and then some.  Even though Kate can be a total bitch sometimes (I would for sure be divorced by now if I spoke to my husband the way she speaks to hers), and she needs to let go of the OCD a little bit (with everything she has to do, she still feels she MUST mop the kitchen floor three times a day?? no wonder she is always so pressed for time!), the kids are SO cute, and it is interesting to see how they manage their life – and try to actually go out and do things with the kids.  I think they really try to make each of the 8 kids feel special, which is great to see. 

I guess it’s just voyeurism to some degree – don’t we all want to see how other people live so we can compare our lives with theirs?  I think that’s the attraction with all these shows for me.  Even The Girls Next Door, which I never would have thought I would like – but I get totally sucked in every time.  Thank God Mike isn’t around to make fun of me. 

Headache June 24, 2008

I was thinking of going for  a run this afternoon after cooking, but I have a huge headache.  I wonder if it is sugar withdrawl.  Can you go through the same sort of symptoms as for caffeine for sugar withdrawl? 

Yesterday I taught a frosting/meringue/whipped cream class for my friends – so tons of sugar was consumed.  I avoided bringing any home with me though.  But I think I have been consuming a lot of sugar over the course of a day recently.  This morning I did start the Quantum Wellness cleanse.  I am just doing it for 7 days though – not the full 21 that you can do it for.  I don’t think this is contributing to my tiredness/headache.  I was super-tired this morning for some reason, even after eating a typical breakfast – oatmeal and fruit.  This part of the cleanse isn’t too different from normal for me.  I wonder, though, if the headache is related. 

Day 1 meals have been/will be:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with soy milk and fruit, Tea

Snack: Small V8

Lunch: 1/2 avocado with salt and pepper, 1 sliced tomato with salt and pepper, 1/2 large sweet potato, oven roasted

Snack: 1 banana with peanut butter

Dinner: (will be) vegetable and tofu red curry and brown rice

This probably isn’t interesting to anyone but me, and the cleanse has removed a lot of sugar and other things from my regular diet.  But, it isn’t THAT hard to go vegan/gluten-free/sugar-free.  It would be WAY harder if Mike was home or I had plans to eat out…

So, maybe I am using this headache/tiredness as an excuse not to run – but I do have a ton of stuff to get done around the house still.  Sunday when we got back from the weekend away I just didn’t feel like doing anything, so I sitll have to unpack.  At least all the dishes are clean now.

I am STILL having this eyelid muscle spasm too – I am not sure how long it has been now, but at least 6 weeks.  If I wasn’t at the doctor (albeit a different doctor) all the freakin’ time, maybe I’d go get it checked out. 

This is Day 3 of Mike’s conference.  The first night I was surprisingly a little down about him being gone.  I thought I was used to him traveling, but maybe it is different now since he is gone so long this time.  I am getting lots of quality alone-time.  There are plenty of people that I could call if I wanted to make plans, but for now I am kind of enjoying just being home and being able to get some stuff done and get this apartment cleaned up before my dad and my step-mom arrive for a visit next week.

Speaking of getting stuff done, better get to my accounting, which I have been putting off since last week.

 

My temperature May 28, 2008

I’ve been feeling a little funny in the lower-abdominal area all day.  Like my abdomen was a little swollen or something.  I didn’t think too much of it until I was at a meeting this evening and was really warm – totally unlike me.  And I am so tired too.  So, I started putting all this together and figuring I am getting another infection.  There is no sick-time from an employer now.  I would have to cancel and disappoint clients if I had to spend a week in the hospital and then two more weeks recouperating like last August.  It might even be worse than last time because I actually care about what I am doing now.  I was trying to read my body’s signs and figure out if I was going to have to make an emergency call to the doctor tomorrow, or, god forbid, head to the emergency room tonight.  Then I remembered that my temperature might tell me something about what is going on in there.  97.0.  Ah, perfectly normal.  Probably nothing to worry about.  But, wouldn’t that be the worst-case scenario?  (Well, I guess there could be worse, but that would be really bad.)  Maybe it was just warm in the room and I haven’t gotten enough sleep, and who knows what explains the abdominal issue…

