They’re in January 28, 2008

As of 8:30 this morning I have three lovely embryos (I even have a pretty picture) trying to make a home in my uterus.  The doctor said that transfer couldn’t have gone better.  We ended up transferring all three that fertilized properly since apparently the risk of triplets is pretty low.  When transferring three embryos on day 3, overall success rates are about 50%.  Of that 50%, 20% will be twins and 2% triplets.  So, it is a reasonably small risk… At least we know that with 50% odds, hopefully with the three tries we get from our insurance, we should have success at some point.   For once those odds seem to be with us.

Obviously I spoke a little too soon about this process being not too painful.  If I have to do it again, I will.  But, man, I don’t want to.  The progesterone shots have made my hip/butt so sore too – but I don’t have to do those anymore.  I did my last one this morning, to Mike’s relief and mine.

I’ve spent today relaxing and napping and watching TV.  I think I am going to straighten up the house a little bit and then watch some more TV.  They told me there is no need for bed rest, but to take it easy.  So Mike and I will get some takeout tonight and lay around on the couch.  Tomorrow I think I’ll be up to doing some work and making dinner. 

Yee-owch January 26, 2008

Well, this pain has taken me by surpise!  Yesterday after my egg retreival I was feeling good, and we went out to dinner with no issues.  We stayed up until after 1 am because I had napped during the day and we wanted to wait until pretty late to do my progesterone shot (with a big honkin’ needle).  Then I got caught up in knitting a hat for myself, and the next thing I knew it was 1:15.  (And I have to go to the knitting store tomorrow to get more yarn since I finished the hat and most of the scarf today, but ran out of yarn…)

Then I woke up at 5:20 with menstrual-cramp-like pain which turned out to be from the ER.  By 6:20 I decided I wasn’t getting back to sleep and got up to take some extra strength Tylenol.  That did NOTHING.  So I went over to the drug store (30 minutes before it opened – oops) to fill my Tylenol with Codine prescription.  And I have been laying on the couch with a hot-pad on my abdomen the rest of the day.  The Tylenol is only taking the edge off the pain – I hope the pain goes away before I run out of my drugs.  Yikes.

So, they called at noon to tell us that they were able to introduce sperm into 6 of the eggs (via ICSI) and that only 3 fertilized “normally”.  I was really hoping, and expecting, a much higher number than that.  We were only planning on transferring two, so it doesn’t throw a wrench into our plans, but I was hoping that we would have more embryos to freeze for insurance.  I am kind of disappointed.  But, what can I do?  Just hope that the three that we do have are great quality and decide to stick…

I was a little testy with Mike today.  I don’t know if it was the pain or the Progesterone shots (I have heard rumors of “progesterone rage”) or everything in combination.  He kept asking me “are you okay?”.  Every five minutes it seemed like he was asking me that.  I answered patiently “yes, I’ll be fine” for a while, but then I got sick of it.  No, I wasn’t fine – I was in a LOT of pain, I am so tired from only sleeping 3 1/2 hours last night and I am disappointed by the results.  Fortunately he didn’t react to my snippiness.  The last thing we need is to get into an argument right now. 

I know that he was getting nervous (as was I!) about possible infection.  They have me on antibiotics, and they gave me some in my IV yesterday too, but with my history of hospital visits, I definitely don’t want any more PID in my life.  It is a similar pain, but I have no fever, so I am in the clear for now.  I just have to remember tomorrow not to take my antibiotic along with my vitamin because the calcium apparently hinders the absorption of the antibiotic.  Oops.

One more full day before the little embryos get transferred back to my body.  Please, God, let this work.

I think the next two weeks might be the hardest of this whole process – not knowing if it is going to work… All I can do is try to keep busy.  I have a paying gig for my new business next weekend, so that will keep my mind off of the IVF result somewhat and I am trying to plan lots of other things (haircut, manicure, breakfast with my friend and her 1 1/2-year old, etc.) to keep me busy.  Especially since Mike will be away Wednesday and Thursday on business.  Some days when he is gone I don’t see another living soul.  Actually, it doesn’t bother me usually, but I need to stay out of my head as much as possible over the next couple of weeks!  And I think interacting with other people is a good step in that direction.

