Canning October 30, 2007

As I wrote to my mom in an e-mail this week, I had “nothing” going on this weekend, which ended up meaning that Friday I made my grocery list, watered the plants, and went out to dinner with M. Saturday I ran lots of errands (in record time!) then came home and got a haircut, roasted my pumpkins, made dinner, and cut M’s hair before going to a joint 30th birthday party for two of my girlfriends.  Sunday we went to breakfast, then I made and canned pumpkin butter, and made dinner for 6 (ciabatta, salad, pot roast with onions, carrots and prunes, twice baked potatoes, sauteed cabbage and mexican chocolate souffles) and also went to a Yoga Therapy workshop for two hours.  Phew.  I don’t sit still very well.

The canning process was so fun that I am ready to do it again as soon as possible.  I may have over-spiced the pumpkin butter a little with the cinnamon and cardamom that I threw in even though the recipe didn’t call for it.  I haven’t tried it on bread yet.  But, it is really good in my plain yogurt.  Yum.  And it was so satisfying to go from the mess of four roasted pumpkins to ten neat little jars with pretty labels on them.  And the “pop” of the jar!?  I think I lauged each time one popped I was so excited.  In the end all 10 worked and are now nicely sealed!  I can’t wait to give them away for Christmas.  I may try to make some apple butter or something else canned in the next few weeks too since I enjoyed the (slow) process so much.

I also went to a Yoga Therapy workshop on Sunday.  A few weeks ago I went to a yoga class at a new place not far from my house.  The teacher mentioned that she is a yoga therapist and that there was going to be a workshop for yoga therapy for women’s health.  I asked her about it afterwards, and it seemed like something that might help me, physically as well as emotionally, deal with infertility and the upcoming procedures.  So, that was two hours on Sunday and it was pretty good.  We learned a series of poses that she suggests that we do three to four times a week.  That might be more than I can commit to over the next five to six weeks, but after that I hope to be able to commit more time to it.  I have a one-on-one session scheduled with her in a couple of weeks too, which I am excited about.  She seems very smart and in-touch with the whole assisted fertility world.  She says that she works with a lot of women on infertility issues.  She totally understood the mental/emotional difficulties of really just having no idea what is going on or having any control over your body/life during this time and articulated it much better than I just have here… It is interesting.  I don’t think I have figured out how to express what is going on in my head yet.  I hope that yoga and the meditation that seems to come with it in her yoga classes may help that.  I don’t remember if she said it, or if I read somewhere that meditation is the act of observing what we are doing/thinking and then reflecting on that. 

I am still engrossed in the busy-ness of my week – I had class until 11:30 pm last night (these late nights in Baking and Pastry are killing me) and have class again tonight.  Tomorrow, happily, I am going to work from home, which will allow me at least another hour of sleep over what I would normally get.  And I think tomorrow night I will actually get to sit on the couch and watch some TV with M.  He’s been away this week (in the same city, but staying in a hotel for meetings), so it will be nice to just be able to have dinner and relax.  Maybe I’ll start one of my knitting projects for the many babies that my friends are having.  See?  I told you I don’t sit still well.

Late in the day, late in the week October 25, 2007

Today is Thursday.  Tonight I have my Personal Chef Practicum class.  This is class number 5 of 10 – almost halfway done.  The first three classes we were just in the classroom for two hours per night and then last week we had our first cooking night.  I don’t think this class is wonderful, but it is a requirement for my program, so I am just plugging away.  I thought I was going to love this class, since it should be teaching me the nuts and bolts of what I want to do starting in December/January, but the chef isn’t a great teacher, so instead I am just biding my time waiting for it to be done.  It isn’t worth complaining to the school administrators about, but it does feel like kind of a waste of money. 

On the other hand, I did learn to make Avgolemono soup and Baklava last week, so it isn’t a total waste of time.  Those are things that I would have been totally intimidated by making in the past, so it increases my confidence and teaches me some new techniques. 

This week in Baking and Pastry we worked on “laminated doughs” – puff pastry, danish dough, croissant dough.  It was hard work and I was shocked to discover yesterday that my muscles are tired.  Not just my arms, which would be almost expected when you spend 3 hours rolling out dough that doesn’t want to roll out, but also my abdominal muscles.  That is horrifying.  I am definitely not doing enough yoga if rolling dough is making my abs tired and sore.  (That’s not to much of a shock, though, considering that I think I have been to yoga three times since January.)