Anyway, we have gone right back into our holding pattern before heading into IVF #3.  This is the last one that insurance will pay for, so we are hoping for better luck this time.  However, they aren’t really doing anything differently, so I am not really holding out a ton of hope that we’ll have a different result.  The doctor thinks that it is possible that I have an egg quality issue – possibly all the infections have damaged my eggs/ovaries – so they are going to do pre-implantation genetic testing to see if that is the case and if that will explain why the first two didn’t work.  Although insurance will pay for the meds and the IVF itself, we will be out of pocket for these tests to the tune of about $5k.  That will take a nice chunk out of the money we have set aside in case we do have to do IVF on our own… But at least if it shows that I have a genetic issue then we would know that our next step is to move on to donor eggs, or adoption.  At this point I lean towards donor eggs, but there is a lot to consider, not the least of which is that we have always joked about having red-headed japanese kids – and donor eggs could majorly disrupt that little fantasy.  I guess that is just a symptom of the real issue – of not being genetically related… but as usual this is about a thousand steps further than I need to be here at the end of May.

We’ll do IVF #3 in August – meaning starting the Lupron shots at the end of July.  Totally opposite from last time, that seems a little too quick.  Last time I couldn’t wait to try again – I needed something active to look forward to.  This time I just want off the roller coaster for a little while.  So we decided to wait one extra month (the soonest I would be able to cycle is July) to give me a little breathing room and also so that I don’t have the stress of whether or not I am going to get my period in time to do the next cycle.  Who knows – I could still have that if my body decides to be particularly uncooperative…

I thought for a little while that maybe we would wait until September or October, but our trip to New England, which I am looking forward to so much that I don’t want to change it to accommodate my preferred month for IVF, would conflict with either month for a cycle.  For the September cycle I would be in New England during the time I would have to have my beta tests – which we could work around, but I am not interested in being a total emotional disaster while I am supposed to be enjoying my vacation and my friend’s wedding.  And for the October cycle, we would be in Boston during the time when I would have to be having some monitoring visits.

August isn’t ideal either – that means that I won’t be able to have a glass of wine at the Outstanding in the Field dinner that we are going to for our anniversary, and which I have been looking forward to for months.  I’ll have to take all my drugs with me to a camping trip in Wisconsin – that should be interesting… and just generally – it’s summer in Chicago!  I should be enjoying the best months (the only months) to live in Chicago and not worrying about the shots and the bullshit that goes along with this.  But waiting until November seems a little far away, and also the doctor did not recommend it.  She said that I am still young, but it isn’t going to get any better, and I might as well get on with the next cycle sooner rather than later.  So, August it is. 

Until then, I will concentrate on my business.  I’ve been pretty inspired by a Ladies Who Launch group that I joined, which is proving to be a welcome distraction and hopefully really good for business too.  And I’ll enjoy the weather in Chicago (though not today with a high of 55 at the end of May!), and enjoy being able to run and enjoy the seasonal food and the farmers markets and generally having more flexibility and free time in my life than any of the past three summers.  Tomorrow is my “office” day – I have lots of things on my to-do list, including going to yoga and cooking dinner for friends who are coming over to watch the LOST season finale.  I am making Cajun Oven Fried Chicken, Roasted Potatoes and a Blueberry-Coconut Tart.  Can’t wait for that meal!  (I never thought I would say that about a meal involving potatoes, but I think my tastes may be changing – I have discovered a few ways of preparing potatoes that I actually enjoy.)

Runner January 23, 2008

I guess I am done running for the time being.  Last week I ran four days – 6 1/2 miles each day.  I felt good, and wasn’t sore.  Over the weekend, though, or maybe late last week, I started being able to feel some twinges and bloating in my ovaries – very mild, but enough to tell me something is going on in there.  So, based on the amount of time, energy, and money that is going into this process, I had better take it easy and not risk ovarian torsion or anything else bad that could happen if I overdo it.  

