It’s a boy! December 22, 2008

I’ve been meaning to drop by and post a little something, but seem to always get caught up in something – holiday baking, crying over accounting, putting away knives, or watching trashy TV (hey – got to do it while I still can!). 

Last week we had our 20 (ish) week ultrasound and found out that come May 15 give-or-take, we’ll have a little boy.  I guessed it before the ultrasound lady said it just from watching what was going on on the screen.  I had been a little testy because they kept us waiting for an hour, which meant that we were likely to miss our appointment with the midwife which was scheduled for the same afternoon, but that all went away as soon as we saw our little boy sucking on his thumb/fist and moving around in my belly.  It was so exciting, and Mike was thrilled to have been able to be there to see it.  It is amazing how much changes in 9 weeks.  I think the last ultrasound I had was at 10 or 11 weeks, and though the baby was somewhat recognizable as a tiny human, this time you could see the bones in the spine, his little nose, hands and feet.

I went to a prenatal yoga class a couple weeks ago  and then a “rookie moms” group that one of my friends has put together last weekend.  I feel so lucky to be able to do these things after how close we were to giving up on IVF and starting the adoption process.  This is an experience that I really wanted to be able to have in my lifetime, and I am so grateful (despite the sciatica and hemerroids and upcoming pain of hopefully-natural childbirth) that the fates have allowed me to experience it.  It is fun and exciting to watch my growing belly and to think about the little boy that will be joining us next year.  Now if only we could agree on ANYTHING in terms of names…

The ultimate cliche – pickle cravings December 5, 2008

Even before I found out that I was pregnant with this round of IVF I have been wanting pickles.  I never was a big pickle-eater before.  But, I think I have gone through about 5 jars of pickles in the last three months.  I had to buy another jar today.  I was cooking some chicken for a client that had a lot of vinegar in it and when I came back into the kitchen, all I wanted was pickles.  I always kind of thought that craving pickles thing was a joke, but it is no joke for me.  I just had a “snack” of about 10 of those little dill gherkins, and am planning on having at least that many more with my tomato soup and toast with cream cheese lunch.  Hello, sodium overload.

A couple weeks ago one of my friends here in Chicago announced that she is pregnant for the second time.  Thank God I got pregnant.  If I was done with IVF and just waiting and waiting and waiting still, having started the adoption process I think I would be in another tail spin by now.  Especially after last week when I (and she) found out that it is twins.  Despite my own pregnancy, I found myself jealous of her good fortune.  And the fact that she isn’t seeing it as good fortune (she is stressed about the finances and having a wild two year old AND twins to take care of) just adds to my ill feelings about it.  Really, I am happy for her, and I hope that she starts to come to terms with it and also be happy about it.  And I REALLY, REALLY hope that this jealousy and resentment is not with me to stay now whenever someone announces a pregnancy.  I thought I was done with that until this announcement – but apparently it isn’t out of my system yet.  I just can’t relate in any way to thinking that twins are a bad thing – to me that would have been the ultimate good thing.  But, certainly circumstances are different for me than they are for her.  It is hard for me to see her side of this after the last two-years-plus of struggles that Mike and I have gone through.

I’ve definitely come out of the first-trimester-exhaustion.  I haven’t been napping every day anymore – just once a week or so.  My belly is growing and my boobs are HUGE.  I had to go buy a couple new bras the other day.  I started out as a C and am now a DD.  And I am sure this is not the end of the growth spurt. 

My mom was in town for Thanksgiving last week.  I decided I needed to have a talk with her about not totally disregarding my wishes.  So I instigated the talk when we were discussing the changing table that she bought for me one week after I told her not to buy anything.  I explained that there were a couple instances like that, and that it made me really upset, and that I wasn’t telling her that to upset her, but to hopefully avoid situations like that in the future and so she is more aware.  When it was her turn to talk, she winced and changed the subject.  This from a woman who tried to give me advice about communication in my marraige.  ARGH.  Between her not discussing things and my dad totally avoiding conflict by leaving the room, it is amazing those two stayed married as long as they did. 

One of the things that I hope I do differently with my kid(s) is communication – I want them to think of me as a warm, loving person, not someone who is awkward and communicates in really wierd ways.  I want “I love you” to be a normal thing to say in our house, and not something that is said awkwardly at the end of one out of every 20 phone calls.  I want them to feel like they can talk to me and it isn’t a struggle to just have a conversation.  I want to be close to my children – when they are kids and when they are adults.  All of these things that I don’t have with my parents.  And I hope that they will have siblings – even better siblings that they get along with.  Most of the time I feel like an only child – having a brother that I don’t respect or like is worse, I think, than being an only child, but I get the loneliness of the only child.  There are no siblings that I can confide in or that will eventually help with decisions about our parents.  I wish that I had siblings with whom I had a close relationship like a lot of my friends, but that ship has certainly sailed.  I hope I can provide it for my kids at least instead.