Meltdown August 30, 2008

I am too fucking fat to fit into any of my clothes because I can’t stop eating junk.

Mike’s friend’s horrible, materialistic, totally non-maternal wife got pregnant after one cycle on “hormone therapy” and I can’t get pregnant with IVF. 

I just cried hysterically and screamed at Mike on the phone because of the above.

He’s headed to the bar after being gone all morning at his fantasy football draft with the guys – they are going to the bar to watch a game.  The game starts in five fucking hours.  Are you kidding me?

I had to wash all the fucking dishes from having people over from dinner last night since we left them in the sink and he was gone when I got home from running three hours of errands. (We don’t have a dishwasher.)

I hate my life right now.  I doubt I am going to like it any more next Thursday.

 

Edited to add: At least one thing is better – Mike came home for an hour or so to cuddle on the couch and comfort me and talk.  So at least I am not irritated with him on top of everything else.

Twiddling my thumbs August 28, 2008

Hum dee hum… Still a week to go before we know the results… Still a week to go until the next possibly-the-worst-day-of-my-life.  I have actually been doing a great job of staying upbeat (though not necessarily optimistic) and keeping my mind off of it, I think thanks in large part to my visitors.  They left this afternoon. 

Much work to be done tomorrow, though, so that should help.  Then a three-day weekend with Mike (mostly with Mike - we have separate plans most of Saturday…) and then cooking all of next week.  Including the day we find out, the day after that, and the day after that.  Could be interesting.  Fortunately for me, my job doesn’t require a whole lot of interaction with other people.

Neat August 27, 2008

My boobs are REALLY sore this time.  I think it started almost as soon as I started the progesterone this time, so I am not reading anything into it.  I don’t remember when they got sore last time, but this seems a little earlier maybe…

My stepmom and my aunt are visiting right now.  They got in yesterday afternoon and are leaving tomorrow afternoon.  I wasn’t sure about the timing of this visit, but since I cancelled all my clients this week, it has actually been a great distraction.  I haven’t been doing the bed-rest thing, but I haven’t been carrying/lifting things or doing anything else strenuous – just walking around the city a bit and driving them around.

Today my aunt declared “I just think it would be so neat if you had twins.”  Yeah, me too lady.  No effing joke.  Actually I don’t think it would be neat, I think it would be an answer to my every prayer (umm, not that I pray).  It would be a total miracle.  It would be the best thing that could possibly happen in these circumstances.  It would mean absolute, spinning-in-circles-in-a-sunny-green-field joy. 

 

No pressure little embryos.

Done August 25, 2008

Well, all four lovely little embryos survived the weekend in the petri dish (is that even where they spend the weekend?).  We transferred all four “not super fantastic” embryos this morning.  I asked what exactly that meant – I guess they grade on a 5-point scale and all four of them were in the 3-range.  So, no great shakes.  But my favorite nurse told me that the lab wouldn’t have recommended transferring them if they didn’t think there was a chance they could make it.  And they were all HLAG positive, meaning that they are all producing the protein needed for implantation.  So that is one question-mark off the table as to why we have not had success yet.  Leaves a lot more though – just one possibility for failure isn’t the culprit.

I think my RE is pretty great, and I trust her, but MAN, she is not gentle with the speculum!  This was the most uncomfortable/painful transfer yet.  She isn’t gentle with the ultrasound wand either, but this was way worse than normal.  She said the embryos are in the exact right place, though, so please little embryos: find a comfy spot, and settle in!

Now for the longest two weeks (really 11 days) of the cycle – nothing to do except take my progesterone suppositories and prenatal vitamins, and wait.  I cancelled all my clients this week, so I can just relax.  At least the physically painful part of the cycle is over.  No more shots, IVs, dildo cams, or specula.  Just two blood draws.  I have a huge bruise on my belly from the shots, another huge bruise on my hand from the IV from retrieval, both of my hips are outrageously sore from the PIO shots, and I feel FAT FAT FAT.  I am ready for all of these things to be gone from my life. 

I think I am done with IVF.  If this round works, I will be over the moon and I promise not to complain about feeling fat anymore.  If it doesn’t work, we are planning on moving on to adoption quickly.  And I will start thinking about another marathon (and maybe qualifying for Boston).  Partly to lose the weight that I gained since we started this process in January and party as a way to prove that I do have control over my body in some way.  Just in the endurance athletics field, not in the reproductive field.  Either way, we are going to take a break from IVF for a while – I am not sure if I will ever come back to it, though we are leaving that option open for the time being. 

In many ways this has been the worst year of my life.  It has certainly been the most depressing, expensive (excluding education), painful (physically and otherwise) rollercoaster I have ever been on.  Yes, there have been good things that have happened this year – my business most especially- but infertility and the drama of IVF overshadows all of it.  It is the determining factor in my life, and I have zero control and no idea how any of this is going to turn out.  All of our decisions – do we buy a place?  where do we buy?  when do we buy?  can we get a dog? where will we go on vacation next year? will we even be able to go on vacation next year? are tied into this totally unkown and unknowable factor that 90% of the population does have control over and many of them take for granted.

I wish I could just take a nap and wake up on September 4, but only if the result is positive.  If not, I’d like to sleep off all the tears and hurt too.

Retrieval August 23, 2008

Retrieval went well yesterday.  They got 11 eggs, 8 were mature and we have 4 embryos up in the lab waiting to be transferred first thing (like 7 am first thing) Monday morning.  I am in pain again like the first round, but it isn’t horrible – the Tylenol with c.oedine is taking care of it.  We have one more embryo than either of the other rounds.  I hope they all keep growing…maybe we can transfer all four.