Four years ago I would not have understood how hard it is to not exercise.  Four years ago it was hard to exercise.  I was definitely never an athlete.  I played soccer one season in high school and was so terrible that I was disinclined to try it again.  I tried off and on over the years to go running or do other active things, but I always got discouraged by how little I was able to do and how sore I was the next day.  Something clicked for me, though, in March 2004 when I tried to start running again.  Mike and I were living together and he had a treadmill that he bought a couple years before – so at least I could suck in the privacy of my own home and not have to go running outside or in a gym where I was self-conscious that everyone was judging me.  I started doing yoga too, sometime shortly after that.  I started slowly and was able to stick with it long enough to feel results, which encouraged me to keep going.  Six months later I had lost 25 pounds and ran a 5K which I did awesome at (27:21).  The next month I ran a 10K (58:something), which was tough, but doable.  Then in March 2005 I ran a half Marathon with a friend and was totally impressed by myself.  In October 2006 I ran the Chicago Marathon in an amazing 3:51.

I love running.  I love how it makes me feel – fit and healthy and energetic.  I also really like being slim, though I hate to admit that.  But, physically it feels good and mentally it feels good too.  I am not as slim as I was six months ago – partly due to my eating habits when I was in school (and thanks to Baking and Pastry and all the bowl-licking I did there) – and now partly due to this IVF process, I think.  I have gained 4 pounds in the last week.  That has got to be the hormones.  A lot of my clothes don’t fit.  I had to go to Old Navy a couple weeks ago and buy some new pants because my old pants were way too uncomfortable.  I don’t want to stop running because it makes me feel good, but I also don’t want to stop running because I know I will gain more weight.  I just have to keep telling myself: if I get pregnant this will all be worth it.  Yesterday and Monday I walked on the treadmill for 6 miles (90 minutes), and I am more sore from that than from running!  I guess fast walking uses different muscles… So, I am taking today off.  Maybe I’ll walk (slower) later this week.

Last Friday I had an ultrasound check up and everything looked good.  Yesterday I went for another one, and for bloodwork (E2).  Apparently everything looks good.  I have 14 follicles that they measured, and I’ll be taking my trigger shot tonight at midnight.  Friday at noon they’ll retreive the eggs.  Saturday we’ll know how many fertilized and when they will be transferring the embryos (I think it will either be Monday or Wednesday).  One to two weeks later we’ll know whether it was successful.  I am just concentrating on taking all of my medications properly and taking this whole thing one day at a time - that has been working for me so far.  Just think about how I am going to fill this whole day and keep busy and then worry about tomorrow when it comes. 

Maybe today is pie day – I learned how to make pie crust from Mike’s grandma over Christmas and have yet to put this into practice.  If I am going to gain weight, I might as well eat delicious treats while I do it. 

Eight Days Late for Resolutions January 8, 2008

I have never been a resolution-maker.  When I was younger I would make a resolution or two, but they never took.  So I gave up on that.  But there are some things that I would like to do this year, so I am going to make them my 2008 Goals (better late than never):

 1.  Bake a loaf of bread each week – I discovered last term how much I enjoy making and eating fresh bread, and that it really isn’t that hard to do.  With a Borders gift card that I got for Christmas I invetsted in Peter Rinehart’s Whole Grain Breads and I intend to make a loaf each week from that book for now and then maybe move on to other books.  This week I made a really yummy loaf of Multigrain Seeded Bread from Bob’s Red Mill Baking Book and have been having it for lunch.  What a treat.  And I find it really relaxing to make it too – all around a good thing that I want to do more of.  Next up: Whole Wheat Cinnamon Raisin Bread.

2.  Take photos of the food I make.  This can only help as I try to start my business.  And hopefully forcing myself to do it will help me get better at the styling part.