Okay – Blockbuster then the couch and some more tea are calling me.  Hopefully this pain will go away and I’ll be good as new tomorrow…

Eggs January 25, 2008

Well, all indications are that egg retrieval was a success.  The process was not bad (and they give you good drugs for it), though I was starting to get nervous when they made a huge deal about the necessity of being on time for our appointment, because everything was timed very precisely then they kept me waiting for a half an hour.  But, looks like I needn’t have worried.  They got 10 eggs! 

Now we wait until tomorrow and try to send healthy, happy vibes 8 miles north of our house and hope that those little guys all fertilize successfully and keep thriving.  We only really need two for this round of IVF, but it would be nice to be able to freeze some for future use in case this doesn’t work.  Tomorrow we’ll find out how many did fertilize and how many are looking good and when they want to schedule the transfer for.  Mike’s going to have to cancel a business trip to be there, but that doesn’t seem to be too big of a deal.

Tonight we are going for our annual holiday dinner with another couple.  They do know that we are doing this IVF procedure, so when I am not drinking lots of wine, they already know why.  Mike declared the other day that he didn’t think I should have any alcohol between then and when we find out whether this works.  I wholeheartedly agree that I shouldn’t drink anything between transfer and the result, but it seems to me that it would be okay to have a little something prior to the transfer.  Maybe I am a little bit of an alcoholic, but I just want, like, half a glass of wine to go with my dinner.  Tomorrow we are going to dinner with his brother and a friend prior to a concert.  We’re going to a barbecue place that has hundreds of types of beer.  They don’t know that we are in the middle of an IVF cycle.  Maybe I can convince Mike that one beer is okay.  But, then again the brother and his friend probably aren’t that observant to really figure too much out from the fact that I am not drinking.  I could lie and say I am on antibiotics and they probably wouldn’t be any wiser.  But, beer and barbecue?  Mmmm.

Ooh, in food news, I made a Grandma S. apple pie yesterday.  She (Mike’s Grandma) makes the most amazing apple pie and no one has been able to duplicate it.  Mike said that he was sort of resigned to the fact that the pie would someday die with her (though she is going strong at almost 92).  I got a pie lesson from her at Christmas this year, and I think I got the technique.  It was about 95% as good as hers!  This was very exciting in our household. I’ll just have to keep practicing, but the Grandma S. pies will live on!

Runner January 23, 2008

I guess I am done running for the time being.  Last week I ran four days – 6 1/2 miles each day.  I felt good, and wasn’t sore.  Over the weekend, though, or maybe late last week, I started being able to feel some twinges and bloating in my ovaries – very mild, but enough to tell me something is going on in there.  So, based on the amount of time, energy, and money that is going into this process, I had better take it easy and not risk ovarian torsion or anything else bad that could happen if I overdo it.  

Four years ago I would not have understood how hard it is to not exercise.  Four years ago it was hard to exercise.  I was definitely never an athlete.  I played soccer one season in high school and was so terrible that I was disinclined to try it again.  I tried off and on over the years to go running or do other active things, but I always got discouraged by how little I was able to do and how sore I was the next day.  Something clicked for me, though, in March 2004 when I tried to start running again.  Mike and I were living together and he had a treadmill that he bought a couple years before – so at least I could suck in the privacy of my own home and not have to go running outside or in a gym where I was self-conscious that everyone was judging me.  I started doing yoga too, sometime shortly after that.  I started slowly and was able to stick with it long enough to feel results, which encouraged me to keep going.  Six months later I had lost 25 pounds and ran a 5K which I did awesome at (27:21).  The next month I ran a 10K (58:something), which was tough, but doable.  Then in March 2005 I ran a half Marathon with a friend and was totally impressed by myself.  In October 2006 I ran the Chicago Marathon in an amazing 3:51.

