Headache June 24, 2008

I was thinking of going for  a run this afternoon after cooking, but I have a huge headache.  I wonder if it is sugar withdrawl.  Can you go through the same sort of symptoms as for caffeine for sugar withdrawl? 

Yesterday I taught a frosting/meringue/whipped cream class for my friends – so tons of sugar was consumed.  I avoided bringing any home with me though.  But I think I have been consuming a lot of sugar over the course of a day recently.  This morning I did start the Quantum Wellness cleanse.  I am just doing it for 7 days though – not the full 21 that you can do it for.  I don’t think this is contributing to my tiredness/headache.  I was super-tired this morning for some reason, even after eating a typical breakfast – oatmeal and fruit.  This part of the cleanse isn’t too different from normal for me.  I wonder, though, if the headache is related. 

Day 1 meals have been/will be:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with soy milk and fruit, Tea

Snack: Small V8

Lunch: 1/2 avocado with salt and pepper, 1 sliced tomato with salt and pepper, 1/2 large sweet potato, oven roasted

Snack: 1 banana with peanut butter

Dinner: (will be) vegetable and tofu red curry and brown rice

This probably isn’t interesting to anyone but me, and the cleanse has removed a lot of sugar and other things from my regular diet.  But, it isn’t THAT hard to go vegan/gluten-free/sugar-free.  It would be WAY harder if Mike was home or I had plans to eat out…

So, maybe I am using this headache/tiredness as an excuse not to run – but I do have a ton of stuff to get done around the house still.  Sunday when we got back from the weekend away I just didn’t feel like doing anything, so I sitll have to unpack.  At least all the dishes are clean now.

I am STILL having this eyelid muscle spasm too – I am not sure how long it has been now, but at least 6 weeks.  If I wasn’t at the doctor (albeit a different doctor) all the freakin’ time, maybe I’d go get it checked out. 

This is Day 3 of Mike’s conference.  The first night I was surprisingly a little down about him being gone.  I thought I was used to him traveling, but maybe it is different now since he is gone so long this time.  I am getting lots of quality alone-time.  There are plenty of people that I could call if I wanted to make plans, but for now I am kind of enjoying just being home and being able to get some stuff done and get this apartment cleaned up before my dad and my step-mom arrive for a visit next week.

Speaking of getting stuff done, better get to my accounting, which I have been putting off since last week.

 

Estress June 1, 2008

Whenever I think of the word stress, I think of it said the way they say it in Ecuador.  It is the same word in English and Spanish, but they put an “eh” sound before the “sss” sound.  They did this to my name too – I think Spanish speakers are not accustomed to the “sss” sound starting a word…

Anyway, I don’t feel particularly estressed.  Yes, this process sucks, and yes, I am eating a lot more junk than I have in the last four or five years (estress eating?), but I feel like I have been managing the stress pretty well between seeing a psychologist, getting massages, going running, etc.  But – I have had a twitch in my left eyelid for almost three weeks.  It is REALLY ANNOYING.  It happens every day, maybe 75 – 100 or so times a day – I am not kidding.  It happens most when I blink, but seems to happen equally in the morning and evening.  I just read a little on the internet (oh, diagnostic wonder that you are) and it looks like mostly eyelid twitches are caused by stress and lack of sleep and there aren’t too many remedies except reducing stress and getting more sleep.  (Or Botox, which is kind of hilarious and unappealing.)

I ran a 10k race with my girlfriends this morning, and it was a beautiful morning to run.  When we were running along the lakefront I saw this very pregnant women with a tight-fitting shirt on that said ‘Got Baby?’ like the ’Got Milk’ commercials.  I mean, really, what good does that shirt do other than making people like me think - Nope – Thanks for asking.  Then there were approximately thirteen zillion other hugely pregnant women that I saw today.  This is the first day that I noticed feeling angry towards these women who seemed to me to be flaunting their perfect, round bellies.  Couldn’t they just stay home??  Before I just felt jealous.  Now I am starting to hate them too.

Yes, totally irrational.   Ah, the wonderful world of infertility.  Maybe I’ll go have a piece of my blueberry-coconut tart, even though I also had an ice cream cone in the middle of the day today.  I get upset that I have gained weight through this process and haven’t been able to lose any of it yet, and then I go eat all these sweets (and salty goodness too) and justify it by thinking that I need to be nice to myself.  Being nice to myself = eating good food.  Brilliant, brilliant.