3.  Keep track of the foods I cook in my little black book.  Last year I started writing down things that I wanted to try to make or things that I had in restaurants that were really good.  This year I want to write down what I make – I am getting to the point where I can’t remember all the dishes anymore!  My last-year’s efforts fell off a bit since I got sick last summer, so I am going to start using the book again.

4.  Get some clients!  But not too many – I want a nice relaxing work/life balance especially at this point in my life with fertility treatments.

And in these goals I am not going to write “get pregnant”.  That’s a given, and I feel like it is fairly out of my control.  I will do everything I can for this first IVF cycle, and if that fails I will do everything I can with the second, and so on.  But we’ll just see what my body decides to do with all these drugs and whether it takes. 

Yesterday I had to go to the dermatologist to get two moles removed.  One was on my scalp and one on my side.  I had the somewhat shocking thought while I was laying on the table getting the numbing drugs shot into my head that I would rather be at the fertility doctor, legs spread, with that damn ultrasound wand doing what it does.  At lest that doesn’t hurt and make horrifying noises that you know is your skin and hair getting cut off your head.  Sorry, a little graphic, but it was terrible.  Today my head hurts and my side hurts and I am tired – I didn’t sleep very well last night since I couldn’t turn over but didn’t realize that when I was asleep until I woke up because I rolled over on my stitches.  Ugh.  I wish I didn’t have to do this every six months.  Damn fair skin and family history of melanoma.

Today the remainder of my IVF meds got ordered.  I’ll go pick them up at the pharmacy tomorrow.  Whereas I was sort of excited when the first ones were ordered, I am a little more apprehensive this time.  Lupron still isn’t affecting me – I might be having hot flashes, but I am so cold regularly that I think it is evening me out.  And I have been fine emotionally.  So we’ll see how the next medicines go.  I still don’t have my injection schedule, but I should have that this Friday when I go in for my next baseline ultrasound before starting the stimulation medications.  I am a little nervous because Mike is going to be gone for work one night next week when I’ll probably have to have a shot in my butt.  I am not sure if I am going to be able to do it myself.  I might have to enlist Laura.

I forgot to write about it at the time, what with my grandma’s funeral and then the holidays, but I did try acupuncture as my yoga lady had recommended.  I have heard that it doesn’t feel like needles, and I was nice and relaxed on the acupuncture table the day my grandma died, which also happened to be my last day at my grantwriting job since I headed right home for the funeral.  Then the lady stuck me with a needle – and let me tell you, it felt like a damn needle.  Especially the one she stuck behind my knee.  It hurt.  The other ones weren’t as bad, but they were definitely needles.  After they were in they didn’t bother me, and I was so nice and warm and relaxed and a little fuzzy-headed when I left.  But ultimately I decided that there are enough needles involved in this process and I don’t need to pay $100 per week to have someone stick me with more of them. 

As for yoga, I have been going to see this woman one-on-one for yoga for fertility.  I was pretty diligent about it at first.  But sometimes I just want to sit down and watch TV after a long day, or make a loaf of bread, or something other than yoga.  She says I should be doing it every day if possible (though I can’t now with three stitches in my head and eight (!) in my side).  It hasn’t happened.  It is supposed to relax me, but I don’t feel too stressed now that I am not going into that office every day.  I generally feel like I have time to do what I need to do without being stressed.  However, I have found myself with a clenched jaw a lot.  Maybe I do need to relax more.  Every time I notice it, I relax my jaw… but it does happen a lot lately.

So, Mike is probably leaving work soon, and I’ll go start making dinner.  Tonight for dinner: Indian Chickpeas, Curried Cabbage and Brown Rice.  Yum.

Lady of Leisure January 4, 2008

Being a lady of leisure is not so leisurely.  I always think that I am going to have all this time to get tons of things done (who doesn’t) – I’ll post to my blog every day, I’ll go running every day, I’ll do yoga every day… But it never ends up quite that way.

