Irresponsible November 29, 2007

Irresponsible is not a word that is often used to describe me.  I don’t actually think that I was irresponsible yesterday, either.  But, it does seem somewhat irresponsible to give two weeks (plus two days) notice at a job that pays well and doesn’t demand outrageous amounts of my time when you don’t have a job or any discernable source of income lined up.  Which is exactly what I did.

It did make me giddily happy yesterday to know that I would be quitting in a matter of hours and I (at this point) only have about 7.5 more days in the office, what with “working” from home and office Christmas parties that I declined and dermatologist appointments and hopefully leaving early on my last day.  60 hours and counting. 

I did think to myself – “What the FUCK am I doing?!”  But fortunately M. was available by phone to once again give me a pep talk and remind me that I/we did not spend so much money on this year of Culinary School so that I could stay in my office job that I hate.  Also he told me that if it comes to be February and I don’t have any clients yet, I might be freaking out, but he won’t be.  What a good, supportive husband. 

A lot of my mental issue with quitting my job is about feeling guilty for not going out and making the bacon.  Erm, bringing home the bacon.  Especially with all of the IVF/acupuncture/business-start-up expenses.  But, I am practicing taking a deep breath and accepting that it is okay if I am cash-negative (one of M.’s favorite terms for me during school) for a little while.  It won’t always be the case, we can afford it, and in the end I will be building a career that I will love.  Big picture, Stephanie, look at the Big Picture. 

We went to Michigan for the weekend after Thanksgiving so that I could visit my grandma who had a stroke and is in the hospital.  She is 90.   In some ways, she is still my Grandma P – still uses out of date words like “vehicle” when asking how we got to the hospital and laughs her Grandma P laugh.  But the Alzheimers is destroying her brain.  It was so hard to see.  I last saw her around her 90th birthday in April when she was obviously having trouble, and a lot of it, but could still live in her little apartment with some assistance.  Now she is getting 24-hour care and forgets things as soon as you say them. 

The one bright spot of the visit was after we had been there a while and my grandma asked who M. was.  My dad explained again that I was her granddaughter and M. was my husband.  When she heard I was her granddaughter she perked up momentarily and managed to get out of her stroke-addled mouth “hello, granddaughter!” and a little wave across the room.   I can still hear that same voice when we’d arrive at her house “hello Steffie!” – one of only two people in the world I would allow to call me Steffie.  I went and held her hand and told her about when we used to spend time at her house during the summer and go camping in their motorhome.  She sadly said that she didn’t remember any of that.  It was truly heartbreaking.

In a lot of ways my grandma is really lucky – she has three sons and three daughters-in-law who take really good care of her and are so patient with answering all of her questions.  She has good care where she is living.  A couple months ago I would have been totally focused on what would become of me in her situation if I am not able to have kids.  I am feeling a little more optimistic at the moment, though.  I think we’ll do it one way or the other.  I just hope that our struggle on that front comes to a quick end.  Maybe in January/February if we are extra-lucky.  If not, we’ll keep plugging away, and at least I won’t have to be coming into this office – instead I can spend all day reading cookbooks or cooking in the kitchen – things that I will enjoy doing – and hopefully get paid by someone to do it!

Revealing November 21, 2007

One of my friends hosts an annual get-together the Sunday before Thanksiving for the girls to get together and eat soup.  Sounds kind of lame, but it isn’t at all.

This year before the Annual Frienship Soup Night, I was debating whether I would tell my friends that we are starting the IVF process.  I thought maybe M. and I would keep this information to ourselves so that there wasn’t any added pressure of people asking us how the cycle was going and whether it worked and all of that.  I had pretty much decided that I wasn’t going to tell anyone.  Then my friend asked the question at soup night when it was just her and me at the table.  She expressed relief that I didn’t have to have surgery and asked if we then go back to the infertility people after the new year.  I told her that we had already gone and that we were going to get started on the process, with transfer in January.  I hesitated a little before blurting all of it out, but in the end I am glad that I told her.

