Gorgeous. Just gorgeous. December 19, 2007

Last week Thursday my grandma died.  It was not unexpected – she has been suffering from Alzheimer’s for years and had a series of strokes starting in November this year.  She had one final stroke, and fell and hit her head and cracked her skull at the beginning of December.  When she went to the hospital (with my mom, her former daughter-in-law in the ambulance with her), the neurologist said that she wouldn’t be coming back from this one, and they put her into hospice care.  Less than a week later she passed away peacefully.  In some ways this is a relief.  It was hard to see her over Thanksgiving because it was obvious how stressed she was and how much she was suffering.  She was so confused that when she would wake up alone in the hospital she would rip out her IV and try to escape.  Even when she wasn’t alone, and someone was staying the night with her, she would constantly try to get out of bed and go home.  She couldn’t speak well the last time I saw her and got so frustrated that she slapped her own face and managed to spit out “disgusting!”. 

She hasn’t been the person that I think of as my grandma for several years – not since she moved into the assisted living place.  So, when she died on Thursday I really didn’t feel too torn up about it.  I didn’t feel like I had lost my grandma.  I had lost this other person who didn’t know me anymore, didn’t send me cookies and brownies anymore, and didn’t communicate how my grandmadid.  She didn’t look like herself in the casket – I think partially because she had lost weight over the past few weeks.  And before this she might have been 100 pounds – she didn’t have a lot to lose.  But, then at the funeral I was very sad, because I really will miss her.  Her funny, distinctive voice, and her cooking, and her presence.  She was a really funny and spunky lady – she had to be to raise 4 boys.  And going to her house when we were kids was about the most fun we could have – riding tricycles in the basement, eating lots of sweets and other good food, skating on the pond, canoeing on the pond, catching fireflies, making ice cream in that big hand-cranked ice cream maker, being pulled around in the wheelbarrow attached to the tractor.  Who knows why that was fun, but it sure was.  I’ll miss you, grandma.

This week has marked a big change too – last Thursday was my last day at my grantwriting job.  I am SO thankful to be out of there.  Now I am working on getting my business up and running.  This week I got myself organized and started working on my website text.  I also ran and did yoga, cooked dinner, did laundry, did some Christmas shopping and straightened up the house.  What a relief not to be in school three nights a week and going to an office that I really did not like.  I am so fortunate to be able to do this – and to have a much-needed mini-break from the stress of school+work+household stuff.  I have so much more time now and can just sit back and enjoy the holidays. 

In IVF land, today I had my HSN to see the shape and condition of my uterus.  I really hadn’t been obsessing about this much, which surprises me in retrospect.  But, because of all of the infections that I have had, it is very possible that I could have had a lot of scar tissue in my uterus.  Fortunately I don’t, and the doctor proclaimed my uterus “Gorgeous!  Just gorgeous!”.  So that was a big relief.  I also had to have some bloodwork done – first a poke in one arm for 4 or 5 tubes of blood then a poke in the other arm when they discovered that they needed to run one more test.  Between that and the HSN, I wasn’t too comfortable this morning.  But, I know that they are thorough. 

Today M. also has to go in for his test.  I was feeling a little bad for him, because I would imagine that would be a little embarrasing.  But then I realized that the things he has to do (other than that one blood draw) doesn’t cause any pain.  Then I didn’t feel bad anymore.

They have to wait for the results of my blood tests from today before they give me my full injection schedule, but the plan is still to start the Lupron on December 31 - so we are still on schedule for an end-of-January transfer.  Just a little over a month and the transfer will be done.  I’ll be starting the stims on January 14, which is less than a month away.  Next week Thursday I go in for my baseline ultrasound. 

The coming week will go by quickly with all the family gatherings we have.  It will be another whirlwind trip to Michigan – with my dad and stepmom, my mom, my mom’s extended family, and M’s family.  Then back to Michigan, though not so far into the state for a hopefully relaxing and fun new year’s with my crew.  I am looking forward to that, as always.  There is always great food and lots of relaxation.  With two babies – one of whom might be the cutest, smiliest baby I have ever met – it may even be more fun this year.

Meds December 12, 2007

On Monday I had a call from my clinic asking when I was going to schedule the remainder of my bloodwork and my HSN and my husband’s “test” (ahem) so that they could order my injectible medications.  I ended up talking to the nurse yesterday and it turns out that I don’t have to have those things completed before they order the meds, I just have to have them scheduled.  So, supposedly they were placing the order for my meds yesterday.  They order them from this pharmacy in Chicago that they call a “fertility depot” and they have HGH in stock and apparently there is a shortage of that in this country.  Who knew?

