Heartbeat (again) September 24, 2008

The days I have had ultrasounds so far have been the best days of this pregnancy.  I am reasurred for a couple days and then start getting nervous again.  Today was the best ultrasound yet.  I could actually SEE the 125 bpm heartbeat as a little flicker on the ultrasound screen.  It was so exciting and I didn’t really expect to be able to see it, so it was a great surprise.  I am almost 7 weeks now.  You can see the little embryo in the ultrasound picture that they gave me.  It has a shape even.  Before it was just a little speck, but each time it gets bigger and more identifiable.

As my doctor was making notes she was talking to herself: “lets see…6 weeks..125 bpm…we have viability…”  VIABILITY?  Oh my good god!  Obviously anything could still happen, but it is a viable pregnancy.  It’s in the right place, it is the right size, and the heartbeat is perfect. 

I felt pretty wiped out yesterday.  Also feeling pretty tired today and all I want to eat is junk.  I might go to the little diner place in back of our house and get myself a burrito for dinner.  I promise to drink a V8 too.  Since Mike is away tonight and tomorrow, I have a really hard time motivating myself to cook when it is just me, and eggs (my go-to Mike’s-away-dinner) don’t sound good…

Tired September 23, 2008

I am SO sleepy today.  I don’t think this is pregnancy-exhaustion.  I think it is I-only-got-6-plus-hours-of-sleep-last-night.  My eyes are dry and I really want to take a nap.  Too bad I have food in the oven that needs to be delivered early afternoon.  Last week I started going to a “sunrise” (aka 6 am) yoga class.  I really like it and want to stick with it, but that is going to mean going to bed a little earlier, I think.

The last few days I have been feeling very anxious about the pregnancy.  I am worried.  I have been on the losing side of the statistics with every other fertility race.  Why would I be on the winning side now?  20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I really really hope with every fiber of my being that this time I am allowed by the universe to be in the lucky 80%.  Next ultrasound is tomorrow.  Hopefully that will put my mind at ease for another few days.

Coming and Going September 22, 2008

All of my symptoms (except for the painful breasts) come and go on a daily basis.  Some days (Friday) I am very nauseous, some days (Saturday) I am totally fine, some days (Sunday) I am completely exhausted.  Right now I am feeling a little sick to my stomach, but I don’t know if it is because I took my prenatal vitamin with only a smoothie in my belly or if this is really morning sickness.  I am eating a bowl of cereal, so we’ll see if that settles the stomach…

Lots of work to do today, but I am not cooking for anyone.  Have to get myself prepared for the next couple of weeks and take the car in for an emissions test, etc. etc.  And book club tonight.

Last week I finally sucked up my bad attitude about Mike’s friend’s wife who is pregnant and sent them a congratulatory e-mail.  I regret it.  This is the message I got back:

Thanks so much for the well wishes…we are very excited.  You never expect it to take so long or so much effort, but I guess it just makes you more grateful and happy then you thought possible.  We are just so glad it finally happened!  Due date is Feb 25th, and it can’t get here soon enough!!

“So long” is a year less than us.  “So much effort” is one month of fertility drugs (maybe Clomid?  I don’t know).  Anyway, when I got this message I wanted to reach through the computer and strangle this woman, who I thought knew our story – at least her husband does.  I think I am going to have to continue to avoid her.

Nausea September 19, 2008

I’ve been feeling very brief pangs of nausea – not in the morning, really, though I know that “morning sickness” can happen any time of day.  Today lunch time could not come soon enough.  I was hungry at 10:30 for lunch (despite my 8 am big bowl of oatmeal) and by 11:15 I gave in and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (I never eat this!).  I sat and watched Project Runway while I took a break from my cooking and ate my lunch.  My hunger was bordering on nausea at “lunch” time and then this afternoon I’ve been feeling a bit nauseous too.  However, it could be the nasty food I am making for my client (a puree of canned salmon, white rice and artichoke hearts… among other nasty items) that I keep smelling. 

My mom called me this morning to ask if I wanted a dresser/buffet that her neighbor is selling at a yardsale.  She thought it would make a good changing table – with a lot of work.  This thing is in BAD shape, but she does have an eye for furniture that can be refinished… And it was free, so it sounded like she really wanted to take it and make a project of refinishing it for us.  I gave in, though I am a bit annoyed that she can’t restrain herself and not buy (or aquire) things before I get to the second trimester at least.  I told her that she better have a plan for it in case anything happens and I lose the pregnancy that does not involve me seeing it.  And I told her she had to promise not to buy anything else.  She did not promise.  She just said “I’ll take all the risk”.  Sure you will.  I have a feeling I am going to have to go to therapy specifically to figure out how to deal with my mother during the pregnancy and afterwards.  She already makes me totally crazy, and I just see it getting worse from here on out.  There’s no point in expecting her to change, so how I am going to deal with her without losing my mind entirely?

