Obsession April 30, 2008

I am a woman obsessed.  Last night I had a piece of pie that Mike’s grandma made.  I know that she uses Crisco in her pie crust.  I have heard that hydrogenated oils are not good for fertility.  I have pretty much wiped these out of my diet anyway, but especially now I am trying not to consume any.  Halfway through eating my pie I realized what I was putting into my body.  I did not stop eating my pie.  I just started worrying about whether or not I should be.

I am not eating ice cream.  I am buying all organic dairy products and mostly organic produce.  I don’t eat hydrogenated oils.  I don’t drink ice water.  I eat (room temperature) pineapple every day.  I consume massive quantities of hot tea.  No alcohol (obviously), no caffeine (obviously).  It is like an eating disorder.  I am not totally obsessed yet - I’ll still eat out and in fact had a barbecue burger and tater tots last Saturday for dinner at a local bar.  This isn’t taking the form of a total health-kick – it is just focused on very specific things. 

If this round of IVF doesn’t work, I think it will be even more discouraging than the first – because of the food stuff, acupuncture, yoga, massage, etc.  It will prove that this is totally out of my control and that nothing I do makes a difference.

Deep breath.

I get totally wrapped up in thought processes like these about 700 times every day and have to pull myself out of them with a deep breath or twelve.  It’s just chatter.  It doesn’t help. 

Actually today was a little better in the chatter department.  Monday was the worst, yesterday still not great, but time seems to be moving a little faster today.  Hopefully this progression will continue.

Yesterday I cooked for my once-a-week client.  Today I cooked for my every-other-week-client.  Tomorrow I was supposed to be shadowing another Personal Chef, but I postponed it so that I could lay on the couch, do yoga and generally relax a little more and be off my feet.

After the last transfer in January, one of the nurses told me that there is no evidence that bed rest helps implantation rates.  She said to take it easy that day and then I could go back to my normal activities.  This time they didn’t specifically say anything about it, but told me to take it easy for the next two weeks and not do anything that I would beat myself up about later.  Now I wonder if I should not have been on my feet the last couple of days.  But, I can’t totally stop my life to deal with this and I think I would run the risk of losing these clients (or at least annoying them) if I abruptly cancelled their cook dates. 

Saturday is my birthday – I’ll be 31.  This is the hardest birthday yet, I think mostly because of the fact that I really thought I would be pregnant by now.  The clock is ticking… I know I am still young in the whole scheme of things, even in the whole scheme of assisted reproduction.  But, somehow I am still hanging on to hope that I’ll be able to have three kids, and unless all three of these embryos hang on (hang on three litte embryos!!!) that is looking less and less likely without some major financial burden and possible adoption… as usual getting a little ahead of myself. 

But, also, what is up with my friends!?  Mike has a bachelor party that night, so he won’t be with me on my birthday evening.  He is taking me out to a nice place on Sunday, so that is fine.  I bowed out of the corresponding bachelorette party (I am going to the shower in the afternoon, but made excuses for the evening portion) because I didn’t feel like fake-drinking, and it will be mostly people that I don’t know and quite likely mostly people who are very different (read: super made-up, perky fashionistas) from me and I am not sure how fun that will be.  In an effort to reduce stress I declined.  So I sent an e-mail to see if anyone wanted to go to dinner that night, and nothing worked out.  : (  Now I am planning my own Saturday night Pity Party.  Not really – I’ll try to stay upbeat.  I guess it is a good opportunity for me to rent a movie that I’ve been wanting to see and make myself something yummy for dinner (or order something out).  I’ll just have a nice relaxing evening in. 

Okay, it is time to go lay on the couch, watch Ellen and relax until it is time to get up and make dinner.  Maybe I’ll treat myself to some more chocolate too.  I’m all out of cookies, but I do have several chocolate bars left.