So, the meds will be delivered to my home sometime in the next couple of weeks.  This little tiny thing that is likely to cause me a great deal of physical pain makes me happy, which I find a little bewildering.  I am pleased with each new little bit of progress in the goal, and having the medications in my posession soon seems like progress.  I will start the Lupron injections on New Years Eve.  Is that a fortuitous day to start?  Once again I find myself being very superstitious.  2007 was not a good year for me health and fertility-wise.  Maybe I should be starting this one day later in 2008?  I am hopeful that 2008 will be a much better year for me in this regard.  But I am going to try to push that to the back of my mind.

On December 31 this year I will be with my college girlfriends and their husbands/children/significant others at our Party Crib.  So the first and second days of my injections I will be with a big-ish group of people.  Hopefully it doesn’t throw my emotions for too much of a loop… Especially with two new adorable babies there.  I don’t want to be sobbing or angry during new years.  I just have to hope that the meds don’t make me too crazy.

Regrets December 11, 2007

In just the last hour and a half two people at my current job have told me how great it is that I am following my dreams and trying to start my own business. 

One is a 50-something (60-something?) Payroll Clerk who told me that she went to art school to be a commercial artist and got her first job at age 20 doing catalogue layout for Sears.  The guy she worked for wasn’t doing that well, so she got laid off and she decided she had better get a “real” job.  So now here she is, 30-ish years later at a desk job that she doesn’t love (I can tell by her phone conversations and her conversations over the cube wall to her fellow Payroll-Clerk neighbor) and having never really pursued her art as a career.  She told me that she regrets not having pushed harder to keep at the art.

Then another guy told me that he regrets not allowing his youngest son to pursue his dream of being a pro golfer when he was younger.  He made him go to college first.  Then as an adult, his wife supported him through two years of golf-school.  Now he is a semi-pro golfer.  Who knows what would have happened if he had pursued it earlier? 

At this point in my life I don’t have a lot of career regrets.  Sure, I wish I had figured out what I wanted to do a little earlier on in my life.  But, my food-world was so small when I was younger – I had no idea how much I liked to cook.  I made fruit pizza for family gatherings and made cookies and applesauce when I was babysitting and made dinner for my family once in a while.  But we at the same things over and over and over at home – a steady rotation of sloppy joes, goulash, fish sticks, and breakfast-for-dinner supplemented by coleslaw and steamed vegetables.  I knew what I liked, but I didn’t understand the breadth of the food world.  I had never heard of risotto or sushi or baklava or hummous or falafel or bi bim bop or shwarma.  I remember eating a crepe for the first time at Epcot Center as a teenager.  I remember seeing my first bulb of garlic when I was about 20 years old. 

The advent of the Food Network and celebrity chefs have brought good food much more to the mainstream than it was 10 or 15 years ago.  I am fortunate that this is the case and people are more apt to want good quality food every day.  That has established a market for my services that may not have been  there 15 years ago.  And living in one of the top two food cities in the country doesn’t hurt either! 

So, while I am stressing out about not making money and about my first clients and what-the-hell-am-I-going-to-make-for-them, what-if-they-don’t-pay-me, how-do-I-make-a-website, I have to remember that I am following my dream so that 30 years from now I don’t have the regrets that so many people have about not having followed their true passion.

Book Club December 10, 2007

Four days, one hour and ten minutes and counting until I am free of this job!  Maybe less if I don’t have to stay the whole day on Friday. 

Tonight I am going to book club.  For some reason I had a crazy fear of book club when I first moved to Chicago.  I like to beleive that I was a straight-A student in high school and college, and I sometimes actually do believe it.  This summer when I was home and weeding through some boxes to throw stuff away, I came across all of my report cards.  In the box was proof that I was NOT a straight-A student and I almost never got A’s in History or English classes – though there were a couple of exceptions.  At the hippy-dippy college within the University of Michigan that I went to we did not get “grades”.  Instead we got “evaluations”.  My professors always commented about how quiet I was in class.  One even called me “reticent”.  I would so much rather get a B than be called reticent.  These evaluations always made me feel really bad, even if they also complimented my writing or said other good things (perfect attendance! – man I was a goodie-goodie) what I remembered were all the comments about how I should have spoken up more in class.  Sometimes I was intimidated by the other people in my classes and sometimes I felt like I just didn’t have anything original to contribute to the conversation.  To this day I would rather write a paper about a given topic than to have a discussion about it.  I feel like I can organize my thoughts better when there is a word-processor involved.

So when we decided to move to Chicago and I told my friend Kate, she started jumping around (no, I am not kidding – she does a lot of jumping around when she is excited) and started talking about all the things that I could do with them, including Book Club.  It was just assumed that I would be part of the Chicago l.adies Book Club.  I wasn’t sure that I wanted to though – and I remember having discussions with M. about whether I would look dumb.  I am so insecure, even at the ripe old age of 30, about my intellectual worthiness and about what people will think of me. 