My temperature May 28, 2008

I’ve been feeling a little funny in the lower-abdominal area all day.  Like my abdomen was a little swollen or something.  I didn’t think too much of it until I was at a meeting this evening and was really warm – totally unlike me.  And I am so tired too.  So, I started putting all this together and figuring I am getting another infection.  There is no sick-time from an employer now.  I would have to cancel and disappoint clients if I had to spend a week in the hospital and then two more weeks recouperating like last August.  It might even be worse than last time because I actually care about what I am doing now.  I was trying to read my body’s signs and figure out if I was going to have to make an emergency call to the doctor tomorrow, or, god forbid, head to the emergency room tonight.  Then I remembered that my temperature might tell me something about what is going on in there.  97.0.  Ah, perfectly normal.  Probably nothing to worry about.  But, wouldn’t that be the worst-case scenario?  (Well, I guess there could be worse, but that would be really bad.)  Maybe it was just warm in the room and I haven’t gotten enough sleep, and who knows what explains the abdominal issue…

Anyway, we have gone right back into our holding pattern before heading into IVF #3.  This is the last one that insurance will pay for, so we are hoping for better luck this time.  However, they aren’t really doing anything differently, so I am not really holding out a ton of hope that we’ll have a different result.  The doctor thinks that it is possible that I have an egg quality issue – possibly all the infections have damaged my eggs/ovaries – so they are going to do pre-implantation genetic testing to see if that is the case and if that will explain why the first two didn’t work.  Although insurance will pay for the meds and the IVF itself, we will be out of pocket for these tests to the tune of about $5k.  That will take a nice chunk out of the money we have set aside in case we do have to do IVF on our own… But at least if it shows that I have a genetic issue then we would know that our next step is to move on to donor eggs, or adoption.  At this point I lean towards donor eggs, but there is a lot to consider, not the least of which is that we have always joked about having red-headed japanese kids – and donor eggs could majorly disrupt that little fantasy.  I guess that is just a symptom of the real issue – of not being genetically related… but as usual this is about a thousand steps further than I need to be here at the end of May.

We’ll do IVF #3 in August – meaning starting the Lupron shots at the end of July.  Totally opposite from last time, that seems a little too quick.  Last time I couldn’t wait to try again – I needed something active to look forward to.  This time I just want off the roller coaster for a little while.  So we decided to wait one extra month (the soonest I would be able to cycle is July) to give me a little breathing room and also so that I don’t have the stress of whether or not I am going to get my period in time to do the next cycle.  Who knows – I could still have that if my body decides to be particularly uncooperative…

I thought for a little while that maybe we would wait until September or October, but our trip to New England, which I am looking forward to so much that I don’t want to change it to accommodate my preferred month for IVF, would conflict with either month for a cycle.  For the September cycle I would be in New England during the time I would have to have my beta tests – which we could work around, but I am not interested in being a total emotional disaster while I am supposed to be enjoying my vacation and my friend’s wedding.  And for the October cycle, we would be in Boston during the time when I would have to be having some monitoring visits.

August isn’t ideal either – that means that I won’t be able to have a glass of wine at the Outstanding in the Field dinner that we are going to for our anniversary, and which I have been looking forward to for months.  I’ll have to take all my drugs with me to a camping trip in Wisconsin – that should be interesting… and just generally – it’s summer in Chicago!  I should be enjoying the best months (the only months) to live in Chicago and not worrying about the shots and the bullshit that goes along with this.  But waiting until November seems a little far away, and also the doctor did not recommend it.  She said that I am still young, but it isn’t going to get any better, and I might as well get on with the next cycle sooner rather than later.  So, August it is. 

Until then, I will concentrate on my business.  I’ve been pretty inspired by a Ladies Who Launch group that I joined, which is proving to be a welcome distraction and hopefully really good for business too.  And I’ll enjoy the weather in Chicago (though not today with a high of 55 at the end of May!), and enjoy being able to run and enjoy the seasonal food and the farmers markets and generally having more flexibility and free time in my life than any of the past three summers.  Tomorrow is my “office” day – I have lots of things on my to-do list, including going to yoga and cooking dinner for friends who are coming over to watch the LOST season finale.  I am making Cajun Oven Fried Chicken, Roasted Potatoes and a Blueberry-Coconut Tart.  Can’t wait for that meal!  (I never thought I would say that about a meal involving potatoes, but I think my tastes may be changing – I have discovered a few ways of preparing potatoes that I actually enjoy.)