The making of the doughs went pretty well, and then we had to fold and roll them to get all those beautiful layers that are so deliciously formed by the copious quantities of butter in the dough.  My dough was too warm when I was rolling it out the final time, so not only were my croissants ugly, they also fell totally apart in the oven.  I almost cried standing at my bench with croissant dough melting on my fingers while I was trying to roll them out, and then again when the chef-instructor told me not to send my croissants to the dining room because no one would eat them. 

I am not accustomed to having things not turn out the way they are supposed to.  In this program it has only happened once before, and it was a funny thing, not a distressing thing that time, but that disaster (where I made my French chef-instructor swear for the first time all term – “oh, sheet” – by stirring and stirring my Pommes Lyonnaise so they turned into mashed potatoes) only wasted a half hour of my time, whereas I had worked on these croissants for probably 6 hours.  It was depressing. 

I am having a hard time with the afternoon and evening hours as well as days later in the week.  I think part of it is that the lack of sleep during this program is catching up to me.  I am not sure what the rest of it is.  Sometimes at lunch I spend my time reading about infertility and reading discussion boards on the Taking Care of Your Fertility website, and I don’t think it is great for my mental state.  But I am thinking about it fairly constantly anyway, so what is the harm in educating myself more.  I read about all of the failures, though – people aren’t on the “Dealing with Infertility” board, or whatever it is called, because they have success stories.  Then I worry and worry and worry that maybe three insurance-paid attempts won’t be enough.  What if I don’t get pregnant in those three attempts?  There are plenty of people out there who have 3 or more failed IVF attempts.  What if I am only able to have one baby in three attempts?  I don’t want just one baby. 

Anyway, I digress into where my mind gets to almost every afternoon.  So, late in the work-day is becoming a struggle for me to stay upbeat for.  Then by the time I get to class, I am still feeling down and I don’t want to be there.  This has especially been the case with the Personal Chef class, and not so much with Baking and Pastry.  I think it has something to do with being late in the week and something to do with not getting enough sleep to properly enjoy being in class until 10:30 at night.  Even though I worked from home yesterday and therefore was able to sleep in until 8 am, I still only got 6 1/2 to 7 hours of sleep – and I like to have at least 8.  Thank God for the flexibility that my boss has been willing to give me in working from home or I would really be giving myself mono.  But I am still tired this afternoon.  Could it be the 3 or 4 glasses of wine that I had at book club last night?  Or just the lack of sleep…?  Whatever it is, it is bringing me down.  I don’t know how to get out of this funk.  The circumstances that are at least partially responsible (infertility, uncertainty of the future, health questions) aren’t likely to go away anytime soon. 

Sweet Potato Pancakes & 1 Year Ago Today October 23, 2007

Do you play the “what was I doing one year ago today” game?  I love thinking about it - what I was doing one week ago, one month ago, one, five, ten, years ago.  I also think about what I might be doing one year from now, or five years from now.  For example, one year ago today I was sore from the Chicago Marathon that I ran the day before.  Two years ago today I was was painting our apartment – probably the dining room.  Three years ago today I was planning my wedding and had no idea that we would be moving to Chicago in the coming year.  Four years ago today I was waiting impatiently for M. to propose to me.  Ten years ago I was living in Ecuador and hanging out with Abby all the time.  Jesus, ten years, are you serious!?

One year ago M. and I started trying to get pregnant.  I hoped that I would have a baby, or at least be pregnant, by now.  One year ago today I also had no idea that I was going to start this culinary program, let alone that I would be almost done (7 weeks and counting…) at this point.  It has been a good year in some ways - school, etc. - and it has also been hard with being sick and not being able to get pregnant.  I can just hope that one year from today I will be closer to having a baby.  I also hope that my chef-y business is going well.  I am not sure yet how those two things will go together, but I guess I’ll figure that out as I go along.  I can’t put my life/work on hold while going through IVF – I think I would make myself miserable. 

Four days ago M. and I ate at The Little Village Cafe in Baraboo, Wisconsin.  It was undoubtedly the best restaurant in the town, with a fairly gourmet menu.  M. ordered the jerk chicken, which I was thinking about, primarily because it came with sweet potato pancakes, though I also do love jerk chicken.  Those sweet potato pancakes were amazing!  Yum.  The chef/owner was hustling around the restaurant, helping customers, and I asked him what was in them.   He would not reveal his secrets.  What I got out of him was potatoes (small dice), sweet potato (small dice), jerk seasonings, and orange juice (because I guessed that one).  I think it was like a pancake batter with potatoes and sweet potatoes in it.  I need to have a culinary experiment at home to see if I can replicate it.  His jerk chicken recipe is similar to mine in taste, so I think that the sweet potato pancakes could become part of my repertoire too. 

