Blech February 16, 2008

I’ve come down with a nasty cold over the past few days.  Maybe 40 minutes on the stair climber yesterday wasn’t a good idea… I think this weekend is going to be spent mostly on the couch trying to make my head not explode from pressure.

We went back to the doctor this week to find out what our next steps are for IVF.  She wants to run a DNA test on Mike’s <ahem> sample to see if there are any issues there that would explain why more eggs did not fertilize.  Then they will increase my stimulation medications in hopes of getting more mature eggs this time around.  Sounds like a good plan – maybe because it is the only plan we have… So, we are preparing for another cycle this April.  That doesn’t seem to be too far away at this point – I’ll start birth control pills in a couple weeks and the Lupron will start at the beginning of April.  We will still be able to go on our trip to Miami for Mike’s work – I’ll be on drugs, but won’t need to have any appointments while we are gone.  It will be interesting to travel with all of those meds and syringes.  I guess I’ll have to get a note from the doctor.

I did decide to take the grantwriting job – in the end I don’t think the project is going to be that painful, and being able to do it from the comfort of my own home sounds like a good way to do it.  And I couldn’t turn down the money.  It would cover almost 1/4 the cost of a round of IVF or be a good addition to a down payment on a house – maybe in the next year or year and a half, we are thinking – or help with any number of other things like buying me cute clothes (without feeling guilty) for our trip to Miami. 

So, just biding my time I guess until April.  In the meantime, waiting for my website and hopefully getting started soon, and this grantwriting gig, will keep me busy enough that the days won’t drag on and on. 

Lost Week February 7, 2008

This has been pretty much a lost week.  I have done almost nothing productive at all.  Waiting for results was taking all my energy, and I was trying to keep busy, but with fun stuff like going out to lunch with my girlfriends and going shopping.  My website is still under construction, so there isn’t really that much for me to be doing, which turned out to be good, I guess.

Tuesday I had my first “beta” to see if the embryos were implanting.  The results were negative.  They told me that it was still early, and that it could still work.  But I knew it was over then.  Today’s bloodwork confirmed that.  I was pretty upset on Tuesday and asked Mike to stay home from his business trip this week.  Actually, he offered to stay home (again) and I took him up on it.  I felt bad about it (especially since this would have been a really fun trip for him), but I wanted him here.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to fill 24 hours a day with him gone.  I am glad I did ask him not to go.  I would have been alone last night and tonight, and that would have been even more depressing.

So, round #1 was a failure.  We are extremely fortunate that we didn’t have to pay out of pocket for this, and that we still have two attempts left with our insurance.  But, this puts a wrench in my plans to have three kids… I guess I’ll be lucky to have one, which is a hard thing to reconcile.  How do you get rid of the vision you have for your life and revise it?  This is not what I was expecting at all.  I wonder how many rounds of IVF it would take for me to have three children.  Maybe many more than we could afford.  Adoption is always an option, though we are not there yet.  But, I have been shocked to discover exactly how expensive it is, and that it really isn’t a sure thing at all.  There are so many families out there waiting for babies or children to be placed with them. 

I also have a (non-cooking) contract job that I am struggling with.  I feel incapable of making a decision of whether to take it.  It is not work that I would enjoy (it is work like I was doing previously, just working from home on one particular project), but it would provide me with a nice chunk of change, which could go towards a new sofa, a vacation, down payment on the car we’re going to have to buy, part of an IVF cycle if we get that far… I still feel guilty being home and not making any money (yet) and though we don’t need the money, I would feel better bringing something in. What to do, what to do?

For now I think I’ll go knit my red scarf and drink my Bailey’s until Mike gets home and then we’ll go out to a nice French place for a pick-us-up dinner.  Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have the energy and motivation to do some cleaning around here and make a decision on the job front.  And, ooh, I can go running.  It would be a nice perk if I could lose the weight I gained before the next round of IVF wreaks havoc with my system again.  That would probably involve not eating quite as much sugar as I have been the last few months.  We’ll see how easy that change is to make.