 

UPDATED – as soon as I hit “publish” one of my friends called to invite me to dinner with some friends on Saturday, and apparently another friend will be calling to invite me to a kite festival.  They were thinking that my birthday was the 5th rather than the 3rd and weren’t putting it together with Saturday.  Good friends.  So, now I have a couple of non-lonely options for Saturday night that will be enjoyable and low-stress.  Happy.  Maybe at the ripe old age of 31 I should not be so concerned with my own birthday, but it is nice to know that there are some people out there thinking of me.  : )

The Longest Days April 29, 2008

There are a lot of long days in the land of infertility.  Now that I have three embryos, once again, transferred to my hopefully-welcoming uterus, I expect the next 10 days to be the longest of the cycle.  The cycle itself did seem to go by faster this time – probably because I knew more or less what to expect.  But the passing of time seems to have come to a screeching halt, and the questioning and doubting thoughts are coming fast and furious.

I am trying to do some meditations and take deep breaths and realize that the negative thoughts are just chatter and are not helpful in any way.  I hope that I can keep this up for the next week and a half.

Unfortunately four of the seven embryos did not make it over the weekend, so they were able to transfer three yesterday and we didn’t end up with any to freeze.  So, internet, please plead with the universe on my behalf that this round of IVF will work.

Seven April 26, 2008

Egg retrieval went well yesterday.  They were able to get 14 eggs, four more than last time.  They called this morning at 9:30 (mercifully early in the day so I didn’t sit around agonizing about the result all day like last time) to tell us that 10 were mature and 7 fertilized.  Seven!  That’s four more than last time.  Maybe it was in the increase in drugs, maybe the acupuncture and yoga, maybe the only drinking hot beverages – maybe all in combination.  Anyway, it certainly isn’t the highest number I’ve heard, but at least this means that we are likely to be able to transfer at least three and have some to freeze too.  Part of me thinks “transfer them all – maybe one will stick”.  But obviously that’s awfully risky and I am sure they won’t do that.  Desperation will make you do funny things.  If they suggested it, I’d probably go along with it.

Tomorrow evening I’ll go for acupuncture prior to the transfer first thing Monday morning.  Then Monday after my appointment I’ll head down there for some more acupuncture.  I’ve been drinking the acupuncturist’s ”Ovulation Support” tea for the last two weeks, and they have an “Implantation” tea, so I will pick some of that up tomorrow too.  Somehow it feels a little like voodoo – sticking pins in your body and drinking magic concoctions.  But if it might help, I’ll do it. 

I’ve been spending a FORTUNE on myself (and fixing the car, etc.) lately.  So, $300 more in acupuncture, $12 more in tea, $75 more in massage and then I’ll know whether this round works, and maybe I can pare down the spending a little for at least a few months.  I know that if I am fortunate enough to get pregnant this time, there will be much more spending on the horizon for that, but at least it won’t be money going out the door for who-the-hell-knows-if-this-expensive-bullshit-works. 

Last time at this point, I felt very nervous and every time I thought about IVF working I would tell myself not to get excited and that it might not work.  This time I feel much more positive.  I am hopeful.  I will do everything I can to maximize our chances of this working and allow myself to think it might.  And try to keep the energy flowing by taking deep breaths, doing yoga, and some kegel exercises (recommended by my yogi friend).  Universe, PLEASE reward my positivity this time. 

Sleepy April 24, 2008

I guess this never got posted in April when I wrote it… so I am posting it now… Thank God things have changed since April.

 

Yesterday I was up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to go cook at my mother-in-law’s school for their Secretary’s Day Lunch.  I spent half the day before cooking and shopping and getting ready, so it was really like one full day of work – I was home by 1:45 in the afternoon and had time to get the house straightend up and cleaned a bit before I want to just lay around this weekend.  I didn’t have time to do yoga or go for a walk yesterday, but I did every other day this week, and hopefully I’ll have time to do yoga this afternoon and go for a walk tomorrow morning before retreival.

Then last night was my trigger shot – at 1:00 in the morning.  Of course, after you have a 1 1/2-inch needle stuck in your ass at one in the morning, it is hard to go back to sleep.  So, I am not running on a whole lot of sleep right now.  Once the light comes in and Mike is up and around in the morning, I have a hard time staying asleep, so I might as well get up and get on with my day. 