Counting Down May 5, 2008

Three-ish days until we know the result of this cycle.  Yesterday I went to my final acupuncture appointment and today I am cooking for a client.  I am not cooking again until Friday.  The days have been going by a little faster than they were at the beginning, but still painfully slowly.  Mike asked me the other day whether this two weeks of waiting is worse or whether the daily shots are worse.  This is definitely the worst part of the cycle.  Waiting and thinking way too much about Thursday’s phone call that will either make me over-the-moon happy, or will devastate me again.

We went out to dinner last night to celebrate my 31st birthday (or, 29 for the 3rd time – I think I almost believe myself that I am still 29 since I keep saying it so much) to an amazing restaurant in Chicago called North Pond.  We had the chef’s tasting menu, which I love to do, and we had morel mushroom soup as well as a ramp sauce with our halibut cheeks.  I tried sweetbreads and halibut cheeks, neither of which I had ever had before, and everything was absolutely delicious.  The soup and the ravioli course were both a little over-salted for my taste, but other than that I had no complaints.  Mike is always very generous and thoughtful with his gifts.  This year he replaced my broken iPod for me (with his credit card points), and I thought that was going to be my whole gift.  But he also gave me tickets to a Jack Johnson concert in Wisconsin, so we’ll go away for the weekend in June.  He also wrote me the most thoughtful, heartfelt letter about how proud he is of me and how well I have dealt with this whole IVF thing and also opening my business.  I cried at the dinner table. 

So, ndanukiwi, you’re right - in a lot of ways I am really lucky and my 30th year was great – graduating from culinary school, leaving my painful office job, and starting my business.  It unfortunately gets a little overshadowed at some points (a lot of points…) in this IVF rollercoaster.  I am still struggling in a big way with seeing pregnant women all around me – I haven’t seen a pregnant woman and not felt intense jealousy in close to two years.  And living where I do in a big city I see a lot of pregnant women.  Yesterday alone I remember seeing at least 6.  The “why can’t it be me” thought comes unbidden and immediately.  And frequently. 

Tomorrow I go for the first “beta” test, but they said they won’t call with the results of this one.  I probably could do a home pregnancy test tomorrow or Wednesday or Thursday.  I have seen so many negative results on them, though, that I feel like maybe I should just wait and not psych myself out one way or the other.  Who knows – maybe the HCG is still in my system from the trigger shot.  A false positive would be the worst case scenario.  So, I’ll try to be patient until Thursday afternoon when the doctor’s office will call with news.  My Thursday shadowing plans got cancelled, so I am going to have to find a way to entertain myself during the day.  I did e-mail a friend to see if she wants to get lunch that day.  Hopefully it will work out. 

More Thoughts on Waiting February 3, 2008

Mike and I are trying hard not to let infertility rule our lives.  We intend to still have fun and see our friends and enjoy life even though this really sucks.  And that has been helpful in passing the time since August when it was decided that we were not going to be able to get pregnant on our own. 

Last week and this week are like a heightened version of waiting though.  The embryos are in, but are they still alive now?  Are they dividing?  Have they implanted?  There’s no way to know until Thursday.  With 50/50 odds, I am really not allowing myself to beleive that it is going to work.  I start thinking that it might, and immediately I tell myself not to get my hopes up.

So, last week I kept pretty busy and this week I have some stuff planned too.  When I am grocery shopping and cooking my mind is occupied.  Sometimes it is with other activities too.  When I realize that I haven’t been obsessing about how many days there are between now and Thursday for an hour or two due to some distraction, I am very happy to have killed that time. 

It’s the same concept as the last five months – I don’t want this to rule my life – but a totally different scale.  Make-it-or-break-it this time. 

Today I had an event for my new business (which also really helped in the keeping-my-mind-off-it department).  A high-school acquantance hired me to cook brunch for 15-20 people at their home (including 5 others from our class who I hadn’t seen since graduation 13 years ago.  Christ, I am old).  It was a huge success – everyone raved about the food and I was super pleased by how everything turned out.  And I got paid – it’s nice to have a little bit of income!  I am still waiting for my website, but hopefully that will be up soon so that I can get some more clients and get cooking!