We didn’t really eat anything else too exceptional on our weekend away.  We ate all our meals out, which I know is kind of cheating when you are camping, but it made it a lot easier.  Plus we need a new camp stove that I am not afraid of.  We did purchase some leek and morel monterey jack cheese at the Mars Cheese Castle (not as castle-like as you might think) that was very good and I bought ginger vinegar and buckwheat honey at various places, both of which found their way into a salad dressing on Sunday night. 

Omens October 22, 2007

I’ve been on a roller-coaster ride with my health/fertility status over the last few weeks.  As of mid-to-late September I have been officially “well” and was given the green light to pursue IVF.  I made an appointment at a big fertility center here in the city and also tried to make an appointment with a specialist at Northwestern who turned out not to take our insurance.  We also have a friend-of-a-friend who was successful with IVF at another, smaller, clinic in Evanston so we made an appointment there.

The doctor at the big fertility center was a little disappointing.  She hadn’t requested my medical records before we met with her, and when she reviewed them in the office (the few that I was able to bring with me) she told me that my chances of IVF working are 50% less because of the hydrosalpinx (fluid in the fallopian tubes) that I have.  She suggested that I might want to consider having my fallopian tubes removed before I go forward with IVF.  But, she didn’t push me into it and also said that I could just “swing the bat” and try one round of IVF and see what happens.  When AT MOST our insurance will cover three rounds of IVF, it does not make sense to me to just “swing the bat” and see what happens.

This was the third doctor that told me that I might have to have my fallopian tubes removed.  So it was starting to sound like gospel.  After she told me that I went ahead and scheduled the surgery for the week after I am done with my culinary school program.  That night I woke up thinking and worrying about surgery and the pain and possible infection and what that would mean for IVF or having kids at all - basically thinking of the worst case scenario, including not being able to go home at all over the holidays.  I didn’t sleep that night.  I was back to feeling incredibly down. 

Then this past Friday we had our appointment at the smaller fertility clinic.  The doctor had requested all of my medical records, and had reviewed them.  She asked specific questions.  I told her that I had scheduled surgery and would go ahead with it if she agreed.  She said that she would need to do an ultrasound before she was able to give me an opinion.  Hallelujah!! Informed decision-making!!!  So then she took me to the room next door and did an ultrasound.  This was totally different than the health experiences I have been having lately where people are just guessing as to the causes and what we should do.

In the ultrasound that she did, she did not see the hydrosalpinx.  So, have they gone away?  Are they no longer an issue?  Do I not need to have surgery?!  I called my OB/GYN and told her about this (or rather, told her nurse Peggy who is fast becoming my best friend) and they have scheduled their own ultrasound and consultation for two weeks from now.  If they also can’t find the hydrosalpinx, then I can skip surgery and go straight to IVF.  Needless to say, this gave my mood a bit of a boost.

I now have two weeks with no scheduled doctors appointments.  I am pretty sure this is the longest I have gone with no appointments since mid August when this all started.  Hopefully I will have more good news on November 5 when I have my next ultrasound.

In the meantime, on Friday, Mike pointed out a lot of “omens” that he thinks were foreshadowing good things for us with this new doctor at the smaller clinic:

 1.  When we were waiting in the waiting room, a couple who had just gotten good news of a pregnancy was leaving the clinic (this is all deduction on my part – they seemed really happy and I overheard some excited “congratulations”).

2.  The Doctor had an oxalis plant on her desk – my favorite plant and also a shamrock, maybe bringing good luck.

3.  At lunch at our very favorite breakfast/lunch place in the whole city (yummm. azteca black bean bowl.   yummm.  special sandwich with beets and goat cheese.) the four-some next to us suddenly erupted in loud “congratulations!! I am so happy for you!” etc.  One of the couples already had a baby (who was there and very cute) and the other was newly pregnant.  I found it a little difficult to watch, not because I am not happy for strangers who are pregnant, but just because I want to be that happy too.  It is so unfair.  (Do I sound pouty enough?)

