It only took me about a week to feel back to normal physically after this cycle. Once I was able to start running again I didn’t feel so bloated and fat. I am not sure if I actually gained weight with this cycle, but I did feel like my belly was expanding. And obviously not in the good way. But I am encouraged by the fact that I feel more normal so quickly since after our next cycle we’ll be headed to Mike’s big industry conference pretty soon after – and I don’t want to be feeling fat and bloated (if I am not pregnant – if I am I don’t care about that.) and trying to fit into cute dresses for fancy dinners. And I hate feeling like that. I definitely stress-eat during (and after) IVF cycles and this one was no exception. It is hard to get back to my normal eating habits and not keep sticking my hand in the chocolate jar. (It doesn’t help that so many people gave us sweets at Christmas that we are still slowly working our way through them.)
We have an appointment tomorrow to talk to our doctor about our next steps. My assumption has been that we’ll do another cycle in April. Finances and Mike’s work schedule pretty much dictate waiting until then. We’ll (hopefully) have Mike’s bonus by then and he has a ton of travel scheduled for February and March. So April it is. I am not looking forward to it. I asked Mike if he thought we would be better off using our money for adoption and skipping IVF from here on out. We agreed at the time that we wanted to do IVF again, but I keep wondering what we should do. On which path would I have the least regrets in the future? I suspect that if we give up on IVF I would really regret it down the line. It’s a few more weeks of stress and discomfort for the potential of another little Max. I know I can handle it, I just don’t know if I want to. It is so much money (though Mike tells me not to think about the money and that it doesn’t matter) to end up with nothing. At least at the end of the adoption process we could be fairly confident that we will end up with a baby. I know that adoption is a whole nother can of worms with its own heartache and frustrations and waiting game. I know how much IVF sucks though too. We don’t necessarily have to stop at two more rounds, which had been our original plan. But I don’t know how many more times I can do this before giving up. It is hard physically, and harder still emotionally and I do worry about what I am doing to my body – am I going to get cancer later in life from all these hormones I am injecting? Seems like the more rounds we do the more damage I could do to my body.
It has been way easier to accept the failure this time. At least I have Max to cuddle and hug. I want a bigger family and I think we will get there one way or another – it just may take us longer than I want it to.