Cookies January 17, 2008

These are the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever had.  The recipe came courtesy of Smitten Kitchen, a food blogger that I love.  The first step in making the cookies is toasting the pecans (or walnuts if you prefer), which end up tasting like candied nuts inside the cookies when they are baked.  I am not usually a huge nuts-in-cookies kind of girl, but toasting them first adds a whole new, delicious dimension. 

I baked a batch of these cookies yesterday to take to our friend, the nurse, who agreed to give me my first intramuscular shot.  The big scary needle that you mix the meds with actually comes off and you put a smaller needle on, and it hardly hurt at all, I am VERY happy to report.  So far so good with the stimulation medications.  I haven’t been feeling any side effects yet.  Tomorrow morning I go for a monitoring ultrasound to see how they are treating my ovaries.  I hope that I am responding well. 

I can’t even imagine what the next few weeks are going to bring.  I feel optimistic a lot of the time, but then I read statistics about only 1 in 5 IVF procedures working, and 30% success rates – not sure about the 10% difference there, but either way the odds are against us on any given cycle.  But, the fact is, the only known problem with my body is that the eggs have no way to rendesvous with the spermies because of my blocked tubes.  As far as we know I don’t have any hormonal issues, or issues that would prevent implantation.  So, in theory maybe my odds are higher?  In the end, the odds don’t mean a whole lot.  Either it is going to work or it is not.  Either way it is monumental – a huge and emotional event in my life.  If it is good, it will be so indescribably good.  If it is bad it will be crushing.  I am only a few weeks away from either the best news of my life, or some of the worst news of my life.  Like I said before, it just seems so outside of my control – my body is going to do what it is going to do.  So, I’ll try to help it as much as possible by eating good food, exercising, not drinking caffeine or a lot of alcohol (though I’ll still probably have a glass of wine with dinner every few days up until embryo transfer), and relaxing.  It is hard to acknowledge that is all I can do.  But, I think that’s it other than just waiting to see what happens.

I went to Target yesterday in the middle of the day since Mike is in New Orleans and left the car for me.  It was great to be able to take my time and wander around the store with no hurry – what a luxury.  When I walked by all the baby stuff, I just had to keep walking and avert my eyes – I feel like if I start looking at all of those things I am going to just get my hopes up and jinx myself.  It’s so hard to look at all those adorable little things that I want to buy, but don’t have anyone to buy them for. 

I was going to put in a picture of my lovely whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread up today too, but I am having a hard time figuring out the photo system.  Not exactly the most technologically sophisticated person in the universe here… I can usually figure out what I need to do, but this seems to be beyond me for the moment.  So, I will try to do that tomorrow and update on my ultrasound.  I am also getting the stitches out of my scalp and my side tomorrow, so I’ll spend half the day getting to doctors offices (at opposite ends of the city) and home again.  After the stitches come out I think I’ll be able to go back to my yoga too, so that will be another nice relaxing thing to do. 

Good thing I don’t have a job at the moment!

Week 3 Bread January 15, 2008

Although I just wrote about my bread-making goal last week, I have already made two “loaves” of bread this year.  The third is in the oven now.  Week #1 was spent at our New Year’s rental house, and for New Year’s Day breakfast we had a feast of Grandma P’s cinnamon rolls, eggs with mushrooms and fontina cheese, and turkey bacon.  The cinnnamon rolls turned out better than they ever had – when I have made them in the past, that is.  I am not taking anything away from Grandma P.  Hers were probably better.  But it is very exciting that now that I know what I am doing, thanks to Baking and Pastry I, that it makes a difference!

Week #2 I made a multi-grain bread that was perfect with tomato soup as grilled cheese or just smeared with cream cheese.  Though I did make a disturbing discovery that week with the tomato soup.  Did you know Campbell’s Tomato Soup has high-fructose corn syrup in it?  I try not to get on my high-horse about HFCS and hydrogenated oils too much, but they have been banned from our house, and I was very disappointed that I wasn’t going to be able to buy my very favorite tomato soup anymore.  Boo Campbells! 

Week #3 bread has been a bit of a drama.  On Friday I started a loaf of Whole Wheat Cinnamon Raisin Bread and was very excited to have it for breakfast on Sunday (one day for starting the bread, one day for baking, and eating the following day…).  On Saturday I killed my yeast by sticking the dough in the microwave to take the chill off before mixing the final dough.  I should have known better.  But I thought if I didn’t heat it over 138 degrees it would be fine.  But I think I killed all the little guys with radiation. 