I discovered this morning that there is a tiny bit of the medicine left in the bottle from the trigger shot.  Hopefully that little bit won’t make a difference…

Today I am cooking for my mother-in-law, part 2 of her Christmas gift-certificate.  We’ll stay out there for dinner this evening and probably play a game or two.  By the time I get home to bed I’ll be ready to collapse I bet.  Maybe I can even sleep in.  I am not allowed anything to eat or drink before the retreival tomorrow, so the longer I can stay asleep the better.  Retrieval isn’t until 1:00 pm – that is a long time for me to go without food or water.  Last time I had to keep reminding myself as I sat thinking about what I wanted for breakfast, lunch, etc.

I am definitely feeling my ovaries more this time.  It isn’t pain or discomfort, just twinges that something is going on in there.  I am feeling it more on the left side, where the follicles were bigger according to Tuesday’s ultrasound.  But a little bit on the right hand side too.  Hopefully that’s a good sign. 

I have lots of trash TV on the DVR all stored up and waiting for this weekend.  It would be nice if I am not in so much pain this time, but I doubt that will be the case.  So I have made us some food to put in the fridge for the weekend and stocked up on TV shows that I want to watch and am planning on not leaving the couch very much until Sunday, when I anticipate feeling better.  If we go with a 3-day transfer like last time, that will happen sometime Monday.  I already postponed my Monday client until Tuesday and am cooking T

Nice April 21, 2008

I had a nice weekend in Michigan with my family and some old friends.  Friday I left after my monitoring ultrasound and drove to my dad’s house.  He and my stepmom live on the corner of 80 acres of woods, in the middle of nowhere – or at least it feels like the middle of nowhere.  They have racoons that come and eat out of your hand, four cute cats to pet, deer that come eat their plants, and walking trails through the woods.  I don’t think I could live there as an adult, but it is nice to escape the city briefly to the peacefulness at their house. 

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about my Friday shot – because I either had to have someone give me the shot in the butt or do it myself awkwardly or do it in the stomach, which hurts more.  I ended up telling them that I am in the middle of a cycle and asking my stepmom to do it, which she did without a problem – I think she was a little nervous, but she did fine and didn’t hurt me.  I haven’t really wanted to talk to them about it because I felt like they would always want to know what’s the next thing, and the next thing, and the next thing and I didn’t want to always be telling them everything.  But, they were good about it – asked a couple quetions and I told them that I would know something mid-May, so that gives me a little cushion after knowing what happens before they will be really wondering.

I forget how much I like road trips.  This is the first time in a long time that I have gone on a road trip by myself.  I got to drive the new car, which was fun.  But it was also just nice to have that quiet time by myself and be able to go where I wanted when I wanted to.  Freedom. 

I listened to the A New Earth web classes that Oprah and Eckhart Tolle have been conducting all the way home and all the way back (they’d been backing up on my iPod).  In some way I am a little embarrased that I am listening to them – they are pretty new-age-y, but I think what he says is really interesting too.  There is a lot of crossover between his teachings and principles of yoga and meditation – especially about being present in the moment, which I have found beneficial even just so far – and especially now as I am in the thick of this IVF cycle.  They are helping me realize/remember that no matter what happens with this cycle, I will be okay.  Sometimes that is hard to beleive, but I am working on it.  Rather than giving myself a pep-talk and telling myself that this time it is going to work, I am trying to just breathe and come back to the present moment – walking on the lakefront, doing yoga, cooking, whatever that might be.  The future is unknown and unknowable and it doesn’t help anything at all for all the chatter in my head to continue – whether it is worrying about whether it will work or trying to think of reasons that it will. 

Tomorrow I have another monitoring ultrasound and they measure my E2.  They will also schedule the egg retreival tomorrow.  My best guess is that it will be this Friday.  That means transfer either next Monday or Wednesday.  Time has passed faster this time – I think just because I have been busier with work and travel.  But the really mentally/emotionally-challenging part is yet to come as we wait to find out whether it worked and then deal with whatever that brings.  For now, I’ll just take a deep breath and go get ready to head over to book club – tonight we are discussing The Omnivore’s Dilemma – another book that changed the way I relate to the world. 

I (heart) Miami April 15, 2008

We’ve been here in Miami since Saturday for Mike’s conference.  What a treat to get out of the April snow in Chicago and into the 80+ degree weather here.  I sat out by the pool for a couple hours yesterday and soaked up the sun.  Not a good thing when you are as fair-skinned as me, but I wore my “liquid raincoat” SPF 50 sunscreen and didn’t get too burnt.