Another friend heard us talking and asked about it, then another one (who is pregnant and at risk of blood clots, causing her to have to give herself shots twice a day) wanted to talk about giving myself shots.  Then the whole group knew, which I was actually okay with.  The three that either are now or have recently been pregnant all spent a year or more trying to conceive and understand thinking every month that of course, you are finally pregnant!  That’s why your breasts are sore (it couldn’t be your period approaching, after all), and that’s why you are smelling your perfume so intensely this morning (it couldn’t be that you put too much on) and that’s why you have been really hungry the last few days (that couldn’t be your imagination).  It was good to talk to them about the mental processes that I have been going through the last year-plus.

This gets in your head so much.  I was knitting the other day – making a baby hat for my friend that I saw last weekend.  And I thought to myself – maybe I will be making one of these for my own baby(ies) in February.  It is so hard not to get ahead of yourself.  Of course after we went for our ART consult and injection teach last week I did the math to find out when we would  know whether the IVF worked.  It looks to be right around Valentine’s day.  Once you realize that, how do you not start fantasizing about telling your husband that you are pregnant over a romantic Valentines day dinner.  I just don’t want to get too ahead of myself so that if I am not pregnant I will not constantly be thinking about what I “should” have been doing – the Valentine’s dinner announcement, knitting baby hat(s) in the winter time, etc.  And since I know that they will likely transfer at least two embryos (as long as I have two to transfer) I keep thinking about how great it would be to have twins.  This is obviously over-the-top ahead of myself.   Either way I’ll be crushed if it doesn’t work.  But, I hope that I can rein in my planning-ahead-expecting-success a little bit.

My friends were all very compassionate and understanding and curious about the process.  It was good to be able to talk to someone other than M. about it.  We haven’t spoken specifically about whether we will tell our parents that we have started the process.  I would prefer not to.  I think I will just be evasive so that they don’t constantly ask me about the progress.  This is so different from some of my friends, who have gone to great lengths (including the most convincing fake-drinking I have ever seen) to make sure that their parents were the first to know that they were expecting. 

Diagnosis Code 628.2 November 19, 2007

Last Wednesday I “worked” from home and so was able to make some phone calls that I needed to make before we start this IVF cycle.  First I called my insurance company to find out if some blood tests are covered – and the woman told me that they are not because they are considered experimental.  These are the $800 worth of blood tests that the clinic wanted me to put on my credit card.  They also told me that whether or not the rest of the tests are covered are based on which diagnosis code is submitted with the bills.  Then I called the doctor’s office to find out what my diagnosis code is.

Digression:  There is something really wrong with the medical system in this country, where the pain (physical and mental), heartache, and tears that I have been experiencing over the past 4 months (though, really, over a year) can be summed up by the insurance company as Diagnosis Code 628.2.  Maybe I would be better off if I had 628.3 – though who the hell knows what any of this means? 

Anyway, I got the diagnosis code and called the insurance company back again to confirm.  This time they told me all the tests would be covered.  I was so happy!  Then I decided I better call back one more time and see who the next person sided with.  So I called again, and was told that definitely none of these tests are covered. 

One of the things that I have learned, both with my gallbladder surgery six years ago, and hospitalization earlier this year, is that you can not trust people in the medical field to do what you need them to do.  It is up to you to be agressive and get what you need.  It is so sad to see people in the hospital (like my roommates this past August) who don’t have anyone there to advocate for them and make sure they aren’t poked and prodded any more than they really need to be, and to make sure that they are getting proper medication to make them well and keep them comfortable.  I am so fortunate that my husband and mom and inlaws and a couple friends were there so much to take care of me. 

But, it is never ending.  I guess it makes sense – in some way you are ultimately responsible for your own health and making decisions about your body.  But I used to have a lot more confidence and faith in the medical profession than I do now.  Between incomplete care and misinformation and just blatant guesses about what is going on inside my body, doctors (except for you Dr. Palmer and Dr. L - I do love you!) have not really been doing me right.