I love running.  I love how it makes me feel – fit and healthy and energetic.  I also really like being slim, though I hate to admit that.  But, physically it feels good and mentally it feels good too.  I am not as slim as I was six months ago – partly due to my eating habits when I was in school (and thanks to Baking and Pastry and all the bowl-licking I did there) – and now partly due to this IVF process, I think.  I have gained 4 pounds in the last week.  That has got to be the hormones.  A lot of my clothes don’t fit.  I had to go to Old Navy a couple weeks ago and buy some new pants because my old pants were way too uncomfortable.  I don’t want to stop running because it makes me feel good, but I also don’t want to stop running because I know I will gain more weight.  I just have to keep telling myself: if I get pregnant this will all be worth it.  Yesterday and Monday I walked on the treadmill for 6 miles (90 minutes), and I am more sore from that than from running!  I guess fast walking uses different muscles… So, I am taking today off.  Maybe I’ll walk (slower) later this week.

Last Friday I had an ultrasound check up and everything looked good.  Yesterday I went for another one, and for bloodwork (E2).  Apparently everything looks good.  I have 14 follicles that they measured, and I’ll be taking my trigger shot tonight at midnight.  Friday at noon they’ll retreive the eggs.  Saturday we’ll know how many fertilized and when they will be transferring the embryos (I think it will either be Monday or Wednesday).  One to two weeks later we’ll know whether it was successful.  I am just concentrating on taking all of my medications properly and taking this whole thing one day at a time - that has been working for me so far.  Just think about how I am going to fill this whole day and keep busy and then worry about tomorrow when it comes. 

Maybe today is pie day – I learned how to make pie crust from Mike’s grandma over Christmas and have yet to put this into practice.  If I am going to gain weight, I might as well eat delicious treats while I do it. 

Cookies January 17, 2008

These are the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever had.  The recipe came courtesy of Smitten Kitchen, a food blogger that I love.  The first step in making the cookies is toasting the pecans (or walnuts if you prefer), which end up tasting like candied nuts inside the cookies when they are baked.  I am not usually a huge nuts-in-cookies kind of girl, but toasting them first adds a whole new, delicious dimension. 

I baked a batch of these cookies yesterday to take to our friend, the nurse, who agreed to give me my first intramuscular shot.  The big scary needle that you mix the meds with actually comes off and you put a smaller needle on, and it hardly hurt at all, I am VERY happy to report.  So far so good with the stimulation medications.  I haven’t been feeling any side effects yet.  Tomorrow morning I go for a monitoring ultrasound to see how they are treating my ovaries.  I hope that I am responding well. 

I can’t even imagine what the next few weeks are going to bring.  I feel optimistic a lot of the time, but then I read statistics about only 1 in 5 IVF procedures working, and 30% success rates – not sure about the 10% difference there, but either way the odds are against us on any given cycle.  But, the fact is, the only known problem with my body is that the eggs have no way to rendesvous with the spermies because of my blocked tubes.  As far as we know I don’t have any hormonal issues, or issues that would prevent implantation.  So, in theory maybe my odds are higher?  In the end, the odds don’t mean a whole lot.  Either it is going to work or it is not.  Either way it is monumental – a huge and emotional event in my life.  If it is good, it will be so indescribably good.  If it is bad it will be crushing.  I am only a few weeks away from either the best news of my life, or some of the worst news of my life.  Like I said before, it just seems so outside of my control – my body is going to do what it is going to do.  So, I’ll try to help it as much as possible by eating good food, exercising, not drinking caffeine or a lot of alcohol (though I’ll still probably have a glass of wine with dinner every few days up until embryo transfer), and relaxing.  It is hard to acknowledge that is all I can do.  But, I think that’s it other than just waiting to see what happens.

I went to Target yesterday in the middle of the day since Mike is in New Orleans and left the car for me.  It was great to be able to take my time and wander around the store with no hurry – what a luxury.  When I walked by all the baby stuff, I just had to keep walking and avert my eyes – I feel like if I start looking at all of those things I am going to just get my hopes up and jinx myself.  It’s so hard to look at all those adorable little things that I want to buy, but don’t have anyone to buy them for. 

