Here we go March 31, 2008

IVF #2 is underway.  I gave myself my first Lupron shot this morning.  Two weeks of one shot per day, and then stimulation.  It feels a little less scary this time since I know what to expect from the needles and procedures.  I am also trying to have a better outlook this time – I keep telling myself that this time it is going to work.  I am pleased to be able to do something active again in the pursuit of having a baby.  But it still feels like waiting in a lot of ways.  It’s not like I am pushing a baby out into the world…

My grant work is also wrapping up and will be done this week.  It hasn’t been too painful – I just seem to procrastinate a lot more on the computer when I am supposed to be doing that work instead of work for my own business.  But, the job that I thought was going to take me two days looks like it will only take one and I will be done with the majority of the work (other than printing and copying) by the end of the day today.

Fortunately that should give me some additional time to prepare for my gig this coming weekend.  After making a leg of lamb last night I am a little nervous about doing this 20-person dinner party by myself.  I am mostly concerned about everything being warm at the same time and being able to get everything out when they want it.  I think it is do-able, it will just take some good planning and skillful lamb carving.  Last night I was kind of hacking it all up.  I’ll have to be a little more suave about it. 

But, my gigs this past weekend (one regular cookdate and one party) were a total success.  Both clients have told me how great everything was, so I am really pleased, and I also have some checks to deposit which is also really exciting. 

April will be a busy month, which will be great with keeping my mind off the treatment somewhat.  This week I am engrossed in finishing up the grant and my dinner party, next week my mom is coming to visit (which could be good or bad…), the following week we go to Miami for 5 days, after that I am going to Michigan for a weekend, and then we are almost at retreival and transfer.  Hopefully a positive test result will be here before I know it.  My psychologist tells me it is my turn and that it is going to work this time.  I hope she is right and the universe agrees with her.

6 Weeks March 25, 2008

If my previous IVF cycle schedule holds true for this one (retreival and transfer on the same days of the cycle) then I am exactly 6 weeks away from the Beta #1.  Mike will leave the following day for Seattle.  Why is he always traveling right at the time we are finding out?  I don’t think he’ll be able to get out of this trip if we have another bad result.  But, we’re not going to have a bad result, right!?  Right.  Body, are you listening?  Please cooperate this time.  I’ll be really nice to you in return.  Massages at least every other week,y oga, meditation, yummy unprocessed foods and no alcohol.  Please, what more do you want?!

That New Car Smell March 25, 2008

Yesterday we bought a brand-new car with 17 miles on it.  I have never been the owner (not that I am the technical owner, or even the primary driver) of a brand-spanking new car.   And it was FUN to drive home last night.  We got all the bells and whistles – leather heated seats (important when you live in the perpetual-winter that is Chicago), sunroof, navigation system, XM radio.  Fun, fun, fun.  Mike is communting with it, but I am excited to drive it around this weekend.  I cleaned out our old car, which is becoming my car, this morning so that it really feels like mine.  I took three big bags of crap out of the trunk and the car – for some reason it was very cluttered.  Now it is nice and neat but in need of a major vacuuming and washing.  Maybe tomorrow.  I haven’t had my own car in 5 years, so it is going to be nice to have that freedom again.  I think I will take advantage of it and make a trip to Michigan to visit a friend in a few weeks.

Finally last Friday I buckled down and got a lot of the work done on the grant.  So now I am in pretty good shape.  I got some more work done today (while also procrastinating on Facebook – which I thought I was too old for, but what fun it turns out to be, reconnecting with high-school friends and roommates of long ago) and will do more after lunch.  But, I am pretty confident that it will come together without too much stress by next Wednesday/Thursday when I must have it done.

And in IVF land, I am counting the days until I start Lupron shots again – a week from yesterday.  I am ready to go and just waiting for the green light.  I have my baseline ultrasound this Thursday before starting the Lupron.  Deep breath.  Positive thoughts.  Maybe that will become my mantra. 

Procrastination March 21, 2008

I am sitting here in Pan.era trying to get some work done on this grant that I am supposed to be writing, but I don’t feel like doing it… Unfortunately the due date is coming up quickly and I still have a lot of work to do.  I am out in the suburbs where Mike works because we are going to his parents’ house for dinner tonight since his family from Michigan is visiting.  I don’t mind working out here – actually it can be a nice change of pace.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get lots of work done.

Last night I went to a “Fertility Cleanse” seminar at the offices of an organization that provides all kinds of wholistic-healing approaches to fertility.  I thought I would go there and get a list of foods that I should and should not be eating that I could use for the next round of IVF.  Instead it was a scare-tactic meeting, all about all of these things in the environment and in the food system that can negatively impact your fertility.  Their answer to this is to do a two- to three-week medically supervised “cleanse” which I am sure costs a pretty penny.  They gave us some other ideas of things that are safe to do during a cycle (i.e. hot water with lemon) but mostly they were touting the $2 per dose vitamins and cleansing services they provide. 