I am happy that we found an IVF clinic that seems to be the exception to this too.  They are very responsive and communicative and compassionate.  I feel like I am in good hands there.  This past Friday M. and I went to see them for our ART consult and injection teaching session.  I thought there woudl only be one big shot in my ass.  Turns out those are daily shots – twice or three times a day… Hmmm.  I guess I’ll get used to it.  M. looked pretty freaked out when he realized how many shots he was going to have to give me.  I am a little nervous about that, but mostly because I know he is nervous.  Hopefully he’ll just go for it.  I feel adrenaline in my body just thinking about it.

We have officially started this first IVF cycle – our medication schedule is being prepared, we have completed a lot of the tests, I am on birth control to suppress my system, and I’ll be starting injections at the end of December.  I haven’t thought a whole lot about what this means for me in the big picture – I have been so focused on the little things and putting one foot in front of the other so that I at least feel like we are making some sort of progress in the ultimate goal of starting a family.  I want to do this now, but I also wonder if I am rushing in too fast.  I have always been in a big hurry in my life to get to the ‘next thing’.  With so many of my friends having babies, I want to be at that stage so much, and I want to start our family.  Thinking about it now, though, I don’t think there is really any reason to wait.  We were ready to be pregnant over a year ago.  We are financially stable (and will be even after I quit my job in four weeks, which is another story…  ) and insurance covers the majority of the treatment.  I think waiting to start IVF would have just drawn this process out and kept me wondering longer.  So, I definitely am ready for this.  M. is totally on board too – I think he just worries about my health and my mental state sometimes when this situation is getting to me, like it did last Wednesday.

I got so frustrated with the insurance company giving me three different answers and then I also was talking to an acupunture practitioner and she said that it isn’t a good idea to do the acupuncture “half-assed” and that it is most beneficial if you go once a week and then once right before embryo transfer and once right after.  That’s a lot of money when you figure $100 per session.  So then I was worried (more like feeling guilty) about spending that kind of money on this process when I am voluntarily giving up my paycheck soon.

M. has a really good attitute about it, I think (maybe because it is working out in my favor…), and he says that he wants me to pursue my Personal Chef business and we didn’t spend all this money on tuition this year so that I would stay at my current job that I don’t even like.  I am trying to stay positive and confident and know that it will work out and that I will make some money.  I am super fortunate that there isn’t a certain amount that I have to make in order for us to be able to pay the bills.  We just won’t be saving as much money if I am not making as much.  In some ways I am so excited about leaving this job and starting my business, but I am also struggling with guilt over giving up this job that pays me well to go into something that I have no idea how it will work out.  It is scary but exciting.

I started a knitting project this weekend, for the first time in months and months and months and I feel myself becoming obsessed with it again, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I’ll write more about that tomorrow since it is the end of my lunch hour, and also this novel needs to end.

Wow, I had a lot to say November 13, 2007

There are a bunch of somewhat-related topics that I want to write about today.  It feels like a lot has happened since I wrote before, besides going to a conference for three days last week where it was very clear to me that I am working in the wrong industry when grown, 50-year-old women were doing the hokey-pokey and also doing a sing-along to “Four hugs is the minimum number, not the maximum”.  There were two conferences going on at the same time at the McCormick Center – one for Early Childhood Educators and one for Architects.  You could pick out the attendees one from the other from a mile away based on what they look like.  Not to promote stereotypes or anything.  Anyway, on to what I really wanted to write about…

Topic #1: I don’t have to have surgery! 