4.  We went camping this weekend up in Wisconsin; having a much-needed weekend away.  There were swarms of ladybugs which I decided were also an omen.  Aren’t ladybugs supposed to be good luck?  They were covering our clothes at times during our hike.  Mike kept stopping to brush them off of himself and also me.  I wanted to leave them be – wanting their luck to rub off.

It’s kind of funny – I am not a spiritual person at all.  I would consider myself an atheist.  But I am really superstitious.  So, I will go home, and look for a four-leafed stem on my oxalis, knock on wood when I talk about getting pregnant and try not to jinx myself too much.  And continue looking for omens.

Progress – at least a tiny bit… October 5, 2007

Two weeks ago our office was rearranged.  Whereas I used to sit way off by myself (thanks to the recent purchase of our company and the consequent lay-offs, from which I was sadly spared), I now sit in the cube right next to the person who reports to me.  I have people all around me.  I also used to have a little conference room near my desk that hardly anyone used, which I occassionally used as my personal office, especially recently when I had to call my doctor and talk about my girlie parts.  I didn’t figure anyone wanted to overhear me discussing my ovaries at work.

So, now I have no place private to call my doctor and set up appointments and all of that.  Today I am working from home though, and I was able to make an appointment with a fertility doctor and request all my medical records in the privacy of my own home. 

Next week we are going to see one doctor – we scheduled this appointment the day I got out of the hospital in August.  Then the following Friday we are going to go see another fertility doctor – I want to cover all my bases and see if they are telling me the same thing or different things, and whose plan I like better.  

When I called to make the second appointment today I was afraid that they were going to tell me that they wouldn’t be able to see me until January.  But, they gave me a date in two weeks.  Holy crap – I couldn’t beleive it.  I think I thanked the woman about 1,284 times.

Then I decided to call my insurance and see if the consultations were covered, because I wasn’t sure – our current insurance will not cover infertility treatments, and I wasn’t sure if that meant consultations too.  But, they will cover both consultations!

I requested all of my medical records, and I am not sure if they will all get to the doctors in time, but I guess at this point I am not so concerned – I am not going to be able to start anything until January anyway when we can change our insurance to the HMO that will cover at least a couple IVF attempts, so if I have to wait a couple of weeks for them to get my medical records after my initial consultation, no big deal.

So, in the infertility journey this hasn’t been a bad day.  I have two appointments set up in the next couple of weeks, where hopefully we will gain some information and at least start assembling some sort of plan for the next months.  And our insurance will cover what we need them to cover for the time being.

Speaking of insurance, we also received a bill from the hospital where I was for 5 days in August.  It showed the total amount that our insurance company was billed.  It was almost $20,000.  Thank God for health insurance.  Between my $40,000+ gallbladder removal in 2001 and now this, I would be bankrupt if it wasn’t for Aetna and Blue Cross.  We just have to keep our fingers crossed and hope that when we change our insurance to the HMO that we think we can change to we are able to have a baby or two before our IVF coverage wears out after three attempts.  Getting ahead of myself again.  Better just appreciate that today was a good medical day.

B & P October 3, 2007

My fall (and final) term of culinary school started last week.  This term I am taking Baking & Pastry and Personal Chef Practicum.  I am working on a Personal Chef/Catering Certificate.  The school also offers a Baking & Pastry Certificate.  I wonder if M would try to kill me if I decided I wanted to do both certificates?  Ah, only 6 more months of tuition payments?  I won’t really do it, but these last two days I have realized how fun that would be to add on. 

On Day 1 we got a mini-tour of the baking kitchen, which is actually quite different from the savory kitchen.  There are no stoves – just ovens that can fit 3 people standing up.  I wonder what we do if we have to make caramel or a fruit sauce to be part of our baked goods.  I am sure I will find out as the term progresses.  Baking is much more of a real science than cooking, and all the measuring, weighing, formulas, etc. appeal to my type-A personality.   

Maybe when I am done with school and trying to start up my business I will investigate trying to work part-time in a bakery.  Or maybe I’ll just experiment on my own at home.  Either way, I am going to enjoy my new knowledge of baking.  I have been intimidated in the past by the accuracy and patience needed for these skills, but with the right tools, I hope to turn out some great things.  So far we have made muffins (blueberry and lemon poppyseed), biscuits, scones, and pound cake.  Next week: yeast breads. 

Also tonight is dinner at my new favorite Chicago restaurant, Chalkboard – a double-date with my culinary-school friend.  I can’t wait for the amazing dinner that we are sure to have and the lively conversation and lots of laughter.