So, yesterday I started again with my week #3 loaf of bread – making the same recipe since I was so excited about it.  The proportions seemed a little off because I wasn’t getting a cohesive dough, and it wouldn’t pass the “windowpane test” as it was supposed to, but I went with it as best I could and it finally decided to rise this afternoon.  The book says to let it rise for 45 to 60 minutes.  Mine rose about 2 1/2 hours, and my kitchen is pretty balmy.  So, it is finally rounded, shaped, and in the oven.  Mmmmm.  I can’t wait for cinnamon raisin toast tomorrow morning.  I really hope it is good.

Coming up: Week #4 – Power Bread (a 3-day process)

Yesterday was also my first day of the stimulation medications for IVF.  The needle is a little bigger on this one, though it is still subcutaneous.  I was nervous again, but it also was not bad at all.  No side effects yet, though I did yell at the AT&T guys after my phone was not working again.  They are sending me a new phone that I’ll have in a few days.  At least this time the agitation worked out for me.

Tomorrow is the first of the intramuscular shots.  With perfect timing, M will be in New Orleans for one night tomorrow, coming back on Thursday.  He did have the brilliant idea of having his friend who is a nurse give me the shot.  She already knew that we are doing IVF (seems like we are telling more and more people at this point…not sure if that is wise, but it just kind of comes up), and she agreed to do it for me.  So tomorrow evening I’ll pack up my needles and head to her place.  I am hoping that I am more worried about this one than I need to be too.   I might be able to do these on my own too eventually, but for now I am a little too freaked out by the big nasty needle to even think about sticking it my own ass.

One of the effects of the medicine is that my abdomen will probably start feeling pretty “full” and/or bloated.  It probably won’t be too comfortable to run.  So, I’ve been trying to get in as much running as possible.  However, my dermatologist told me no running until my stitches were out.  I have been blatantly disobeying the last two days.  Yesterday and today both I ran for an hour (6 1/2 miles), with no apparent ill effects on the stitches.  It’s not like its yoga where I am stretching all over the place and in danger of pulling them out.  The ones in my head couldn’t be pulled that way anyway.  So, until I feel like I can’t run because of the stimulation meds, I’ll keep trying to do so each day.  I haven’t lost any of the weight that I gained in the last part of culinary school, while not being able to devote much time to exercise and also being in the Baking and Pastry kitchen with all that sugar.  I had to buy some new pants.  Ugh.  I don’t like this.  If I was pregnant and needed new pants, that would be one thing.  But, that is not the case yet.

Ooh – time to get the bread.  Yum.

Eight Days Late for Resolutions January 8, 2008

I have never been a resolution-maker.  When I was younger I would make a resolution or two, but they never took.  So I gave up on that.  But there are some things that I would like to do this year, so I am going to make them my 2008 Goals (better late than never):

 1.  Bake a loaf of bread each week – I discovered last term how much I enjoy making and eating fresh bread, and that it really isn’t that hard to do.  With a Borders gift card that I got for Christmas I invetsted in Peter Rinehart’s Whole Grain Breads and I intend to make a loaf each week from that book for now and then maybe move on to other books.  This week I made a really yummy loaf of Multigrain Seeded Bread from Bob’s Red Mill Baking Book and have been having it for lunch.  What a treat.  And I find it really relaxing to make it too – all around a good thing that I want to do more of.  Next up: Whole Wheat Cinnamon Raisin Bread.

2.  Take photos of the food I make.  This can only help as I try to start my business.  And hopefully forcing myself to do it will help me get better at the styling part.

3.  Keep track of the foods I cook in my little black book.  Last year I started writing down things that I wanted to try to make or things that I had in restaurants that were really good.  This year I want to write down what I make – I am getting to the point where I can’t remember all the dishes anymore!  My last-year’s efforts fell off a bit since I got sick last summer, so I am going to start using the book again.

4.  Get some clients!  But not too many – I want a nice relaxing work/life balance especially at this point in my life with fertility treatments.

And in these goals I am not going to write “get pregnant”.  That’s a given, and I feel like it is fairly out of my control.  I will do everything I can for this first IVF cycle, and if that fails I will do everything I can with the second, and so on.  But we’ll just see what my body decides to do with all these drugs and whether it takes. 