I am SO releived, even though I had been thinking this might be the case – and had pretty much been counting on it.  If it had gone the other way, I probably would have gone through another few days of crying and not sleeping about having to have the surgery.  But, on Friday I got a call from my Ob/Gyn saying that she had two other doctors look at the ultrasound images and they didn’t see any signifcant fluid in my fallopian tubes.  There was a small amount of what appeared to be “free fluid” on one side of my pelvis – but nothing that would require surgery.  I don’t know what happened to clear all that up, and neither do they.  But, I am so happy that I am able to make some plans for the holidays that don’t involve me trying to get home for Christmas despite having had surgery recently and possibly being in a lot of pain trying to travel there in the car.  It also makes it easier to plan for what I am going to do in terms of my business once I finish school.  This also means that there is a slight possiblity that I might someday be able to get pregnant on my own – at least I will have all the necessary parts.  I will find out in the next little while if both tubes are now sealed shut, which is the assumption.  Five years ago only one appeared to be, but two massive abdominal infections can change that pretty fast.

Topic #2: Day 3 Labs

Becuase of the timing of my menstrual cycle, we have already started our first IVF cycle.  By “started” I mean having blood drawn and making appointments for more tests and “consultations”.  With our insurance situation, we can do all the testing and even start oral/injectable medications, but we can’t do the actual retreival and transfer until after the new year.  The timing seems to be working out pretty well for us, though – found out I don’t have to have surgery last Friday, got my period Sunday, had first blood drawn today (Tuesday), ART consult Friday…it is moving very quickly.  We will have to talk to them on Friday about the timing of the actual IVF part of the cycle.  Between the insurance change and Mike’s travel for work, there are some dates that we’ll have to avoid.  I have NO idea what to expect from this – what my reaction to the meds will be, or how this is even all going to work (of course, I have a general idea).  I don’t know if I am going to tell anyone that we are starting this.  So far I have told my dad and a friend that not having surgery means that we can now go ahead and figure out our plan for IVF.  I haven’t told anyone that we are moving right into it.  I don’t think that I will want to answer continuous questions about how it’s going or what the result is, so I might keep it between me and the internet.  God, I hope this works.

Topic #3: Money for IVF, even though insurance covers it

When I went to the office this morning for my Day 3 labs, they told me that three of the tests that they want to do get sent to a special lab (that the doctor co-owns) that does not bill insurance companies.  So, we are on the hook for that amount and can coordinate with our insurance, who may or may not cover it.  One test which is actually the “Day 3 Lab” test was $88.  The other two were $217 and $585!  I had no idea that when I went there today they were going to expect me to put almost $1,000 on my credit card, when you factor in my co-pay and a “handling fee” for the lab.   I did the $88 one, but told them I wanted to talk to M. before going forward with the other two.  I am also going to call the insurance company tomorrow to get an idea of whether they will be covered.  If so, that’s fine.  But, if not, we are going to try to get some more information about why I need these tests. 

Besides the fees that I am paying to the doctor, I also had a private Yoga Therapy session last weekend, to the tune of $100.  I think it was worth it – I have a yoga series to do on my own now, which I will do as much as possible.  I also just think that this woman is really compassionate and intuitive and knows what she is talking about with yoga for fertility.  It was part yoga class, part therapy session.  She suggested that I also pursue acupuncture as part of this IVF cycle.  I called the acupuncture practitioner that she suggested, who told me (via voicemail) that most of the people she treats come once a week and then right before and right after embryo transfer.  Holy shit, that will be a lot of money!  I have to imagine that it will cost $80 – $100 per session.  That could be $2000 depending on the length of this cycle!  I don’t think that is in the plans if I want to quit my job and be a Personal Chef.  We’ll have to think about that.  But, it is gut wrenching, because she also sent me a study (which seems reputable) that suggests that acupuncture can improve your chances of IVF working by 40 – 60%.  Maybe I will just have to target my treatment a bit and still have acupuncture, just not as frequently as once a week.  Plus I am going to want to continue to meet with the Yoga Therapist. 