I have always really enjoyed these conferences – I get to stay in a fancy hotel, eat great food, and just relax.  And actually this hasn’t been too different.  But since I am not drinking during this IVF cycle I thought the first night of fake drinking was a little tough.  I didn’t want people here to think that I am pregnant, so decided it better appear that I am drinking.  There are some people here who wouldn’t be shy about making comments, especially after a few drinks themselves.

But, it got easier the second night and last night, so not too bad.  I do wish that I could have a glass of the very nice wine that everyone is ordering, but I guess there’s plenty of time for that at future events.

There is one couple here who we haven’t seen in almost three years and who offered their support to Mike after I was sick this summer since they went through IVF too 9 years ago.  We had dinner with them and two other couples last night.  I managed to sit next to the wife of the couple, because I really did want to talk about it.  I read people’s blogs and I did participate in some bulletin boards during the first round of IVF, but I don’t know anyone in real life who has gone through IVF.  So, I think I caught her off guard near the end of dinner when I brought it up quietly.  We were disussing going out to dinner the following night just the four of us, and I told her that I would love that because I would love to talk to them about IVF.  We started talking a little bit about their experience, and she told me their basic story and was sympathizing with me – telling me that “these are long days”.  She is right.  I started to cry at dinner – not a good thing… But got it under control quickly.  If it had just been us, I might have lost it and started sobbing – it was really welling up.  But, we changed the subject and entered the conversation across the table quickly.  I don’t know if other people noticed or not… oh well – nothing I can do now…

And last night was the first stimulation shot.  It was fine – feels like old hat now I guess.  In one week I have my second monitoring ultrasound and E2 levels.  So I should know that day when retreival will be.  I am going on the assumption that it will be about the same, so probably a week from Friday.

One more full day here in Miami.  Yesterday I went to the spa for a massage and my first ever facial.  I love the spa.  I don’t know what else is on the agenda for today.  Maybe a nice long walk on the boardwalk and some time in the gym.  We have been eating a LOT of rich food this trip.  I think I’ll head down now and go get some oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. 

Assuming that I can take the time away from my business, I’ll get to go on another one of these trips in September to Park City, UT.  I am so lucky that I get to tag along on these trips!

The side effects start April 10, 2008

Just like last time I have gotten the Lupron headache.  It started on-and-off on Tuesday when my mom and I went up to the outlet mall to go shopping.  I thought I was maybe a little dehydrated.  But it came back yesterday and today it feels like it isn’t going to go away.  I also woke up twice in the middle of the night absolutely drenched in sweat.

Maybe it was also partly the stress of my mom’s visit… I was doing fine the first day.  I was very patient when she had to look at every item of clothing in every store we went into for close to 7 hours.  But yesterday she started driving me up a wall, as usual.  She mis-hears, mis-understands and just doesn’t get half the things you say to her, and then looks at you like you’re crazy when she is the one with the problem.  Now I have the house back to myself though, so that is good. 

I am off to the dentist in a few minutes - where I tend to break out in hives.  And then this afternoon  I have a meeting with a new, temporary, client which might be a little stressful too.  I think she is going to be kind of a difficult client…very picky with “food restrictions” that are mostly in her head and always trying to get something for nothing – this is what I understand from her current personal chef. 

But, then, tomorrow I have an ultrasound scheduled in the morning and then after that hopefully everything will be smooth sailing – a massage and manicure/pedicure before our trip to Miami which should be mostly just relaxing for me.  Just have to get through one more 24-hour period before things are looking better stress-level-wise.  Hopefully my headache will go away, but I think it might be here to stay for a few days based on my experience with the last cycle.

I can’t escape it April 7, 2008

I just had a day filled with pregnant women and babies.  Following the weekend of pregnant women and babies.  Then I looked at a food blog that I don’t read very often, but think I might have a use for with a potential new client who called me today and discovered that FOOD blooger writing about her blissful pregnancy.  God damn it, can’t someone not be knocked up besides me?!