Yesterday I had to go to the dermatologist to get two moles removed.  One was on my scalp and one on my side.  I had the somewhat shocking thought while I was laying on the table getting the numbing drugs shot into my head that I would rather be at the fertility doctor, legs spread, with that damn ultrasound wand doing what it does.  At lest that doesn’t hurt and make horrifying noises that you know is your skin and hair getting cut off your head.  Sorry, a little graphic, but it was terrible.  Today my head hurts and my side hurts and I am tired – I didn’t sleep very well last night since I couldn’t turn over but didn’t realize that when I was asleep until I woke up because I rolled over on my stitches.  Ugh.  I wish I didn’t have to do this every six months.  Damn fair skin and family history of melanoma.

Today the remainder of my IVF meds got ordered.  I’ll go pick them up at the pharmacy tomorrow.  Whereas I was sort of excited when the first ones were ordered, I am a little more apprehensive this time.  Lupron still isn’t affecting me – I might be having hot flashes, but I am so cold regularly that I think it is evening me out.  And I have been fine emotionally.  So we’ll see how the next medicines go.  I still don’t have my injection schedule, but I should have that this Friday when I go in for my next baseline ultrasound before starting the stimulation medications.  I am a little nervous because Mike is going to be gone for work one night next week when I’ll probably have to have a shot in my butt.  I am not sure if I am going to be able to do it myself.  I might have to enlist Laura.

I forgot to write about it at the time, what with my grandma’s funeral and then the holidays, but I did try acupuncture as my yoga lady had recommended.  I have heard that it doesn’t feel like needles, and I was nice and relaxed on the acupuncture table the day my grandma died, which also happened to be my last day at my grantwriting job since I headed right home for the funeral.  Then the lady stuck me with a needle – and let me tell you, it felt like a damn needle.  Especially the one she stuck behind my knee.  It hurt.  The other ones weren’t as bad, but they were definitely needles.  After they were in they didn’t bother me, and I was so nice and warm and relaxed and a little fuzzy-headed when I left.  But ultimately I decided that there are enough needles involved in this process and I don’t need to pay $100 per week to have someone stick me with more of them. 

As for yoga, I have been going to see this woman one-on-one for yoga for fertility.  I was pretty diligent about it at first.  But sometimes I just want to sit down and watch TV after a long day, or make a loaf of bread, or something other than yoga.  She says I should be doing it every day if possible (though I can’t now with three stitches in my head and eight (!) in my side).  It hasn’t happened.  It is supposed to relax me, but I don’t feel too stressed now that I am not going into that office every day.  I generally feel like I have time to do what I need to do without being stressed.  However, I have found myself with a clenched jaw a lot.  Maybe I do need to relax more.  Every time I notice it, I relax my jaw… but it does happen a lot lately.

So, Mike is probably leaving work soon, and I’ll go start making dinner.  Tonight for dinner: Indian Chickpeas, Curried Cabbage and Brown Rice.  Yum.

Irresponsible November 29, 2007

Irresponsible is not a word that is often used to describe me.  I don’t actually think that I was irresponsible yesterday, either.  But, it does seem somewhat irresponsible to give two weeks (plus two days) notice at a job that pays well and doesn’t demand outrageous amounts of my time when you don’t have a job or any discernable source of income lined up.  Which is exactly what I did.

It did make me giddily happy yesterday to know that I would be quitting in a matter of hours and I (at this point) only have about 7.5 more days in the office, what with “working” from home and office Christmas parties that I declined and dermatologist appointments and hopefully leaving early on my last day.  60 hours and counting. 

I did think to myself – “What the FUCK am I doing?!”  But fortunately M. was available by phone to once again give me a pep talk and remind me that I/we did not spend so much money on this year of Culinary School so that I could stay in my office job that I hate.  Also he told me that if it comes to be February and I don’t have any clients yet, I might be freaking out, but he won’t be.  What a good, supportive husband. 

A lot of my mental issue with quitting my job is about feeling guilty for not going out and making the bacon.  Erm, bringing home the bacon.  Especially with all of the IVF/acupuncture/business-start-up expenses.  But, I am practicing taking a deep breath and accepting that it is okay if I am cash-negative (one of M.’s favorite terms for me during school) for a little while.  It won’t always be the case, we can afford it, and in the end I will be building a career that I will love.  Big picture, Stephanie, look at the Big Picture. 