Topic #4:  My mom came to visit this weekend with her boyfriend

Ah, the only non-infertility topic of the day so far.  (Besides sitting here trying to write grant applications…) My mom has been seeing a widower for a couple of months now.  They knew each other (and the wife who passed away) in high school and have reconnected.  This is the first boyfriend (though that term seems wierd when my mom is approaching 63 and he’s at least a little older…) that my mom has had, that I have been aware of, in about 20 years.  It was really cute – they held hands and sat and read the paper together, laughing at the same stories and reading parts to each other.  I am really happy for my mom – she seems really happy.  It will be interesting to see what happens with this relationship.  If it continues long-term, it is possible that I may have three step-siblings to add to the mix and a step-dad, which is not something I ever expected.  They seem to be really well suited to each other though – they communicate in the same way (read: excrutiatingly slowly sometimes), seem to find the same things funny, and generally enjoy each others’ company.   It also takes some of the pressure off of me to worry about my mom, and try to make sure I am there for every holiday (even though there is also my dad and step-mom and my husband’s family in the picture too), and just to talk to her all the time when she visits.  She’s not the chattiest person in the world, and it can be like pulling teeth to hold a normal conversation with her.  Sometimes it tests my patience in a big way. 

Only 3.5 weeks of school remaining and counting.  Tonight we are making pie in Baking and Pastry and filling our eclairs.  Last night we made pastry cream and eclair shells.  Dipping warm pastry cream straight out of the pot with a broken eclair shell might have been one of the most decadent and heavenly things I have ever tasted.  I hope I get some more tonight.  Then tomorrow I can write Topic #5: Why I weigh 5 pounds more than I did 6 weeks ago.

Highs and Lows November 6, 2007

What a difference 24 hours makes.  Twenty-four hours ago I was still riding my high from my first cooking gig.  Then yesterday afternoon I had another ultrasound at Northwestern and an appointment with by Ob/Gyn to discuss whether I really have to have surgery or whether my hydrosalpinx have mysteriously cleared up on their own.  I have been waiting (im) patiently for two weeks since our appointment with the fertility doctor who didn’t see the hydrosalpinx.  And I had pretty well convinced myself that I will not have to have surgery.

So yesterday I drank the water I was supposed to drink and headed over.  Then I sat and sat and sat in the waiting room, for an hour… The doctor was running late.  When I finally did get in she did my annual exam, some other tests that I have to have before starting IVF and then consulted the ultrasound report.  She said they weren’t talking about the hydrosalpinx in the report, so she went to look at the images herself.  She said that there seemed to be a minor amount of fluid on the left, and no more hydrosalpinx on the right.  So, it could be worse.  But, she wants the ultrasound expert to look at the images before she tells me that I don’t have to have surgery. 

While I am very happy that she is being thorough, and taking the safe route, I also had fully expected to at least have a decision yesterday.  I thought I would know whether I would be having surgery on December 11 or whether I would be able to attend my graduation on December 15 – one or the other.  (Though my mom seems to think that she can “get me there” so I can attend graduation even if I do have to have surgery. Yeah, I don’t think so.)  So, then I was frustrated and feeling very down.  I thought I was going to get a “Yay! No surgery for you!” and I got “Let’s wait another few days and torture you some more with not knowing.” 

I know four days is not that big of a deal in the whole scheme of things.  But I am a planner and I want to make some plans.  So we shall see.  Hopefully I will get a call while I am at the conference on Thursday and be able to take it. 

After my appointment last night we had our midterm in Baking and Pastry in the kitchen.  They gave us two recipes that we have not seen before (with minimal instructions  like “use the muffin mixing method”.  I did not want to be there.  I am so burnt out and not enjoying school – partly as a result of my sometimes-bad attitude about my health and fertility status.  I am having a really hard time getting my mind off of that long enough to make some bread.  Anyway, I got a 95% on my midterm – annd made some delicious corn bread.  My other (yeast) bread would have been lovely if I had baked it long enough, but I was anxious to get out of there.