Based on my highly scientific calculations I think I am 6 weeks today (i.e. the embryo was created 4 weeks ago today).  They don’t give me a lot of specifics at my RE’s office – no number of weeks and days, no specific beta numbers, etc.  I guess maybe it is good – gives me fewer things to obsess about.  My inclination would to be to compare my numbers to whatever I can find on the internet.  I may be saving myself some valuable time and mental energy by just not knowing.

HB September 16, 2008

We have a heart beat!!!  It was 111 bpm this morning – which the doctor says is normal for this very early stage of gestation (about 5 1/2 weeks or so).  She said it is still really early, but everything looks good. 

A lot of our early excitement has worn off already and has given way to worry.  But, this is another good sign.  I made myself a promise that I won’t buy anything, including yarn for knitting projects for this little bean, until 12 weeks, but I also thought that I might buy a pregnancy book after I saw the heartbeat – thinking that it would probably be next week.  So, maybe after I cook today I’ll stop by Borders with the coupon I just got in my email.

A New Kind of Limbo September 11, 2008

Questions:

1.  If you told your daughter that you and her brother would be arriving at her house “around 4 pm” on a given day for an overnight visit, don’t you think you would call her WAY prior to 4 pm if your plans changed (early that morning) and you had to make another waaay-out-of-the-way stop and you would be arriving more than two hours later than expected?  Perhaps she planned her entire day around making sure she would be home by 4 pm and didn’t go to the gym because she thought you would be arriving at 4 pm.

2.  If you were the proud owner of a fancy GPS system in your car that tells you how to get places, do you think you should plug it in and use it when you are driving around unfamiliar places and trying to get to your daughter’s home?  Perhaps this would replace the phone call – “We are on Touhy headed east.  How do we get to your house from here?”  AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH.  Even if you don’t want to “become dependent on it”  THIS IS WHAT IT WAS INVENTED FOR, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

3.  If you and your sister don’t really get along very well, do you think it is a  brilliant plan to wear a totally inappropriate t-shirt (at the ripe old age of 29) showing a stick figure lifting his leg and passing gas with the slogan “Free Gas” on it when you arrive for a visit?  My brother’s clear answer: YES!

Oh how I love (hmm, maybe love isn’t the right word) my totally disfunctional family.  Fortunately I get a break from my disfunctional family and go straight to Mike’s disfunctional family for the whole weekend.  Family photo time!!! How exciting.  At least my brother and my mom won’t be there.

I am starting to feel like I am in a whole ‘nother level of limbo now.  I am pregnant.  I have been pregnant for 1 week.  The doctor isn’t ready to call it viable, and my mom is asking me if I am hoping for a boy or a girl.  (Question #4: Are you fucking serious?  Do you think I give one shit if it is a boy or a girl after all the drama to have a baby at all??)  We’ve told some people, but won’t tell the whole world until after the first trimester.  Who knows – it is way too early to tell if this little speck is going to stick around.  We’ve passed a huge hurdle, but there are always more and more hurdles.  It feels like last fall again – every time I would go to the doctor (with my illness) I would think that when I came out I would have answers, we would have a plan, I would know what the status of my health was.  But, I never got the answers I thought I was going to.  The most “plan” we had was the next doctor’s appointment.

Now here I am a year later.  Thank God this last round of IVF worked.  But that’s not the end of the story.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that next May I am going to have a perfect little red-headed-asian baby.  I hope that’s what that means, but I have to wait another whole seven weeks before anyone is ready to breathe again and let me believe that more than a little. ( Except for my mom who was ready to go baby shopping today.  Question #5: how are you so convinced that everything is going to be fine?  Is it because everything has gone so smoothly for us the last two years with health and fertility matters?)  Seven weeks is a fucking long time.

Spot September 9, 2008

At 9 am this morning we saw the “spot” on the ultrasound.  It’s in the right place, it is the right size, and that’s about all they can say right now.  The doctor reminded me that they can’t say anything about the viability of the pregnancy at this point.  That makes me worry a little more, but what can I do but wait?  I guess we take it week-by-week now.  They didn’t tell me anything about going forward except that I should stay on the medications I am on now and not change anything.  So, I will try to be patient and keep my mind off all the “what if’s” – good and bad.  My next appointment is next Tuesday to check on the spot’s progress.

It hasn’t even been a week yet since I found out it worked.  It feels like forever ago – probably a product of how much mental energy I have spent over the last several days thinking about it.

I’ve already looked at maternity clothes online, browsed the baby section at Target, looked at the pregnancy books at Borders and bought myself a copy of Fit Pregnancy magazine, figured out my due date (5/15/09) with an on-line calculator, and thought about baby names. 