I am such a lucky duck right now – I quit my grantwriting job in mid-December and haven’t had to worry about getting into an office or felt guilty about being late into the office yet again due to another doctor’s appointment.  Now I am on my own clock.  It is a tremendous luxury, I know.  I am so lucky that my husband is supportive (emotionally and financially) of me quitting my job to start up my own business.  He also has told me on several occasions (perhaps I have already written about it, but I am too lazy to go back and look) that he wants me to take my time, do it right, and not get stressed out.  So that is exactly what I have done this week. 

Monday and Tuesday we were with our friends for New Year’s at the Party Crib (year 4).  Wednesday was kind of a rough day emotionally, more on that to come, so I did just a little cleaning and generally took it easy.  Yesterday I got a bunch of stuff done for my business - all that official stuff like incorporating, getting a FEIN, and figuring out sales taxes.  I still have a lot to do, but I am crossing things off one by one.  Today I did a couple little things this morning, am doing laundry, roasting a squash for dinner, and will go running shortly so I can go visit my friend who just had a baby this afternoon.  I am managing to keep very busy so far.  I am hoping to have more time next week to really sit down and get my website and some other things ironed out.  First I need this house/apartment to be really clean and organized so that I can focus when I come back here to our little office.

Today is day 5 of Lupron injections.  I have been suprised that it isn’t painful.  There’s a little tiny pinch feeling, but nothing bad at all.  I haven’t felt any side effects so far either.  I thought I was having hot flashes the first day but I think it was just from being in a hot kitchen with 7 other people.  I haven’t been overly irritable or overly emotional – so far so good.  We’ll see what happens with the next series of medications, but the Lupron is no problem so far.

What has been a problem is all of my friends getting pregnant.  I know three people right now who are due in July and have just announced their pregnanices – one other is due is May and just told us.  Three of them I know got pregnant right away – the first month of trying.  I know life isn’t fair, but it just hurts so much when I want this so badly and it is such a struggle for us and my friends just decide they want to have a baby and *poof* they’re pregnant.  This hasn’t been the case for all of them, I know.  But, for those who it is, I am really happy for them but also very envious.  When the last of my friends told us on Tuesday she was pregnant I cried in the car on the way home with Mike.  I cried when we got home some more.  I didn’t cry Wednesday, but I was feeling pretty down. 

2008 is supposed to be a better year for us - says me.  After getting my friend’s announcement on the first day of 2008 I was upset that the year had started out badly for me.  Not that it was bad I guess, but just emotionally difficult.  In a lot of ways 2007 was good – we got to travel to some really fun places – Las Vegas, Arizona, South Carolina, NYC, Oregon – but it was also very busy with me in school and working full time.  And then after I was in the hospital in August it kind of fell apart.  August was bad and then the rest of the year we were pretty focused on figuring out if I was well and what our next steps were now that we knew we wouldn’t be able to have kids on our own.  So, 2008 – please be better to us.  We had a rough start there on the 1st, but you can redeem yourself.

This week I haven’t had any appointments at the fertility center.  Next week I continue my Lupron injections and on Friday I’ll go for another baseline ultrasound before starting the stimulation medications.  I still don’t have a schedule for those injections, but I think that might be a good thing since it allows me to not obsess and stare at the calendar all the time, waiting for the day of retreival, transfer, and testing.  If I did know all of those dates, I think I would be doing a lot more counting-down than I am doing now.  I don’t know what date retrieval or transfer is happening so I can’t focus all of my energy on that.  When I was working my office job that I hated, I spent a great deal of time just looking at my calendar – both the paper one and the one on the computer, focused on dates yet to come when something good or at least decisive was going to happen - I even had a written weekly countdown until I was quitting my job.  Not knowing all the details is allowing me to just live my life for the time being.  Though I think I might call next week to see what they can tell me – I just want to make sure that I do get the drugs that I need by the date that I need them. 