So I went to book club for the first time two-plus years ago.  What I discovered was that there was some really good food at book club.  They were discussing a book that I had read, but I had read it two years earlier – and I really don’t remember books that long.  I read them, enjoy them (or not) and then promptly forget most of them.  So I didn’t have a whole lot to say.  I was reticent during the discussion.  But no one seemed to look down on me, and they invited me back.  And I ate a really yummy dinner.  Now I look forward to Book Club.  I am not afraid of the discussion anymore.  If I have something to say, I say it.  If not, I just listen to what other people say.  It has increased my appreciation for some books.  Overall, it has definitely been a positive experience.  There must be a lesson to be learned from this…

I also had a dermatologist appointment this morning.  Stupid family history of melanoma.  I have two more moles that have to be removed.  That makes 6 in 12 months, I think.  Yuck.  One is on my scalp.  Obviously I would rather have these moles removed than get skin cancer down the line.  But, it does suck. 

Four days and 55 minutes and counting.

(im)Patience December 6, 2007

I have never been a particularly patient person.  When I want something, I want it soon, if not now.  This was not a good thing when M. and I were dating for 5 years before getting married.  It wasn’t a good thing when I thought I deserved a promotion at the job before this one.  It is never a good thing when I am hungry.  It made me unhappy a lot of the time that I could have just been enjoying my life where it was at that point. 

Unexpectedly, I think that my infertility diagnosis and resulting treatment has given me a little perspective on patience and I am actually going back to the lessons that I learned in the past.  I have been at least moderately successful at taking this adventure one day at a time.  I know that I won’t have a baby today, I won’t have one tomorrow.  But, I am starting to really internalize and beleive that someday I will.  I feel very positive about this first IVF cycle.  Maybe this is naivete on the part of a first-time-IVF-er.  But, between yoga therapy, acupunture and a great clinic, I feel like this might just work.  I won’t start injections until later this month, and transfer will be at the end of January.  Until then I am going to enjoy my glasses of wine with dinner and not giving myself shots on a daily basis.  When that comes I know it will be temporary – both the pain of the injection that will (hopefully) last only a few moments as well as the period of time that I will have to give myself injections.  This too will pass, and hopefully there will be a good result for the minor suffering.

I also have been fairly good at exercising my patience at school and at work.  I am so excited to be so close to being done with school.  Tonight is my last class.  I never have to wear those God-forsaken checked pants again.  And I can leave my earrings in and my engagement ring on all the time instead of going without three days a week.  I know this is really not a big thing, and in general I am not much of a girly-girl, but dammit, I like wearing my diamonds!  As of next Saturday I will be a graduate and can call myself “Chef”.  As of next Friday I will be done with this job forever!  Now, though, the time seems to be going by so slowly.  It is only Thursday, I “worked from home” yesterday and I still feel like I have been here so much this week.  Tomorrow is the holiday party, though, and I declined it.  But, that means I can go get my hair cut and maybe do some yoga tomorrow afternoon before heading out to celebrate with my culinary school friends.

 Monday and Tuesday this week were my last days of Baking & Pastry.  I recalled how I wrote at the beginning of the term how I might consider going back for the second certificate in Baking and Pastry.  Although I did very well (I think I’ll get at least a 95% in the class) and I did enjoy most of it, even one more term of school seems like too much.  Maybe someday, but not now.  Now I am burnt out and in need of a rest.  I also didn’t feel like I had the magic fairy dust with baking the way I often do with cooking.  My creations often were not perfect, and that kind of drives me up a wall. 

On Monday night three or four of the students in my 20-person class decided that they needed to sing while they worked, and their song of choice was Don’t You Want Me Baby, don’t you want me ooo-oo-oo-ohh.  For the love of all things holy, shut up!!! Oh my God, it was driving me crazy – off key, annyoning song, all while I was trying to concentrate on getting my production done so I didn’t have to rush the next night.  I really like being in the kitchen, but I realized that I really like being in the kitchen alone.  Sometimes I am a little antisocial… But, fortunately for me, I have washed my last hand-sink, swept my last KC kitchen floor, and gotten up to my upper arm in scalding dish water for the last time.   Tonight we are meeting briefly in the classroom for a half hour and then all going to the bar.  Much better than spending 5 hours in this class.  Then I will be DONE.  I won’t have to enter the school building again. 

I smiled to myself this morning too – walking around the office here I realized that I only have to come into this building 6 more times and then I will be gone from here too.  It is going to be a shock, but in a good way and I am trying so hard to be patient until a week from tomorrow.