I had a good cry last night with Mike before he left this morning for Seattle and another good cry this morning with the psychologist that I’ve been seeing since IVF #1 didn’t work. I am just so scared of a bad result tomorrow that I’ve worked myself up a bit more than is really necessary.
But, I already think it didn’t work. If it did it will be an amazingly wonderful surprise tomorrow. I laid in bed this morning debating whether or not to do a HPT – finally decided not to. Maybe it’s still a little early and I wouldn’t trust it if it was negative. I’d be over the moon if it was positive, but I thought the chances of that were not great and the risk of being totally depressed all day weren’t worth it. Still feeling pretty down, but not totally non-functional.
Mike asked if there is anything he can do for me last night. I told him he could get me a dog. I was only half-joking. I’ve always been an animal person, and in my whole adult life have not been able to have a pet. We can’t have pets where we are right now either. But, he said that we could start looking for a place to buy if I want to. Which just made me feel bad because he lets me do whatever I want – go to culinary school ($$!), quit my semi-lucrative job for one where I am so far not making a damn thing, go to acupuncture and get massages every other week and generally spend all of our money without contributing anything at the moment and now I want him to buy me a house and get me a dog?! I feel so selfish and ungrateful (even though I am SO grateful, but it feels ungrateful to just be asking for more and more and more).
So I have work I should be doing this afternoon – getting myself organized for my two cook dates later this week and the two next week - and I am getting it done slowly but surely, but I am also procrastinating by looking at houses/condos on line. I found one that is conveniently about 3 blocks from one of my best friends in Chicago (and her husband who is Mike’s best friend from college) and in our modest price range and really cute and not in need of any work. I really want to go look at it. I don’t want to introduce additional stress into our lives, but how great would it be to live in that nice neighborhood with good schools (which hopefully eventually we’ll have to worry about) so close to our friends? I think it’s been on the market for a while, so I don’t think it is a HUGE rush, but now I am getting a little obsessed.
We’ll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe moving and getting a dog will become my new obsession for the next few months (it was on my mine a LOT after IVF #1 failed) and maybe, hopefully, I’ll have other things to think about. I’ll know in just over 24 hours…
Stephanie – Sorry you’re having such a tough time. I really hope tomorrow brings you good news.
Your husband sounds like a very sweet, kind man who only wants you to be happy.
You should go look at the house/condo… you never know how these things will work out and it will definitely help re-focus some of your energy.