When I got home Mike and I disagreed (I wouldn’t say ‘argued’ since it didn’t really get heated…) about what we are going to do for Thanksgiving this year since my dad and stepmom have changed their plans recently due to her sister being ill.  I had been looking forward to going to their place for Thanksgiving since I haven’t been there since highschool.  Also we’ve spent the last five years with Mike’s parents and my mom, and I was kind of looking forward to doing something different.  Oh well.  I guess that is another thing that we are not making plans for right away, even though it is the week after next. 

So, all in two days – a very high high and a very low low.  This roller coaster is killing me.

Energized November 5, 2007

Yesterday was a momentus day in my life.  I cooked for money for the first time.  My friend had asked me to cook for her family for her 3-month-old son’s baptism.  She told me that they would like a meat-and-potatoes sort of dinner because that is what her dad and her grandma would like and I thought about the menu for a while, tested some potroast recipes and ultimately gave her the choice of three main dishes: sutffed flank steak, pot roast with onions, carrots and dried plums, or pork tenderloin with peach-bourbon sauce.  She chose the pork tenderloin.

Saturday I went out and shopped for the ingredients, at the same time doing my own grocery shopping.  Never having done this before, I didn’t know how much the ingredients would be, and they were less than I thought.  I looked at the recipes and decided that I would have enough time at their place (arrive at 10:30 am, lunch at 2:00) to cook everything except the roasted beets, so I roasted those while I was making our Saturday dinner.  Then Sunday morning I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep, so I got up at 6:45 am, did yoga, and then showered and packed up all my stuff for cooking.

I had plenty of time, took my time roasting the potatoes and making the slaw and was having a ton of fun listening to music, cooking in their nice kitchen with the gas stove (mine is electric and not very good) and lots of counter space.  They arrived home a little earlier than expected, but I think lunch was on the table within 20 minutes of them getting home, and her husband spent some of that time getting drinks organized – so I think the timing worked out just fine.  Then I put out the spread:

Green salad with beets, peppers, and truffle cheese with ginger vinagrette

Apple Slaw

Spice Rubbed Pork Tenderloin with Peach-Bourbon Sauce

Roasted Broccoli

Twice Baked Potatoes with Pine Nuts and Olive Oil

It was a HUGE success.  Everyone loved the food, and there were many second helpings and clean plates.  I could not have been happier about how it turned out.  My friend’s brother-in-law said “The only thing I can say is, I am sorry you are already married”.  Then we had cake that they got from a great bakery in Chicago and they opened the baby’s presents and everyone had to head home to Michigan. 

I told them the price that I had worked out, which was groceries plus a modest fee for my time, since this was a great learning experience for me and I am not exactly a professional caterer yet.   They wrote me a check for more than double what I had asked for.  It is probably in line with what they would have paid for professional catering in this area, but I was totally stunned.  I protested, but they said that they had already discussed it and decided that is what they were going to pay me.  I am so grateful for this tremedous experience and the generous compensation.  I am going to reinvest my profit into incorporating my business, getting liability insurance and all of the other businessy things that I have to do in order to get started.  This won’t cover all of that, of course.  But it is a start.  I was so energized last night about starting my business and doing this full time.  It really was exactly what I want to do.  I realize that not all clients are going to be as easy or great as my friend, but even so, cooking all day is what I want to do!

Close Call November 2, 2007

I came very, very close to having a total meltdown last night in class.  I felt like throwing my empanada dough across the kitchen, and just barely restrained myself.  I did start swearing loudly and felt heaving sobs starting and my eyes welling with tears of frustration and anger.  I am pretty sure I freaked my kitchen partner out a bit, though she was very calm on the surface.  I managed to calm myself before any tears streaked their way down my face or I really started screaming.