I attended a baby shower on Saturday for my friend who lives in another city.  I even made her a cake.  I thought it was going to be okay, because, really, I am happy for her and our other friend who was there who also happens to be pregnant.  What I forgot though was that ALL of the other married women there also have had babies in the last year.  So, all the discussion was about birthing and babies and water births and midwives and doulas and umbilical cords and I had zero to contribute to any of the conversations.  Fun.  And I want so badly to share this with all of them, and they are on the mommy train and I am still standing there on the platform while the train pulls away without me.

Then today I went to visit a friend who had a baby last week.  Then I went and hung out with those same two pregnant friends (plus one of their 1 1/2 year-olds), and one non-pregnant friend with a 9-month old.  By the time I got home I was feeling so down that I skipped my run in favor of working on my accounting. 

I want to enjoy my friends’ company and spend time with them.  But it is so hard when these things that I want so badly and are not coming easily, or at all so far, do come so easily for them.  And not only are they dicsussing their pregnancies and babies (not obnoxiously so, it’s just the phase of life we are in) but they are disucssing everyone else they know who is pregnant – that’s the big news these days.  We’ve passed the all-our-friends-are-getting-married stage and are now on to the all-our-friends-except-us-are-having-babies stage. 

I’ve really been trying to stay positive, and I think I’ve been doing a very good job of it.  But this weekend (plus today) was the pits as far as positivity is concerned.  Also my dinner-party client over the weekend after a few glasses of wine asked if I was going to get pregnant and leave her too (as her last personal chef did).  What am I supposed to say to that in the middle of an IVF cycle?  I babbled about how I am in that age group, and I am married.  I also explained that this career that I am starting appealed to me partly because it was something that I would be able to balance long-term with a family.  I think she felt bad for asking me, as she should.

And now my mom is coming to visit.  And Mike is in Denver until Wednesday.  Usually he serves as a good buffer between the two of us.  Argh.  I hope I can keep my sniping to myself.  Sometimes I am not too nice to my mom.  She means well and has a good heart, but she and I are SO different and she drives me totally bonkers 90% of the time.  I am hoping we can occupy ourselves for two full days of her visit.  We’ll go shopping at an outlet mall tomorrow – that should take up most of a day.  Then we’ll see about Wednesday.

Not that I need to be spending any more money.  On my almost non-existant income, I have been spending outrageous amounts of money.  Every-other-week massages, new clothes (because my old ones are too small), IVF fees, acupuncture starting in a couple weeks, gas for the car that I am now driving, etc. etc. etc.  It all adds up so fast.  Mike doesn’t seem to bee too concerned about it and when I asked if there was a budget I should be sticking to he told me just not to go overboard.  It seems overboard to me already, but that is partly because in the past I would not have been able to afford most of these things and would have just done without.  It is nice to now be able to buy things that I need/want and to be able to treat myself to massages and makeup and new clothes.  But I also feel like I should be more frugal and try to be saving money for more rounds of IVF and/or the purchase of a house or condo.  I woke up the other morning at 4:30 am and was awake for over an hour calculating 30% of our monthly income and how that corresponds to house costs and trying to think about whether I was going to have to work when and if we have a baby and deciding that yes, I was definitely going to have to work, and did I really want to do that and maybe I shouldn’t have quit my job and … on and on and on.  My mind was racing until I was finally able to calm myself a little by telling myself that 4:30 am in early April 2008 was not the time to be worrying about any of this when I am not pregnant and we are not thinking about buying anything for about a year.

I just hope the rest of April goes quickly.  Today is day 8 of the shots.  I’ve been keeping very busy, so the time is passing without too much angst.  The shots feel like old hat at this point.  I know what I am doing, I mark it off on my calendar and I don’t worry too much about poking myself with the needle.  I guess this round is a little easier so far since I know more or less what to expect.  I know I said this last time and it was not true, but it just HAS to work this time.  Intellectually I know that working hard (yoga, acupuncture, massage, no caffeine, no alcohol, all organic produce, lots of hot water with lemon and every other thing I am doing this time) isn’t necessarily going to change the outcome of this cycle, but at least I’ll know that I have done everything I could.  And if it doesn’t work after all of that it will be that much more devastating.  But what else can I do except wait and do meditation practices and anything else that anyone tells me increases the odds?  It is so depressing…zero control over the most important thing in your life…

Maybe I better stop thinking about this and go make my sales tax payment.