I was going to put in a picture of my lovely whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread up today too, but I am having a hard time figuring out the photo system.  Not exactly the most technologically sophisticated person in the universe here… I can usually figure out what I need to do, but this seems to be beyond me for the moment.  So, I will try to do that tomorrow and update on my ultrasound.  I am also getting the stitches out of my scalp and my side tomorrow, so I’ll spend half the day getting to doctors offices (at opposite ends of the city) and home again.  After the stitches come out I think I’ll be able to go back to my yoga too, so that will be another nice relaxing thing to do. 

Good thing I don’t have a job at the moment!

Week 3 Bread January 15, 2008

Although I just wrote about my bread-making goal last week, I have already made two “loaves” of bread this year.  The third is in the oven now.  Week #1 was spent at our New Year’s rental house, and for New Year’s Day breakfast we had a feast of Grandma P’s cinnamon rolls, eggs with mushrooms and fontina cheese, and turkey bacon.  The cinnnamon rolls turned out better than they ever had – when I have made them in the past, that is.  I am not taking anything away from Grandma P.  Hers were probably better.  But it is very exciting that now that I know what I am doing, thanks to Baking and Pastry I, that it makes a difference!

Week #2 I made a multi-grain bread that was perfect with tomato soup as grilled cheese or just smeared with cream cheese.  Though I did make a disturbing discovery that week with the tomato soup.  Did you know Campbell’s Tomato Soup has high-fructose corn syrup in it?  I try not to get on my high-horse about HFCS and hydrogenated oils too much, but they have been banned from our house, and I was very disappointed that I wasn’t going to be able to buy my very favorite tomato soup anymore.  Boo Campbells! 

Week #3 bread has been a bit of a drama.  On Friday I started a loaf of Whole Wheat Cinnamon Raisin Bread and was very excited to have it for breakfast on Sunday (one day for starting the bread, one day for baking, and eating the following day…).  On Saturday I killed my yeast by sticking the dough in the microwave to take the chill off before mixing the final dough.  I should have known better.  But I thought if I didn’t heat it over 138 degrees it would be fine.  But I think I killed all the little guys with radiation. 

So, yesterday I started again with my week #3 loaf of bread – making the same recipe since I was so excited about it.  The proportions seemed a little off because I wasn’t getting a cohesive dough, and it wouldn’t pass the “windowpane test” as it was supposed to, but I went with it as best I could and it finally decided to rise this afternoon.  The book says to let it rise for 45 to 60 minutes.  Mine rose about 2 1/2 hours, and my kitchen is pretty balmy.  So, it is finally rounded, shaped, and in the oven.  Mmmmm.  I can’t wait for cinnamon raisin toast tomorrow morning.  I really hope it is good.

Coming up: Week #4 – Power Bread (a 3-day process)

Yesterday was also my first day of the stimulation medications for IVF.  The needle is a little bigger on this one, though it is still subcutaneous.  I was nervous again, but it also was not bad at all.  No side effects yet, though I did yell at the AT&T guys after my phone was not working again.  They are sending me a new phone that I’ll have in a few days.  At least this time the agitation worked out for me.

Tomorrow is the first of the intramuscular shots.  With perfect timing, M will be in New Orleans for one night tomorrow, coming back on Thursday.  He did have the brilliant idea of having his friend who is a nurse give me the shot.  She already knew that we are doing IVF (seems like we are telling more and more people at this point…not sure if that is wise, but it just kind of comes up), and she agreed to do it for me.  So tomorrow evening I’ll pack up my needles and head to her place.  I am hoping that I am more worried about this one than I need to be too.   I might be able to do these on my own too eventually, but for now I am a little too freaked out by the big nasty needle to even think about sticking it my own ass.

One of the effects of the medicine is that my abdomen will probably start feeling pretty “full” and/or bloated.  It probably won’t be too comfortable to run.  So, I’ve been trying to get in as much running as possible.  However, my dermatologist told me no running until my stitches were out.  I have been blatantly disobeying the last two days.  Yesterday and today both I ran for an hour (6 1/2 miles), with no apparent ill effects on the stitches.  It’s not like its yoga where I am stretching all over the place and in danger of pulling them out.  The ones in my head couldn’t be pulled that way anyway.  So, until I feel like I can’t run because of the stimulation meds, I’ll keep trying to do so each day.  I haven’t lost any of the weight that I gained in the last part of culinary school, while not being able to devote much time to exercise and also being in the Baking and Pastry kitchen with all that sugar.  I had to buy some new pants.  Ugh.  I don’t like this.  If I was pregnant and needed new pants, that would be one thing.  But, that is not the case yet.