First of all, I am not happy with this class or the chef teaching it.  We are not following the syllabus at all, the teacher just flies by the seat of his pants and has very little plan of what we are going to do, other than giving us five recipes and telling us to cook them.  I could do that at home.  So, last night he gave us 5 Latin American recipes, two of which involved making dough and something to go inside them.  The were LONG recipes that took a long time to make.  This would be fine if he had any concept of how long these recipes would take us to do.  I think he only has a concept of how long it would take him to make them.  So, not even halfway through the class he nixed one of our recipes, which was fine.  But, then even with the remaining four recipes we were rushing, rushing (or at least I was – a lot of the people in this class are programmed with “slow” and “molasses” modes) and it was obvious to me that we were either going to run over our 11:00 pm ending time or no one was going to finish all the dishes.  In fact, both of those things happened.

At about 10:15 this was becoming very clear to me since it takes at least a half hour to clean that kitchen up and no one was near done.  I asked the chef, because M. had to come pick me up, if I should have him come later.  He was sure we would finish by 11:00.  At this point I was still trying to roll out my empanada dough with a vodka bottle because there was one rolling pin for 10 people in that kitchen.  Then I was filling them and hurriedly sealing them and stuffing them in the oven, the ugly shit that they were since I was trying so hard to get it done quickly.  So then I look over at our table after the empanadas were in the oven and I see two of the ingredients that I was supposed to put inside – chopped green olives and chopped hard boiled eggs – still sitting undisturbed on my cutting board.  That’s when the meltdown started. 

I swore first and then told my partner that the empanadas were “fucking ugly as shit” (what do I care, my parents aren’t going to read this blog…) and that I left the two ingredients out.  This is when I almost threw the dough across the kitchen.  Instead my partner tried nicely to calm me down a little and told me that they would still taste good.  I had to keep cleaning and pretend not to be crying to get a hold on myself.  I narrowly avoided the heaving sobs but managed to pull myself together enough to (along with my partner) get the rest of the dishes, minus any garnish, out for tasting.  I was somewhat gratified when the chef said that my empanadas were “almost perfect” even though they were missing two ingredients and they were not pretty when I put them in the oven. 

Thank God we have just four more meetings of this class.  Even that seems like too much, but maybe I can hold the bile down long enough not to get kicked out of school just before graduating. 

I think part of this is really being burnt out on this program, three nights a week from 6 – 11 will do that to you, especially when the classes consistently run over until 11:30 and you have to be at work at 8 am the following morning.  But, part of it is also just me being generally stressed trying to do too much and worrying about my health and what is going to happen with the upcoming potential surgery and definite fertility treatments.  And also not knowing what I am going to do with my life when/if I really do quit my job in mid-December.  Am I really going to start my own business?  It’s exciting but scary, especially since it is difficult to make any concrete plans when you are dealing with fertility treatments.

This coming Monday I go back to my Ob/Gyn so that they can do another ultrasound to see if they still see the hydrosalpinx that they thought were going to necessitate the removal of my fallopian tubes.  If they do, I will be having surgery on December 11.  If they don’t, we will probably proceed with IVF sometime in the December/January/February time frame. 

We are in the process of changing health insurance plans to one that does cover IVF.  We are so fortunate that this very expensive treatment is covered by our (future) insurance.  Even our current insurance covers the fertility drugs – oral and injectable, which is great because if the timing works out, we could start that part of it before our new insurance kicks in January 1, 2008.  The new insurance will cover three IVF attempts in full.  But, three strikes and you are out – forever.  I feel very, very lucky that we have this insurance when a lot of people have to pay for this out of pocket.  But, I am still afraid of what will happen – what if I don’t get pregnant in those three tries?  It happens.  At the end of the day, though, if I don’t get pregnant, at least we haven’t spent $50,000 on those three attempts and we can figure out what our next step is without worrying about that first expense.  Any additional treatments or adoption will still be extraordinarily expensive and really stressful and potentially emotionally devastating, but at least we would be starting from $0, or close to it, rather than -$50,000…

If I am this stressed, emotional and angry without fertility drugs, I am scared to see what I am like with them.