At this point I just can’t imagine it not working.  I have to beleive that it is going to work on the first try.  Emotionally I have so much invested in this and especially with so many friends pregnant or recently having had children, if this doesn’t work it is going to be devastating to me.  I already know that if it does work, the estimated due date would be late October/early November.  Please, God, let me have a baby by then.  At this point I can’t fathom having to wait even more months to go through IVF again.  By then we probably wouldn’t even be talking about having a baby in 2008.  It would be 2009 before it became a reality.  Arg.  I can’t think about it.  I have to just stay positive, take care of myself, take all of my medications exactly as I am supposed to and hope for the best…

Book Club December 10, 2007

Four days, one hour and ten minutes and counting until I am free of this job!  Maybe less if I don’t have to stay the whole day on Friday. 

Tonight I am going to book club.  For some reason I had a crazy fear of book club when I first moved to Chicago.  I like to beleive that I was a straight-A student in high school and college, and I sometimes actually do believe it.  This summer when I was home and weeding through some boxes to throw stuff away, I came across all of my report cards.  In the box was proof that I was NOT a straight-A student and I almost never got A’s in History or English classes – though there were a couple of exceptions.  At the hippy-dippy college within the University of Michigan that I went to we did not get “grades”.  Instead we got “evaluations”.  My professors always commented about how quiet I was in class.  One even called me “reticent”.  I would so much rather get a B than be called reticent.  These evaluations always made me feel really bad, even if they also complimented my writing or said other good things (perfect attendance! – man I was a goodie-goodie) what I remembered were all the comments about how I should have spoken up more in class.  Sometimes I was intimidated by the other people in my classes and sometimes I felt like I just didn’t have anything original to contribute to the conversation.  To this day I would rather write a paper about a given topic than to have a discussion about it.  I feel like I can organize my thoughts better when there is a word-processor involved.

So when we decided to move to Chicago and I told my friend Kate, she started jumping around (no, I am not kidding – she does a lot of jumping around when she is excited) and started talking about all the things that I could do with them, including Book Club.  It was just assumed that I would be part of the Chicago l.adies Book Club.  I wasn’t sure that I wanted to though – and I remember having discussions with M. about whether I would look dumb.  I am so insecure, even at the ripe old age of 30, about my intellectual worthiness and about what people will think of me. 

So I went to book club for the first time two-plus years ago.  What I discovered was that there was some really good food at book club.  They were discussing a book that I had read, but I had read it two years earlier – and I really don’t remember books that long.  I read them, enjoy them (or not) and then promptly forget most of them.  So I didn’t have a whole lot to say.  I was reticent during the discussion.  But no one seemed to look down on me, and they invited me back.  And I ate a really yummy dinner.  Now I look forward to Book Club.  I am not afraid of the discussion anymore.  If I have something to say, I say it.  If not, I just listen to what other people say.  It has increased my appreciation for some books.  Overall, it has definitely been a positive experience.  There must be a lesson to be learned from this…

I also had a dermatologist appointment this morning.  Stupid family history of melanoma.  I have two more moles that have to be removed.  That makes 6 in 12 months, I think.  Yuck.  One is on my scalp.  Obviously I would rather have these moles removed than get skin cancer down the line.  But, it does suck. 

Four days and 55 minutes and counting.

Diagnosis Code 628.2 November 19, 2007

Last Wednesday I “worked” from home and so was able to make some phone calls that I needed to make before we start this IVF cycle.  First I called my insurance company to find out if some blood tests are covered – and the woman told me that they are not because they are considered experimental.  These are the $800 worth of blood tests that the clinic wanted me to put on my credit card.  They also told me that whether or not the rest of the tests are covered are based on which diagnosis code is submitted with the bills.  Then I called the doctor’s office to find out what my diagnosis code is.

Digression:  There is something really wrong with the medical system in this country, where the pain (physical and mental), heartache, and tears that I have been experiencing over the past 4 months (though, really, over a year) can be summed up by the insurance company as Diagnosis Code 628.2.  Maybe I would be better off if I had 628.3 – though who the hell knows what any of this means? 

