My temperature May 28, 2008

I’ve been feeling a little funny in the lower-abdominal area all day.  Like my abdomen was a little swollen or something.  I didn’t think too much of it until I was at a meeting this evening and was really warm – totally unlike me.  And I am so tired too.  So, I started putting all this together and figuring I am getting another infection.  There is no sick-time from an employer now.  I would have to cancel and disappoint clients if I had to spend a week in the hospital and then two more weeks recouperating like last August.  It might even be worse than last time because I actually care about what I am doing now.  I was trying to read my body’s signs and figure out if I was going to have to make an emergency call to the doctor tomorrow, or, god forbid, head to the emergency room tonight.  Then I remembered that my temperature might tell me something about what is going on in there.  97.0.  Ah, perfectly normal.  Probably nothing to worry about.  But, wouldn’t that be the worst-case scenario?  (Well, I guess there could be worse, but that would be really bad.)  Maybe it was just warm in the room and I haven’t gotten enough sleep, and who knows what explains the abdominal issue…

Anyway, we have gone right back into our holding pattern before heading into IVF #3.  This is the last one that insurance will pay for, so we are hoping for better luck this time.  However, they aren’t really doing anything differently, so I am not really holding out a ton of hope that we’ll have a different result.  The doctor thinks that it is possible that I have an egg quality issue – possibly all the infections have damaged my eggs/ovaries – so they are going to do pre-implantation genetic testing to see if that is the case and if that will explain why the first two didn’t work.  Although insurance will pay for the meds and the IVF itself, we will be out of pocket for these tests to the tune of about $5k.  That will take a nice chunk out of the money we have set aside in case we do have to do IVF on our own… But at least if it shows that I have a genetic issue then we would know that our next step is to move on to donor eggs, or adoption.  At this point I lean towards donor eggs, but there is a lot to consider, not the least of which is that we have always joked about having red-headed japanese kids – and donor eggs could majorly disrupt that little fantasy.  I guess that is just a symptom of the real issue – of not being genetically related… but as usual this is about a thousand steps further than I need to be here at the end of May.

We’ll do IVF #3 in August – meaning starting the Lupron shots at the end of July.  Totally opposite from last time, that seems a little too quick.  Last time I couldn’t wait to try again – I needed something active to look forward to.  This time I just want off the roller coaster for a little while.  So we decided to wait one extra month (the soonest I would be able to cycle is July) to give me a little breathing room and also so that I don’t have the stress of whether or not I am going to get my period in time to do the next cycle.  Who knows – I could still have that if my body decides to be particularly uncooperative…

I thought for a little while that maybe we would wait until September or October, but our trip to New England, which I am looking forward to so much that I don’t want to change it to accommodate my preferred month for IVF, would conflict with either month for a cycle.  For the September cycle I would be in New England during the time I would have to have my beta tests – which we could work around, but I am not interested in being a total emotional disaster while I am supposed to be enjoying my vacation and my friend’s wedding.  And for the October cycle, we would be in Boston during the time when I would have to be having some monitoring visits.

August isn’t ideal either – that means that I won’t be able to have a glass of wine at the Outstanding in the Field dinner that we are going to for our anniversary, and which I have been looking forward to for months.  I’ll have to take all my drugs with me to a camping trip in Wisconsin – that should be interesting… and just generally – it’s summer in Chicago!  I should be enjoying the best months (the only months) to live in Chicago and not worrying about the shots and the bullshit that goes along with this.  But waiting until November seems a little far away, and also the doctor did not recommend it.  She said that I am still young, but it isn’t going to get any better, and I might as well get on with the next cycle sooner rather than later.  So, August it is. 

Until then, I will concentrate on my business.  I’ve been pretty inspired by a Ladies Who Launch group that I joined, which is proving to be a welcome distraction and hopefully really good for business too.  And I’ll enjoy the weather in Chicago (though not today with a high of 55 at the end of May!), and enjoy being able to run and enjoy the seasonal food and the farmers markets and generally having more flexibility and free time in my life than any of the past three summers.  Tomorrow is my “office” day – I have lots of things on my to-do list, including going to yoga and cooking dinner for friends who are coming over to watch the LOST season finale.  I am making Cajun Oven Fried Chicken, Roasted Potatoes and a Blueberry-Coconut Tart.  Can’t wait for that meal!  (I never thought I would say that about a meal involving potatoes, but I think my tastes may be changing – I have discovered a few ways of preparing potatoes that I actually enjoy.)