More Thoughts on Waiting February 3, 2008

Mike and I are trying hard not to let infertility rule our lives.  We intend to still have fun and see our friends and enjoy life even though this really sucks.  And that has been helpful in passing the time since August when it was decided that we were not going to be able to get pregnant on our own. 

Last week and this week are like a heightened version of waiting though.  The embryos are in, but are they still alive now?  Are they dividing?  Have they implanted?  There’s no way to know until Thursday.  With 50/50 odds, I am really not allowing myself to beleive that it is going to work.  I start thinking that it might, and immediately I tell myself not to get my hopes up.

So, last week I kept pretty busy and this week I have some stuff planned too.  When I am grocery shopping and cooking my mind is occupied.  Sometimes it is with other activities too.  When I realize that I haven’t been obsessing about how many days there are between now and Thursday for an hour or two due to some distraction, I am very happy to have killed that time. 

It’s the same concept as the last five months – I don’t want this to rule my life – but a totally different scale.  Make-it-or-break-it this time. 

Today I had an event for my new business (which also really helped in the keeping-my-mind-off-it department).  A high-school acquantance hired me to cook brunch for 15-20 people at their home (including 5 others from our class who I hadn’t seen since graduation 13 years ago.  Christ, I am old).  It was a huge success – everyone raved about the food and I was super pleased by how everything turned out.  And I got paid – it’s nice to have a little bit of income!  I am still waiting for my website, but hopefully that will be up soon so that I can get some more clients and get cooking!

Waiting February 1, 2008

I’ve been trying to keep busy this week, but my mind is never far from “will this work???”  Our first blood test is next Tuesday (four days in the way between now and then), but they expect that test to probably not be conclusive.  So the real test will be Thursday.  I am not even thinking that I will know anything until Thursday, so that is the day I have set my sights on – T-minus 6 days.

Tuesday I got a bunch of stuff done around the house and for my business.  Wednesday I spent the whole day cooking 5 meals with sides for my in-laws (a trial run of my Personal Chef business that was helpful for both of us).  I think that was the most successful day of keeping my mind off things.  Yesterday I had breakfast with a friend, came home and got some stuff done, had lunch with Mike who got home early from a buisness trip and then went to my same friend’s house to watch LOST last night.  LOST, how I love thee.

Today I have a haircut scheduled and a manicure this afternoon with still the same friend (she has been a godsend in helping me distract myself) and dinner tonight with some of Mike’s work people.  Seafood.  Yum.

I haven’t been sleeping well – I wake up every couple of hours, totally aware of what day it is and how many more days there are until next Thursday.  I even had a dream about my fertility doctor last night.  In it she was also a dentist, but leaving her dental practice to focus on reproductive medicine.  Her partner offered me a job as a secretary and I was offended.  Bizarre.

I vascillate wildly between being optimistic – I know that there are people out there that this does work for on the first time – and being pessimistic – I don’t want to get my hopes up at this point, and why would we be so lucky?  I try not to think about “what if this does work” because it very well may not. 

Mike is going to be away for “work” – i.e. a skiing trip with some buddies from work – next week Wednesday to Friday.  He did offer last night to cancel the trip so that he is home when we find out one way or the other.  But I told him to go ahead.  It will suck if it is bad news and he isn’t here, but I’ll manage. 

My dad may or may not be staying with me that night because he will be in town for the Chicago Auto Show.  I am definitely not close with my dad in the way that I could talk to him about this.  In fact, I flat out lied the other night when my stepmom asked me if we had started or thought about starting IVF yet (and they were both on the phone).  Wow.  That could be an interesting night if we get bad news.

So, I’ll take a deep breath, tell myself again that I won’t know today and I won’t know tomorrow and the best I can do is keep myself busy and then I’ll go get in the shower and off to do some work…