Anyway, I got the diagnosis code and called the insurance company back again to confirm.  This time they told me all the tests would be covered.  I was so happy!  Then I decided I better call back one more time and see who the next person sided with.  So I called again, and was told that definitely none of these tests are covered. 

One of the things that I have learned, both with my gallbladder surgery six years ago, and hospitalization earlier this year, is that you can not trust people in the medical field to do what you need them to do.  It is up to you to be agressive and get what you need.  It is so sad to see people in the hospital (like my roommates this past August) who don’t have anyone there to advocate for them and make sure they aren’t poked and prodded any more than they really need to be, and to make sure that they are getting proper medication to make them well and keep them comfortable.  I am so fortunate that my husband and mom and inlaws and a couple friends were there so much to take care of me. 

But, it is never ending.  I guess it makes sense – in some way you are ultimately responsible for your own health and making decisions about your body.  But I used to have a lot more confidence and faith in the medical profession than I do now.  Between incomplete care and misinformation and just blatant guesses about what is going on inside my body, doctors (except for you Dr. Palmer and Dr. L - I do love you!) have not really been doing me right.

I am happy that we found an IVF clinic that seems to be the exception to this too.  They are very responsive and communicative and compassionate.  I feel like I am in good hands there.  This past Friday M. and I went to see them for our ART consult and injection teaching session.  I thought there woudl only be one big shot in my ass.  Turns out those are daily shots – twice or three times a day… Hmmm.  I guess I’ll get used to it.  M. looked pretty freaked out when he realized how many shots he was going to have to give me.  I am a little nervous about that, but mostly because I know he is nervous.  Hopefully he’ll just go for it.  I feel adrenaline in my body just thinking about it.

We have officially started this first IVF cycle – our medication schedule is being prepared, we have completed a lot of the tests, I am on birth control to suppress my system, and I’ll be starting injections at the end of December.  I haven’t thought a whole lot about what this means for me in the big picture – I have been so focused on the little things and putting one foot in front of the other so that I at least feel like we are making some sort of progress in the ultimate goal of starting a family.  I want to do this now, but I also wonder if I am rushing in too fast.  I have always been in a big hurry in my life to get to the ‘next thing’.  With so many of my friends having babies, I want to be at that stage so much, and I want to start our family.  Thinking about it now, though, I don’t think there is really any reason to wait.  We were ready to be pregnant over a year ago.  We are financially stable (and will be even after I quit my job in four weeks, which is another story…  ) and insurance covers the majority of the treatment.  I think waiting to start IVF would have just drawn this process out and kept me wondering longer.  So, I definitely am ready for this.  M. is totally on board too – I think he just worries about my health and my mental state sometimes when this situation is getting to me, like it did last Wednesday.

I got so frustrated with the insurance company giving me three different answers and then I also was talking to an acupunture practitioner and she said that it isn’t a good idea to do the acupuncture “half-assed” and that it is most beneficial if you go once a week and then once right before embryo transfer and once right after.  That’s a lot of money when you figure $100 per session.  So then I was worried (more like feeling guilty) about spending that kind of money on this process when I am voluntarily giving up my paycheck soon.

M. has a really good attitute about it, I think (maybe because it is working out in my favor…), and he says that he wants me to pursue my Personal Chef business and we didn’t spend all this money on tuition this year so that I would stay at my current job that I don’t even like.  I am trying to stay positive and confident and know that it will work out and that I will make some money.  I am super fortunate that there isn’t a certain amount that I have to make in order for us to be able to pay the bills.  We just won’t be saving as much money if I am not making as much.  In some ways I am so excited about leaving this job and starting my business, but I am also struggling with guilt over giving up this job that pays me well to go into something that I have no idea how it will work out.  It is scary but exciting.

I started a knitting project this weekend, for the first time in months and months and months and I feel myself becoming obsessed with it again, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I’ll write more about that tomorrow since it is the end of my lunch hour, and also this novel needs to end.