Tears May 5, 2008

Today while I was cooking I was listening to a radio program that was about death.  Three times in the course of 10 minutes, I thought I was going to sob.  My face crinkled up and I started crying, but I calmed down quickly.  It was hearing the tears in other people’s voices that did it to me.  Usually I can listen to things like that, and though I am affected by it, I don’t start crying too.  Hmmm.

AND, all afternoon I have been having some intestinal issues.  I just did a little google research, and it looks like diarrhea can be a sign of early pregnancy… Hmmm.

AND I just got an e-mail from a great friend who offered to cancel plans at the last minute with other friends this Thursday if I need to be with someone, since Mike will be away.  That made me start to cry too.  She’s such a good friend.

Anyway, I am hoping that these two strange things are a good sign for us.

Ooh – the timer just went off on our yummy roasted beets for this evening’s dinner.  We’re having Moroccan Lamb, Couscous with Mint and Almonds and Roasted Beets with Horseradish.  Yum.

Counting Down May 5, 2008

Three-ish days until we know the result of this cycle.  Yesterday I went to my final acupuncture appointment and today I am cooking for a client.  I am not cooking again until Friday.  The days have been going by a little faster than they were at the beginning, but still painfully slowly.  Mike asked me the other day whether this two weeks of waiting is worse or whether the daily shots are worse.  This is definitely the worst part of the cycle.  Waiting and thinking way too much about Thursday’s phone call that will either make me over-the-moon happy, or will devastate me again.

We went out to dinner last night to celebrate my 31st birthday (or, 29 for the 3rd time – I think I almost believe myself that I am still 29 since I keep saying it so much) to an amazing restaurant in Chicago called North Pond.  We had the chef’s tasting menu, which I love to do, and we had morel mushroom soup as well as a ramp sauce with our halibut cheeks.  I tried sweetbreads and halibut cheeks, neither of which I had ever had before, and everything was absolutely delicious.  The soup and the ravioli course were both a little over-salted for my taste, but other than that I had no complaints.  Mike is always very generous and thoughtful with his gifts.  This year he replaced my broken iPod for me (with his credit card points), and I thought that was going to be my whole gift.  But he also gave me tickets to a Jack Johnson concert in Wisconsin, so we’ll go away for the weekend in June.  He also wrote me the most thoughtful, heartfelt letter about how proud he is of me and how well I have dealt with this whole IVF thing and also opening my business.  I cried at the dinner table. 

So, ndanukiwi, you’re right - in a lot of ways I am really lucky and my 30th year was great – graduating from culinary school, leaving my painful office job, and starting my business.  It unfortunately gets a little overshadowed at some points (a lot of points…) in this IVF rollercoaster.  I am still struggling in a big way with seeing pregnant women all around me – I haven’t seen a pregnant woman and not felt intense jealousy in close to two years.  And living where I do in a big city I see a lot of pregnant women.  Yesterday alone I remember seeing at least 6.  The “why can’t it be me” thought comes unbidden and immediately.  And frequently. 

Tomorrow I go for the first “beta” test, but they said they won’t call with the results of this one.  I probably could do a home pregnancy test tomorrow or Wednesday or Thursday.  I have seen so many negative results on them, though, that I feel like maybe I should just wait and not psych myself out one way or the other.  Who knows – maybe the HCG is still in my system from the trigger shot.  A false positive would be the worst case scenario.  So, I’ll try to be patient until Thursday afternoon when the doctor’s office will call with news.  My Thursday shadowing plans got cancelled, so I am going to have to find a way to entertain myself during the day.  I did e-mail a friend to see if she wants to get lunch that day.  Hopefully it will work out. 

Here we go March 31, 2008

IVF #2 is underway.  I gave myself my first Lupron shot this morning.  Two weeks of one shot per day, and then stimulation.  It feels a little less scary this time since I know what to expect from the needles and procedures.  I am also trying to have a better outlook this time – I keep telling myself that this time it is going to work.  I am pleased to be able to do something active again in the pursuit of having a baby.  But it still feels like waiting in a lot of ways.  It’s not like I am pushing a baby out into the world…

My grant work is also wrapping up and will be done this week.  It hasn’t been too painful – I just seem to procrastinate a lot more on the computer when I am supposed to be doing that work instead of work for my own business.  But, the job that I thought was going to take me two days looks like it will only take one and I will be done with the majority of the work (other than printing and copying) by the end of the day today.

Fortunately that should give me some additional time to prepare for my gig this coming weekend.  After making a leg of lamb last night I am a little nervous about doing this 20-person dinner party by myself.  I am mostly concerned about everything being warm at the same time and being able to get everything out when they want it.  I think it is do-able, it will just take some good planning and skillful lamb carving.  Last night I was kind of hacking it all up.  I’ll have to be a little more suave about it. 

But, my gigs this past weekend (one regular cookdate and one party) were a total success.  Both clients have told me how great everything was, so I am really pleased, and I also have some checks to deposit which is also really exciting. 

April will be a busy month, which will be great with keeping my mind off the treatment somewhat.  This week I am engrossed in finishing up the grant and my dinner party, next week my mom is coming to visit (which could be good or bad…), the following week we go to Miami for 5 days, after that I am going to Michigan for a weekend, and then we are almost at retreival and transfer.  Hopefully a positive test result will be here before I know it.  My psychologist tells me it is my turn and that it is going to work this time.  I hope she is right and the universe agrees with her.

6 Weeks March 25, 2008

If my previous IVF cycle schedule holds true for this one (retreival and transfer on the same days of the cycle) then I am exactly 6 weeks away from the Beta #1.  Mike will leave the following day for Seattle.  Why is he always traveling right at the time we are finding out?  I don’t think he’ll be able to get out of this trip if we have another bad result.  But, we’re not going to have a bad result, right!?  Right.  Body, are you listening?  Please cooperate this time.  I’ll be really nice to you in return.  Massages at least every other week,y oga, meditation, yummy unprocessed foods and no alcohol.  Please, what more do you want?!

That New Car Smell March 25, 2008

Yesterday we bought a brand-new car with 17 miles on it.  I have never been the owner (not that I am the technical owner, or even the primary driver) of a brand-spanking new car.   And it was FUN to drive home last night.  We got all the bells and whistles – leather heated seats (important when you live in the perpetual-winter that is Chicago), sunroof, navigation system, XM radio.  Fun, fun, fun.  Mike is communting with it, but I am excited to drive it around this weekend.  I cleaned out our old car, which is becoming my car, this morning so that it really feels like mine.  I took three big bags of crap out of the trunk and the car – for some reason it was very cluttered.  Now it is nice and neat but in need of a major vacuuming and washing.  Maybe tomorrow.  I haven’t had my own car in 5 years, so it is going to be nice to have that freedom again.  I think I will take advantage of it and make a trip to Michigan to visit a friend in a few weeks.

Finally last Friday I buckled down and got a lot of the work done on the grant.  So now I am in pretty good shape.  I got some more work done today (while also procrastinating on Facebook – which I thought I was too old for, but what fun it turns out to be, reconnecting with high-school friends and roommates of long ago) and will do more after lunch.  But, I am pretty confident that it will come together without too much stress by next Wednesday/Thursday when I must have it done.

And in IVF land, I am counting the days until I start Lupron shots again – a week from yesterday.  I am ready to go and just waiting for the green light.  I have my baseline ultrasound this Thursday before starting the Lupron.  Deep breath.  Positive thoughts.  Maybe that will become my mantra.