Ooh – time to get the bread.  Yum.

Time Flies January 9, 2008

When I was working at my grantwriting job, up until 3 1/2 weeks ago, I would often get to the building in the morning in the middle of the week as as I was standing waiting for the elevator I would think to myself “Ugh.  It is only Wednesday.  Three more days to sit through this week.”

Today I am thinking “It’s only Wednesday.  I have lots of time left to do stuff that I want to do this week.” 

I’ve been working on my website text and photos this week, and it is almost done and ready to send off to my friend who I am paying to help me by designing and setting up my site.  I worked on some menus for the website, ran errands, and still had down time.  So, I feel like I have gotten good work done and it has not been painful at all.  Later this week I am meeting with a working Personal Chef who is a friend-of-a-friend from my former job to get some tips and then next week there is a meeting for all Chicago-area Personal Chefs that I am going to go to.  Hopefully I’ll get some good ideas of how to get clients and other things to manage my business successfully.

Mike and I are going to dinner at his college friend’s house next weekend – they invited us and two other couples.  We think they may be announcing that she is pregnant.  It is unusual for them to invite us over – in the 2 1/2 years we have lived in Chicago, we have never been to their place for a dinner party.  Just a guess…

Besides the people that I already wrote about who recently announced their pregnancies, there are two more now!  Two of Mike’s childhood friends have announced their pregnancies to us this week alone.  At this moment, including my friends who are due this month and in April, I know 10 people who are pregnant and one that just had a baby a week and a half ago.  That is insane.  Please, God let this be a good omen for us.  If IVF doesn’t work, it is going to be difficult to deal with all of those baby showers that I am sure to be invited to.

I had breakfast this morning with my friend who has a 1 1/2 year old and announced her pregnancy last week.  I asked how she had been feeling and she told me that she had an ultrasound that showed a tear in the placental wall – the doctor told her that either it would repair itself of she would miscarry.  She is about 11 weeks along now.  She said it so nonchalantly  – like either way was fine.  I pretty sure that’s not how she feels about it, but she was so calm and didn’t seem worried.  She got pregnant right away with both her first and second babies… but it seems like it would still be difficult to be waiting to see if the placenta was going to fix itself or if you are going to lose the baby.  I don’t know – it was really strange how matter-of-fact she was about it.

It’s January 9 already.  Time really is flying now that I am on my own schedule and I don’t just spend the whole day staring at my calendar.  I still find myself procrastinating by making lists and looking at my Google Calendar and my paper calendar, but not anywhere near as much as I used to.

Eight Days Late for Resolutions January 8, 2008

I have never been a resolution-maker.  When I was younger I would make a resolution or two, but they never took.  So I gave up on that.  But there are some things that I would like to do this year, so I am going to make them my 2008 Goals (better late than never):

 1.  Bake a loaf of bread each week – I discovered last term how much I enjoy making and eating fresh bread, and that it really isn’t that hard to do.  With a Borders gift card that I got for Christmas I invetsted in Peter Rinehart’s Whole Grain Breads and I intend to make a loaf each week from that book for now and then maybe move on to other books.  This week I made a really yummy loaf of Multigrain Seeded Bread from Bob’s Red Mill Baking Book and have been having it for lunch.  What a treat.  And I find it really relaxing to make it too – all around a good thing that I want to do more of.  Next up: Whole Wheat Cinnamon Raisin Bread.

2.  Take photos of the food I make.  This can only help as I try to start my business.  And hopefully forcing myself to do it will help me get better at the styling part.

3.  Keep track of the foods I cook in my little black book.  Last year I started writing down things that I wanted to try to make or things that I had in restaurants that were really good.  This year I want to write down what I make – I am getting to the point where I can’t remember all the dishes anymore!  My last-year’s efforts fell off a bit since I got sick last summer, so I am going to start using the book again.