Results May 8, 2008

Just like last time, I was pretty sure it was the case that this was a failure even before they called me to give the official word.  This morning/last night I had two dreams that I took a HPT and it right away showed up positive.  So, I decided to go ahead and test this morning, and of course it was negative.   The blood test confirmed that this afternoon. 

I am not sure how much more of this I can take.  It’s not even the shots and the physical stuff so much as the up-and-down and mostly down of these cycles.  What I put into my body is totally obsessive – I think about it constantly, and it doesn’t make one fucking ounce of difference.  My body is a fucking joke.  Six embryos now have been transferred.  All the hard work is already done.  They’re fertilized, they’re hatched, all they have to do is implant and it doesn’t happen.  No wonder I wasn’t getting pregnant on my own.  Even if the sperm could get to the egg, they didn’t have a chance.

How many more times do we do this?  It’s like banging our heads on the wall. 

There aren’t words strong enough to express how much I hate this. 

Puppy May 7, 2008

I had a good cry last night with Mike before he left this morning for Seattle and another good cry this morning with the psychologist that I’ve been seeing since IVF #1 didn’t work.  I am just so scared of a bad result tomorrow that I’ve worked myself up a bit more than is really necessary.

But, I already think it didn’t work.  If it did it will be an amazingly wonderful surprise tomorrow.  I laid in bed this morning debating whether or not to do a HPT – finally decided not to.  Maybe it’s still a little early and I wouldn’t trust it if it was negative.  I’d be over the moon if it was positive, but I thought the chances of that were not great and the risk of being totally depressed all day weren’t worth it.  Still feeling pretty down, but not totally non-functional.

Mike asked if there is anything he can do for me last night.  I told him he could get me a dog.  I was only half-joking.  I’ve always been an animal person, and in my whole adult life have not been able to have a pet.  We can’t have pets where we are right now either.  But, he said that we could start looking for a place to buy if I want to.  Which just made me feel bad because he lets me do whatever I want – go to culinary school ($$!), quit my semi-lucrative job for one where I am so far not making a damn thing, go to acupuncture and get massages every other week and generally spend all of our money without contributing anything at the moment and now I want him to buy me a house and get me a dog?!  I feel so selfish and ungrateful (even though I am SO grateful, but it feels ungrateful to just be asking for more and more and more).

So I have work I should be doing this afternoon – getting myself organized for my two cook dates later this week and the two next week - and I am getting it done slowly but surely,  but I am also procrastinating by looking at houses/condos on line.  I found one that is conveniently about 3 blocks from one of my best friends in Chicago (and her husband who is Mike’s best friend from college) and in our modest price range and really cute and not in need of any work.  I really want to go look at it.  I don’t want to introduce additional stress into our lives, but how great would it be to live in that nice neighborhood with good schools (which hopefully eventually we’ll have to worry about) so close to our friends?  I think it’s been on the market for a while, so I don’t think it is a HUGE rush, but now I am getting a little obsessed.

We’ll see what happens tomorrow.  Maybe moving and getting a dog will become my new obsession for the next few months (it was on my mine a LOT after IVF #1 failed) and maybe, hopefully, I’ll have other things to think about.  I’ll know in just over 24 hours…

Don’t call list May 6, 2008

No more intestinal issues today.  My breasts are no longer sore.  I am feeling rather pessimistic. 

I was able to successfully distract myself most of the day today with friends, thankfully.  This morning was the first Beta test.  I asked them not to call me with the results – that I would wait until Thursday to find out what is going on since I know that they wouldn’t be surprised if the results from today were inconclusive.  Last time it was the Tuesday results that put me into a tailspin. 

The one nurse that I don’t think is that great tried to draw my blood this morning – after painfully mangling my vein she had to give up and I got a different nurse.  I kind of felt bad because I think she felt bad for hurting me, but when she offered to have someone else do it I had to take her up on it.  This is the third time she has drawn my blood and only one of those times was successful. 

Mike leaves tomorrow for Seattle.  Bad timing.  I am quite concerned how I am going to be doing Thursday evening if the news isn’t good.  And I have to pull it together enough to cook on Friday and Saturday.

I don’t want to wait 3+ more months to try again - I want it to work this time.  And if this doesn’t work, how many more times do we try this before moving on to adoption?  There’s no use thinking about it until Thursday - but I am thinking about it anyway… I am trying to trust my body, but it isn’t earning the trust back very quickly.

Tears May 5, 2008

Today while I was cooking I was listening to a radio program that was about death.  Three times in the course of 10 minutes, I thought I was going to sob.  My face crinkled up and I started crying, but I calmed down quickly.  It was hearing the tears in other people’s voices that did it to me.  Usually I can listen to things like that, and though I am affected by it, I don’t start crying too.  Hmmm.

