I just had a day filled with pregnant women and babies. Following the weekend of pregnant women and babies. Then I looked at a food blog that I don’t read very often, but think I might have a use for with a potential new client who called me today and discovered that FOOD blooger writing about her blissful pregnancy. God damn it, can’t someone not be knocked up besides me?!
I attended a baby shower on Saturday for my friend who lives in another city. I even made her a cake. I thought it was going to be okay, because, really, I am happy for her and our other friend who was there who also happens to be pregnant. What I forgot though was that ALL of the other married women there also have had babies in the last year. So, all the discussion was about birthing and babies and water births and midwives and doulas and umbilical cords and I had zero to contribute to any of the conversations. Fun. And I want so badly to share this with all of them, and they are on the mommy train and I am still standing there on the platform while the train pulls away without me.
Then today I went to visit a friend who had a baby last week. Then I went and hung out with those same two pregnant friends (plus one of their 1 1/2 year-olds), and one non-pregnant friend with a 9-month old. By the time I got home I was feeling so down that I skipped my run in favor of working on my accounting.
I want to enjoy my friends’ company and spend time with them. But it is so hard when these things that I want so badly and are not coming easily, or at all so far, do come so easily for them. And not only are they dicsussing their pregnancies and babies (not obnoxiously so, it’s just the phase of life we are in) but they are disucssing everyone else they know who is pregnant – that’s the big news these days. We’ve passed the all-our-friends-are-getting-married stage and are now on to the all-our-friends-except-us-are-having-babies stage.
I’ve really been trying to stay positive, and I think I’ve been doing a very good job of it. But this weekend (plus today) was the pits as far as positivity is concerned. Also my dinner-party client over the weekend after a few glasses of wine asked if I was going to get pregnant and leave her too (as her last personal chef did). What am I supposed to say to that in the middle of an IVF cycle? I babbled about how I am in that age group, and I am married. I also explained that this career that I am starting appealed to me partly because it was something that I would be able to balance long-term with a family. I think she felt bad for asking me, as she should.
And now my mom is coming to visit. And Mike is in Denver until Wednesday. Usually he serves as a good buffer between the two of us. Argh. I hope I can keep my sniping to myself. Sometimes I am not too nice to my mom. She means well and has a good heart, but she and I are SO different and she drives me totally bonkers 90% of the time. I am hoping we can occupy ourselves for two full days of her visit. We’ll go shopping at an outlet mall tomorrow – that should take up most of a day. Then we’ll see about Wednesday.
Not that I need to be spending any more money. On my almost non-existant income, I have been spending outrageous amounts of money. Every-other-week massages, new clothes (because my old ones are too small), IVF fees, acupuncture starting in a couple weeks, gas for the car that I am now driving, etc. etc. etc. It all adds up so fast. Mike doesn’t seem to bee too concerned about it and when I asked if there was a budget I should be sticking to he told me just not to go overboard. It seems overboard to me already, but that is partly because in the past I would not have been able to afford most of these things and would have just done without. It is nice to now be able to buy things that I need/want and to be able to treat myself to massages and makeup and new clothes. But I also feel like I should be more frugal and try to be saving money for more rounds of IVF and/or the purchase of a house or condo. I woke up the other morning at 4:30 am and was awake for over an hour calculating 30% of our monthly income and how that corresponds to house costs and trying to think about whether I was going to have to work when and if we have a baby and deciding that yes, I was definitely going to have to work, and did I really want to do that and maybe I shouldn’t have quit my job and … on and on and on. My mind was racing until I was finally able to calm myself a little by telling myself that 4:30 am in early April 2008 was not the time to be worrying about any of this when I am not pregnant and we are not thinking about buying anything for about a year.
I just hope the rest of April goes quickly. Today is day 8 of the shots. I’ve been keeping very busy, so the time is passing without too much angst. The shots feel like old hat at this point. I know what I am doing, I mark it off on my calendar and I don’t worry too much about poking myself with the needle. I guess this round is a little easier so far since I know more or less what to expect. I know I said this last time and it was not true, but it just HAS to work this time. Intellectually I know that working hard (yoga, acupuncture, massage, no caffeine, no alcohol, all organic produce, lots of hot water with lemon and every other thing I am doing this time) isn’t necessarily going to change the outcome of this cycle, but at least I’ll know that I have done everything I could. And if it doesn’t work after all of that it will be that much more devastating. But what else can I do except wait and do meditation practices and anything else that anyone tells me increases the odds? It is so depressing…zero control over the most important thing in your life…
Maybe I better stop thinking about this and go make my sales tax payment.
Sounds like a rough week. Don’t be too down on yourself. All any of us want out of this life is a little happiness, and sometimes it’s the small things that count.