They also suggested that you should rid your diet of coffee, artificial sweeteners, anything processed, hydrogenated oils and non-organic produce and dairy.  These things I can probably do – in fact a lot of them I have done already. 

This seminar epitomized something that I have come to really resent in the fertility industry.  Everyone wants you to beleive that they have the magic pill that will help you get pregnant – whether it is the acupunturist, the yogi, the nutritionist, the relaxation specialist, the vitamin seller.  They all tell these anecdotal stories about the woman they know who had been trying to conceive for years and years and they finally did the cleanse (acupuncture, vitamins, yoga, etc.) and *poof* they got pregnant the first month.  I am sure this does happen, but I am also pretty sure it is the exception rather than the rule, but they all want to get your hopes up so that you will buy their ridiculously expensive vitamins or whatever else they are selling.  They are preying on the desperation that so many of us feel in this process.  And in my experience they also give you a guilt trip if you balk at the time or financial commitment.  My (former) acupuncturist for example – says you have to go once a week during a cycle to get the benefit and when I balked at that amount of money that would total up to she suggested that I was using money as an excuse not to do it.  When I said last night that I had tried acupuncture and didn’t like it and also found it expensive, the teacher said that you only have to do it right before and right after transfer and that if it hurt I didn’t have a good acupuncturist… It is impossible to know who or what to beleive – and they all want your money.

I guess I am feeling pretty cynical about this whole thing at the moment.  But, I think for the coming cycle I am going to give up alcohol (starting two days ago – though not drinking during Mike’s conference in Miami that I am going to is going to be tough), try to eat only organic produce and dairy, and get massages weekly or every other week – because it makes me feel good and it is also less expensive than acupuncture.  (And I won’t feel guilty about it with the money I am now bringing in from the grant and from my cooking business.)  I am going to stick with my Whole Foods vitamins  and not the super expensive ones and maybe I will look into acupuncture right before and right after transfer with this organization whose offices I went to last night.  If this cycle doesn’t work, I think I will look into the cleanse – at least to find out how much it would cost me.  I think it might be therapeutic to have something active to concentrate on doing after this cycle if it doesn’t work.  So, I’ll do a few things differently and hope really hard for a different result this time.  They have also changed my dosage for the medications, so hopefully all these things together will give me a better result. 

11th hour March 14, 2008

I guess I have been MIA for a while.  It’s not so exciting when all you are doing is waiting for the next round of IVF with nothing productive to do on that front.  I was just waiting and waiting to get my period so that I could schedule day 3 labs and all the various ultrasounds and everything.  And wouldn’t ‘cha know – my body once again looked like it was going to give me a hearty “f- you” when my period was a week late.  They told me at the clinic that if I didn’t get it by the weekend we would have to push the IVF cycle off to May. 

This was distressing news to me as that means that we wouldn’t have a result until early June and that seems like a billion years away, especially with as cold as it has been here in Chicago.  I also am leaving for Arizona for a much needed four-day-vacation on Sunday, which means that even if I got it over the weekend I would be screwed because I wouldn’t be in town to have the 3-day labs done.  Apparently I could go to a hospital and have the blood drawn in Arizona, but who wants to do that when they are trying to relax and escape the drama that is IVF for just a few days?? 

So, miraculously yesterday afternoon I got my period a half-hour before my doctor’s office closed.  It had just bareley started and then I called the doctors office to tell them.  Then I went running and the whole time was questioning whether I had imagined it and whether I was still going to be on the May IVF schedule.  But, I didn’t imagine it, and that meant I was able to schedule my day-3 labs for today (even though it is only day 2, but they said it didn’t matter) and most likely proceed with the April IVF.  I am very happy to be back to this schedule.  I was a crying mess last Friday when they told me that we would have to put it off a month if my period didn’t come – I just knew it was going to be late…

So, in theory shots will start again on March 31 with retreival and transfer at the end of April.  I did get all my medicines in the mail the other day, so I am ready to start when I get the word. 

In business news, I am rolling right along with two confirmed regular clients (and two more in the pipeline) and several catering events (well, 2, plus one that I am assisting with) coming up.  For having been in business 2 1/2 months, I’d say that’s pretty damn good.  My website is also live as of last week and it is beautiful and super-professional looking thanks to Mike’s family friend who is a great graphic designer.  I sent out an “I’m open for business!” e-mail to everyone I know and my favorite chef from school asked me to come speak to his class.  I was very nervous, not being much of a public speaker, but also very flattered.  I went on Wednesday this week, and they asked good questions and apparently enjoyed it.  My friend who is in the class (the best cooking-station-partner EVER) e-mailed me to tell me that the girl sitting next to her said that I had inspired her.  Ego boost for me.

Lots to do tomorrow – cleaning, running, laundry and packing – before heading to Arizona at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am (pick-up time for my ride to the airport) on Sunday.  I am so looking forward to some great food, relaxation (complete with a massage on Tuesday even though I got one today too… man am I spoiled), hiking and even a little spring training baseball.