We went to Michigan for the weekend after Thanksgiving so that I could visit my grandma who had a stroke and is in the hospital.  She is 90.   In some ways, she is still my Grandma P – still uses out of date words like “vehicle” when asking how we got to the hospital and laughs her Grandma P laugh.  But the Alzheimers is destroying her brain.  It was so hard to see.  I last saw her around her 90th birthday in April when she was obviously having trouble, and a lot of it, but could still live in her little apartment with some assistance.  Now she is getting 24-hour care and forgets things as soon as you say them. 

The one bright spot of the visit was after we had been there a while and my grandma asked who M. was.  My dad explained again that I was her granddaughter and M. was my husband.  When she heard I was her granddaughter she perked up momentarily and managed to get out of her stroke-addled mouth “hello, granddaughter!” and a little wave across the room.   I can still hear that same voice when we’d arrive at her house “hello Steffie!” – one of only two people in the world I would allow to call me Steffie.  I went and held her hand and told her about when we used to spend time at her house during the summer and go camping in their motorhome.  She sadly said that she didn’t remember any of that.  It was truly heartbreaking.

In a lot of ways my grandma is really lucky – she has three sons and three daughters-in-law who take really good care of her and are so patient with answering all of her questions.  She has good care where she is living.  A couple months ago I would have been totally focused on what would become of me in her situation if I am not able to have kids.  I am feeling a little more optimistic at the moment, though.  I think we’ll do it one way or the other.  I just hope that our struggle on that front comes to a quick end.  Maybe in January/February if we are extra-lucky.  If not, we’ll keep plugging away, and at least I won’t have to be coming into this office – instead I can spend all day reading cookbooks or cooking in the kitchen – things that I will enjoy doing – and hopefully get paid by someone to do it!

Energized November 5, 2007

Yesterday was a momentus day in my life.  I cooked for money for the first time.  My friend had asked me to cook for her family for her 3-month-old son’s baptism.  She told me that they would like a meat-and-potatoes sort of dinner because that is what her dad and her grandma would like and I thought about the menu for a while, tested some potroast recipes and ultimately gave her the choice of three main dishes: sutffed flank steak, pot roast with onions, carrots and dried plums, or pork tenderloin with peach-bourbon sauce.  She chose the pork tenderloin.

Saturday I went out and shopped for the ingredients, at the same time doing my own grocery shopping.  Never having done this before, I didn’t know how much the ingredients would be, and they were less than I thought.  I looked at the recipes and decided that I would have enough time at their place (arrive at 10:30 am, lunch at 2:00) to cook everything except the roasted beets, so I roasted those while I was making our Saturday dinner.  Then Sunday morning I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep, so I got up at 6:45 am, did yoga, and then showered and packed up all my stuff for cooking.

I had plenty of time, took my time roasting the potatoes and making the slaw and was having a ton of fun listening to music, cooking in their nice kitchen with the gas stove (mine is electric and not very good) and lots of counter space.  They arrived home a little earlier than expected, but I think lunch was on the table within 20 minutes of them getting home, and her husband spent some of that time getting drinks organized – so I think the timing worked out just fine.  Then I put out the spread:

Green salad with beets, peppers, and truffle cheese with ginger vinagrette

Apple Slaw

Spice Rubbed Pork Tenderloin with Peach-Bourbon Sauce

Roasted Broccoli

Twice Baked Potatoes with Pine Nuts and Olive Oil

It was a HUGE success.  Everyone loved the food, and there were many second helpings and clean plates.  I could not have been happier about how it turned out.  My friend’s brother-in-law said “The only thing I can say is, I am sorry you are already married”.  Then we had cake that they got from a great bakery in Chicago and they opened the baby’s presents and everyone had to head home to Michigan. 

I told them the price that I had worked out, which was groceries plus a modest fee for my time, since this was a great learning experience for me and I am not exactly a professional caterer yet.   They wrote me a check for more than double what I had asked for.  It is probably in line with what they would have paid for professional catering in this area, but I was totally stunned.  I protested, but they said that they had already discussed it and decided that is what they were going to pay me.  I am so grateful for this tremedous experience and the generous compensation.  I am going to reinvest my profit into incorporating my business, getting liability insurance and all of the other businessy things that I have to do in order to get started.  This won’t cover all of that, of course.  But it is a start.  I was so energized last night about starting my business and doing this full time.  It really was exactly what I want to do.  I realize that not all clients are going to be as easy or great as my friend, but even so, cooking all day is what I want to do!