Just going to relax today, watch some olympics and possibly go to the farmers market as my one and only excursion.  I numbed myself up so good with ice yesterday with the first progesterone shot that I hardly felt it – hopefully we can keep that going for the now twice-a-day shots with the HUGE needle.

Think fertile thoughts!

Chilled Out August 18, 2008

I am feeling pretty chilled out about this cycle.  Way more so than IVF #1 or #2.  With #1 I was scouring the web for information – blogs, bulletin boards, you name it.  I was always looking at my injection schedule and it seemed to take forever to get through the cycle.  Everything was new.

With #2, the stress took a different form – worrying about what I was eating and drinking, doing kegel excercises constantly, acupuncture, massage, anything that would get us to that BFP.  That didn’t work either.

So, with #3, I am not doing any of that stuff (yoga, acupuncture, food stuff) and I am just going about my daily life.  Maybe it helps that I am working more consistently now, or that it is summer so I have more going on anyway, or who knows what.  Maybe I am just not anxious to get to that day two weeks or so from now when I get another BFN – I know how that feels and I am not looking forward to that downhill slide again.  And I am pretty sure it is coming.  I am almost at the end of my injections calendar (tomorrow is the last day, then I get more instructions tomorrow morning…) and it has gone by much more quickly this time.

Today I started filling out the adoption agency registration form.  Might as well have it ready to go.  When this doesn’t work, I plan to send it in to them the next day.  Might as well get started. 

I wonder if I am giving up on this process too soon.  Whether we should try donor eggs or another cycle or a different doctor or something else.  The process itself – the shots, the ultrasounds, the blood draws – hasn’t been horrible.  It’s just the mental energy and disappointment and waiting.  I don’t want to keep trying and trying – banging our heads on the wall – and end up 10 years from now still with no family.  At least if we move on to adoption we can be fairly certain that we will have a family, and maybe a complete one within that time frame.  We can always go back in a couple years and do another cycle if we are feeling up to it - I am only 31, so there is some time left for us.

Options August 7, 2008

Last night I went to an adoption information meeting.  Mike had a work thing that has been scheduled for months, so he didn’t go with me, but I went to gather information and see what I could find out.  They only have the meetings every couple of months, so I wanted to have the information that I need now so that if this round of IVF doesn’t work, we can move directly into adoption.  The less waiting time, the better for my mental health.  There was one woman there who was trying to adopt as a single woman, and other than that it was all couples.  I was glad that she was there so I didn’t feel awkward being the only singleton (though not really singleton) there.

Apparently it takes about 6 months to do the home study portion of the process and then the wait time after that depends on what country you choose, or whether you decide to do domestic adoption.  Right now I am open to any option, but I think Mike is most interested in adopting from Asia so that there would be some resemblance to him.  To me, China, with a wait time of about 3 years, is not a good option.  South Korea is, but the cost there is astronomical.  I still want to have three children - I don’t think we can shell out $40,000 in adoption and travel fees per child to adopt three children from Korea.  That amount of money is insane.

(Actually Mike just called and we discussed a little bit and he is not worried about the money aspect.  Just that I am patient and know that it might take a little longer to get to three kids when that kind of money is involved.  But, he thinks that three is still a good long term goal and moving forward with #1 can happen within the timeframe that I am thinking.  Thank God for wonderful husbands.)

Thinking about adoption and knowing that there are other options has helped the time move a little faster in this round of IVF.  I have little hope that it will really work, and am kind of just going through the motions.  Last time, I didn’t eat cold foods, I did meditation and yoga, no caffeine (not even decaf coffee) no alcohol at all, and on and on.  This time I just want the time to pass and for this to be over.  I am having decaf coffee, cold cereal for breakfast every morning, have not done yoga or meditated at all, and am having wine too – hardly cutting back at all until the transfer.  Of course I want more than anything for it to work, but all those deprivations and effort didn’t make a whit of difference last time, so why should I think they will this time?  I might as well have two glasses of wine with dinner.

Day 5 August 1, 2008

Day 5 of the Lupron shots for IVF#3 today.  My horoscope for the month says that I may be announcing pregnancy news soon, so here’s hoping.

I have had a productive day today, despite my lack of productivity last week and part of this week.  Monday and Wednesday I went to town, but yesterday, as you know, I wasn’t feeling it.  Today I got a late start cooking (on purpose, because it was a fairly light cooking day) and was still done and cleaned up by 11 am.  After that I was able to construct and schedule my next newsletter, update my accounting (a major time-suck and something that I have a mental block against), deal with e-mail, pick up my library book, water my plants, deliver the food, and now I am about to go for a run.  Have I mentioned that I love my job and being my own boss?

Tonight we are going out to dinner and then to see Cirque du Soleil – which I LOVE.  Mike is amazing and has gotten us first row seats each of the 3 times we have been (this is the 3rd).  I am getting very spoiled.  Tomorrow we are going to a soccer game – I have never been to a professional soccer game in the US – and Sunday we are doing dinner with Mike’s parents because they have some gift certificates to use.  We’ll also bike up to the Evanston Farmer’s Market tomorrow and bike to yoga Sunday morning. 

I have some good food planned for this week too – I am going to try to invent a Lemon Olive Oil Cookie (with my fancy lemon olive oil from a great oil store here in Chicago) as well as trying out other people’s recipes for Napa Cabbage Salad with Buttermilk Dressing, Eggplant Sticks and Zucchini Pancakes. 

Okay – better go get on the treadmill if I am going to stay on schedule here.  Have a good weekend everyone.