4.  Get some clients!  But not too many – I want a nice relaxing work/life balance especially at this point in my life with fertility treatments.

And in these goals I am not going to write “get pregnant”.  That’s a given, and I feel like it is fairly out of my control.  I will do everything I can for this first IVF cycle, and if that fails I will do everything I can with the second, and so on.  But we’ll just see what my body decides to do with all these drugs and whether it takes. 

Yesterday I had to go to the dermatologist to get two moles removed.  One was on my scalp and one on my side.  I had the somewhat shocking thought while I was laying on the table getting the numbing drugs shot into my head that I would rather be at the fertility doctor, legs spread, with that damn ultrasound wand doing what it does.  At lest that doesn’t hurt and make horrifying noises that you know is your skin and hair getting cut off your head.  Sorry, a little graphic, but it was terrible.  Today my head hurts and my side hurts and I am tired – I didn’t sleep very well last night since I couldn’t turn over but didn’t realize that when I was asleep until I woke up because I rolled over on my stitches.  Ugh.  I wish I didn’t have to do this every six months.  Damn fair skin and family history of melanoma.

Today the remainder of my IVF meds got ordered.  I’ll go pick them up at the pharmacy tomorrow.  Whereas I was sort of excited when the first ones were ordered, I am a little more apprehensive this time.  Lupron still isn’t affecting me – I might be having hot flashes, but I am so cold regularly that I think it is evening me out.  And I have been fine emotionally.  So we’ll see how the next medicines go.  I still don’t have my injection schedule, but I should have that this Friday when I go in for my next baseline ultrasound before starting the stimulation medications.  I am a little nervous because Mike is going to be gone for work one night next week when I’ll probably have to have a shot in my butt.  I am not sure if I am going to be able to do it myself.  I might have to enlist Laura.

I forgot to write about it at the time, what with my grandma’s funeral and then the holidays, but I did try acupuncture as my yoga lady had recommended.  I have heard that it doesn’t feel like needles, and I was nice and relaxed on the acupuncture table the day my grandma died, which also happened to be my last day at my grantwriting job since I headed right home for the funeral.  Then the lady stuck me with a needle – and let me tell you, it felt like a damn needle.  Especially the one she stuck behind my knee.  It hurt.  The other ones weren’t as bad, but they were definitely needles.  After they were in they didn’t bother me, and I was so nice and warm and relaxed and a little fuzzy-headed when I left.  But ultimately I decided that there are enough needles involved in this process and I don’t need to pay $100 per week to have someone stick me with more of them. 

As for yoga, I have been going to see this woman one-on-one for yoga for fertility.  I was pretty diligent about it at first.  But sometimes I just want to sit down and watch TV after a long day, or make a loaf of bread, or something other than yoga.  She says I should be doing it every day if possible (though I can’t now with three stitches in my head and eight (!) in my side).  It hasn’t happened.  It is supposed to relax me, but I don’t feel too stressed now that I am not going into that office every day.  I generally feel like I have time to do what I need to do without being stressed.  However, I have found myself with a clenched jaw a lot.  Maybe I do need to relax more.  Every time I notice it, I relax my jaw… but it does happen a lot lately.

So, Mike is probably leaving work soon, and I’ll go start making dinner.  Tonight for dinner: Indian Chickpeas, Curried Cabbage and Brown Rice.  Yum.

Lady of Leisure January 4, 2008

Being a lady of leisure is not so leisurely.  I always think that I am going to have all this time to get tons of things done (who doesn’t) – I’ll post to my blog every day, I’ll go running every day, I’ll do yoga every day… But it never ends up quite that way.

I am such a lucky duck right now – I quit my grantwriting job in mid-December and haven’t had to worry about getting into an office or felt guilty about being late into the office yet again due to another doctor’s appointment.  Now I am on my own clock.  It is a tremendous luxury, I know.  I am so lucky that my husband is supportive (emotionally and financially) of me quitting my job to start up my own business.  He also has told me on several occasions (perhaps I have already written about it, but I am too lazy to go back and look) that he wants me to take my time, do it right, and not get stressed out.  So that is exactly what I have done this week. 