Time to head to the gym.  Mike gave me a swimming lesson on Sunday, and now I am excited to do some swimming.  I am going to aim for a half hour today (even though just a few weeks ago I was running an hour at a stretch).  It was a hard workout on Sunday!

Who knew September 8, 2008

I had no idea that increased thirst was a symptom of early pregnancy, but ever since last Thursday I have been parched.  I wake up in the middle of the night and have to drink a whole glass of water before going back to sleep.  The only other symptom I have so far is sore breasts.  I am also really sleepy, but I think that’s because I am not sleeping - I wake up in the middle of the night with a song in my head (last night it was a Queen song from Wayne’s World - very strange) and can’t get back to sleep because my mind is racing and I have a stupid song stuck in my head.  No morning sickness yet – maybe it is still too early.

It seems like FOREVER until the end of October when we’ll be out of the first trimester and have a little more comfort with this.  We are both nervous about what could still happen, but are cautiously optimistic and can still hardly believe it is real.  It’s funny because the 2ww actually went by really quickly this time, and then the last few days have gone so slow.  Waiting for the first ultrasound tomorrow and more information about our next steps has been a challenge.  How will I ever wait until May??!

Today I cooked – I got started a little late and then was distracted with everything under the sun, so it took a long time.  Hopefully I’ll get back to normal soon so that my work doesn’t continue to take twice as long (well, not quite that bad) as it should.  Maybe after I get a good night’s sleep it will be better too.

Yesterday I joined a gym up here by our house.  They have a pool, and I think that during this pregnancy I want to try to swim and do yoga as much as possible, both to keep in shape and feel like I am doing something healthy and also to provide as good a chance as possible for the easiest delivery possible (yes, I know it won’t be “easy” but maybe exercising will make it “easier”).  Mike gave me a swimming lesson, which was really helpful.  I was going to get up and go to sunrise yoga this morning, but then after I was awake from 3 am to 5 am, it didn’t sound like such a good idea to get up at 5:30 and head off to yoga.  Another day.

Food is cooked and ready to deliver, kitchen floor is mopped, invoice is printed out, and now I have to go put away my laundry that has been piling up for a couple weeks before heading to the bank, for food delivery, and to buy some swimming goggles.

Shock and Awe September 4, 2008

This morning I started letting myself believe that maybe this round of IVF worked.  By breasts got less sore over the weekend, and then were sore again (was it in my head?).  That was the only “symptom” I had.  But I didn’t want to get my hopes up, because I really didn’t think it was going to work and I didn’t want to get too excited.  Cooking for my client was a great distraction today – the day actually went by pretty fast. 

The doctor’s office called me around 3:45 or so with the first good news I have gotten.  They said that they knew on Tuesday that I was pregnant and they wanted to tell me so bad when I was there this morning.  But they held it until they got the results today, and they said that for the number of days we are post-transfer the numbers look really good.  They all wanted to talk to me - even the embryologist.  They were all so excited too, which was really great.  They are like my friends now since I have spent SO much time up there in the past year. 

Anyway, ever the pragmatist, Mike told me not to get too excited.  But then called back to tell me, so that there isn’t any confusion, that he is really excited and thrilled too. 

I had totally lost hope with this round, so now it is hard to beleive it actually worked.  I could not be happier. 

Next Tuesday we’ll go back to the doctor and be able to see the sack but not a heartbeat – still too early for that.  We are nowhere close to being out of the woods, but at least it is one huge step in the right direction.

Beta #1 September 2, 2008

I recovered from my Saturday meltdown, and my first beta test was this morning.  It took the nurse (who I think is generally great) two stabs and some digging around to get to my vein.  Yikes.  They don’t call with results of this one – it is just the baseline.  My breasts are getting less sore, just like last time… so that doesn’t seem to be good news.  In 48 hours we’ll know the results, and my money is on the likelihood that I will have opened a bottle of wine and consumed (at least) half of it by this time Thursday.  I like my wine.

The registration form for the adoption agency is filled out and sealed in an addressed envelope sitting on my desk.  I bet it will be in the mailbox across the street Friday morning.  In some ways I am excited about pursuing adoption.  But it also makes me a little sad, because that is not originally how I wanted to build a family, and it will definitely take more than 9 months to be complete.  I just feel like I have been waiting so long already.

But, this two week wait has been easier than the others, I think because I really have had very little hope that it will work – very little expectation of possible success.  And I am not looking forward to the emotional low that will come with a negative result – so I am not wishing every second for Thursday to get here sooner.  I am not obsessing that much about will-it-work, won’t-it-work.  I just don’t believe it will.  I am not going to test before I get my results from the RE. 

I am cooking both tomorrow and Thursday.  Hopefully I’ll get the call after I have already left my client’s house, because she (and maybe her inlaws) will be there when I am cooking…