AND, all afternoon I have been having some intestinal issues.  I just did a little google research, and it looks like diarrhea can be a sign of early pregnancy… Hmmm.

AND I just got an e-mail from a great friend who offered to cancel plans at the last minute with other friends this Thursday if I need to be with someone, since Mike will be away.  That made me start to cry too.  She’s such a good friend.

Anyway, I am hoping that these two strange things are a good sign for us.

Ooh – the timer just went off on our yummy roasted beets for this evening’s dinner.  We’re having Moroccan Lamb, Couscous with Mint and Almonds and Roasted Beets with Horseradish.  Yum.

Counting Down May 5, 2008

Three-ish days until we know the result of this cycle.  Yesterday I went to my final acupuncture appointment and today I am cooking for a client.  I am not cooking again until Friday.  The days have been going by a little faster than they were at the beginning, but still painfully slowly.  Mike asked me the other day whether this two weeks of waiting is worse or whether the daily shots are worse.  This is definitely the worst part of the cycle.  Waiting and thinking way too much about Thursday’s phone call that will either make me over-the-moon happy, or will devastate me again.

We went out to dinner last night to celebrate my 31st birthday (or, 29 for the 3rd time – I think I almost believe myself that I am still 29 since I keep saying it so much) to an amazing restaurant in Chicago called North Pond.  We had the chef’s tasting menu, which I love to do, and we had morel mushroom soup as well as a ramp sauce with our halibut cheeks.  I tried sweetbreads and halibut cheeks, neither of which I had ever had before, and everything was absolutely delicious.  The soup and the ravioli course were both a little over-salted for my taste, but other than that I had no complaints.  Mike is always very generous and thoughtful with his gifts.  This year he replaced my broken iPod for me (with his credit card points), and I thought that was going to be my whole gift.  But he also gave me tickets to a Jack Johnson concert in Wisconsin, so we’ll go away for the weekend in June.  He also wrote me the most thoughtful, heartfelt letter about how proud he is of me and how well I have dealt with this whole IVF thing and also opening my business.  I cried at the dinner table. 

So, ndanukiwi, you’re right - in a lot of ways I am really lucky and my 30th year was great – graduating from culinary school, leaving my painful office job, and starting my business.  It unfortunately gets a little overshadowed at some points (a lot of points…) in this IVF rollercoaster.  I am still struggling in a big way with seeing pregnant women all around me – I haven’t seen a pregnant woman and not felt intense jealousy in close to two years.  And living where I do in a big city I see a lot of pregnant women.  Yesterday alone I remember seeing at least 6.  The “why can’t it be me” thought comes unbidden and immediately.  And frequently. 

Tomorrow I go for the first “beta” test, but they said they won’t call with the results of this one.  I probably could do a home pregnancy test tomorrow or Wednesday or Thursday.  I have seen so many negative results on them, though, that I feel like maybe I should just wait and not psych myself out one way or the other.  Who knows – maybe the HCG is still in my system from the trigger shot.  A false positive would be the worst case scenario.  So, I’ll try to be patient until Thursday afternoon when the doctor’s office will call with news.  My Thursday shadowing plans got cancelled, so I am going to have to find a way to entertain myself during the day.  I did e-mail a friend to see if she wants to get lunch that day.  Hopefully it will work out. 

Theme change May 1, 2008

I had to change the theme, even though I liked the colors and the design of my old one – because there was no “archives” section.  Putting it into the theme that I had was WAY beyond my abilities, so I found a new one.  Now I can easily go back and see if I mentioned anything about my boobs three months ago.

Boobies May 1, 2008

Everyone’s favorite topic, right? 

My boobs are SORE!  I don’t remember if they were last time.  I don’t remember either way actually.  But this time they are very sore.  Must go back and see if I wrote anything about that in January/February.

I’ve been on a wild goose chase today trying to find our next book club book – The Book Thief.  The libraray didn’t have it, nor did two different Borders.  So, I had the library order it for me.  Hopefully I’ll get it with enough time to finish it before the first book club meeting. 

I tried to take a nap today too, but that didn’t work out so well, so now I am trying to get some things on the computer done, like e-mail newsletter #2, which has been on my to-do list for weeks.  Hopefully it will get out this afternoon, or at the very latest sometime tomorrow.  Also “update accounting” is on my list, but that is my way-least-favorite thing to do, so I have a feeling that will wait another day or two too.