Monday and Tuesday we were with our friends for New Year’s at the Party Crib (year 4).  Wednesday was kind of a rough day emotionally, more on that to come, so I did just a little cleaning and generally took it easy.  Yesterday I got a bunch of stuff done for my business - all that official stuff like incorporating, getting a FEIN, and figuring out sales taxes.  I still have a lot to do, but I am crossing things off one by one.  Today I did a couple little things this morning, am doing laundry, roasting a squash for dinner, and will go running shortly so I can go visit my friend who just had a baby this afternoon.  I am managing to keep very busy so far.  I am hoping to have more time next week to really sit down and get my website and some other things ironed out.  First I need this house/apartment to be really clean and organized so that I can focus when I come back here to our little office.

Today is day 5 of Lupron injections.  I have been suprised that it isn’t painful.  There’s a little tiny pinch feeling, but nothing bad at all.  I haven’t felt any side effects so far either.  I thought I was having hot flashes the first day but I think it was just from being in a hot kitchen with 7 other people.  I haven’t been overly irritable or overly emotional – so far so good.  We’ll see what happens with the next series of medications, but the Lupron is no problem so far.

What has been a problem is all of my friends getting pregnant.  I know three people right now who are due in July and have just announced their pregnanices – one other is due is May and just told us.  Three of them I know got pregnant right away – the first month of trying.  I know life isn’t fair, but it just hurts so much when I want this so badly and it is such a struggle for us and my friends just decide they want to have a baby and *poof* they’re pregnant.  This hasn’t been the case for all of them, I know.  But, for those who it is, I am really happy for them but also very envious.  When the last of my friends told us on Tuesday she was pregnant I cried in the car on the way home with Mike.  I cried when we got home some more.  I didn’t cry Wednesday, but I was feeling pretty down. 

2008 is supposed to be a better year for us - says me.  After getting my friend’s announcement on the first day of 2008 I was upset that the year had started out badly for me.  Not that it was bad I guess, but just emotionally difficult.  In a lot of ways 2007 was good – we got to travel to some really fun places – Las Vegas, Arizona, South Carolina, NYC, Oregon – but it was also very busy with me in school and working full time.  And then after I was in the hospital in August it kind of fell apart.  August was bad and then the rest of the year we were pretty focused on figuring out if I was well and what our next steps were now that we knew we wouldn’t be able to have kids on our own.  So, 2008 – please be better to us.  We had a rough start there on the 1st, but you can redeem yourself.

This week I haven’t had any appointments at the fertility center.  Next week I continue my Lupron injections and on Friday I’ll go for another baseline ultrasound before starting the stimulation medications.  I still don’t have a schedule for those injections, but I think that might be a good thing since it allows me to not obsess and stare at the calendar all the time, waiting for the day of retreival, transfer, and testing.  If I did know all of those dates, I think I would be doing a lot more counting-down than I am doing now.  I don’t know what date retrieval or transfer is happening so I can’t focus all of my energy on that.  When I was working my office job that I hated, I spent a great deal of time just looking at my calendar – both the paper one and the one on the computer, focused on dates yet to come when something good or at least decisive was going to happen - I even had a written weekly countdown until I was quitting my job.  Not knowing all the details is allowing me to just live my life for the time being.  Though I think I might call next week to see what they can tell me – I just want to make sure that I do get the drugs that I need by the date that I need them. 

At this point I just can’t imagine it not working.  I have to beleive that it is going to work on the first try.  Emotionally I have so much invested in this and especially with so many friends pregnant or recently having had children, if this doesn’t work it is going to be devastating to me.  I already know that if it does work, the estimated due date would be late October/early November.  Please, God, let me have a baby by then.  At this point I can’t fathom having to wait even more months to go through IVF again.  By then we probably wouldn’t even be talking about having a baby in 2008.  It would be 2009 before it became a reality.  Arg.  I can’t think about it.  I have to just stay positive, take care of myself, take all of my medications exactly as I am supposed to and hope for the best…